tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33872753537198857872023-03-15T07:05:05.385-07:00I went home more certain than everwhere the head of me rambles endlessly and forever about things that are certain and mater and make a difference in this headAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-7822755637695726032015-08-21T22:34:00.000-07:002015-08-21T23:23:50.167-07:00Confidenceconfidence<br />
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this thing that we need. sometimes more than other times. we all work so hard to gather our experiences and wins in order to build this seemingly illusive thing to use in order to hang bigger wins up in our imaginary trophy shelf in our mind. sometimes these trophy's come in the forms of real awards other times it comes with cash. confidence is so fucking dangerous though. it can tear our relationships apart. it can lead to the enemy and greed. its such a balance of trash. we need it to survive and we learn that we want it and that we need a healthy level of it. but as you gain it you want more of it and that leads to evil. its such a tough concept and its potentially something that as i grow older is more and more difficult to handle. it doesnt get easier. it gets harder. the choices are bigger. and the consequences are larger.<br />
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we are, or i feel like i am, living in this era where we are trying to be less self centered and more selfless. we want to be in the masses. we want to grow big and bring our friends with us. this concept is great and feels like a happy selfless idea. but it also lets us spread our greed. we think because its for the greater, its somehow less greedy. we are making things for the sake of producing trophy's and not because we really believe in the ideas. the art of mastery is getting lost in this fast pace, move around a lot, create and sell; the get in get out mentality. all the greatest things i can think of came from lifetimes of dedication to a single art. a single idea. a single creation. and i feel like that is getting lost. there are more trophy's if u jump around endlessly. and maybe i am wrong. and maybe this is the changing. maybe there will be true triumph in this new culture of constant change. maybe this fast pace, instant transferring society of big data will prove to be the glory.<br />
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i don't often slow down in the summer. i often run all summer long. but this summer i have taken some time to slow down. spent some moments trying to enjoy the season i dont like that much. i feel like some typical things on a mental emotional level that i typically do in the winter took place in the summer. that is different and its foreign. but its nice.<br />
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its really hard to reject luxury. its hard to walk into places that u think u hate and enjoy the feeling that you have arrive at this imaginary place "i made it". i dont like quotes but ill use it this time because it is what it is. i enjoy the quotes. the class an symbol of money. things that we cant afford but when we buy make us feel somehow confident. and its bad. its a bad bad place.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-71625554654852494542014-11-14T18:33:00.003-08:002014-11-14T18:33:20.769-08:00Worst feelingYou know what is a horrible feeling... the feels that you get when you leave a place and wonderful people that you know you may never get to see again.<br />
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I have had a fair number of the goodbyes in my life. Living in a few countries, city's, towns, etc in the short time that i have bee walking this earth. And they are not that bad, because usually I am saying goodbye to friends who I know I will see again; who i know i will keep in contact with all the time.<br />
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This is my first goodbye in the office. I feel so so sad. I am saying goodbye to some amazing people who i have shared so many moments with. Who have taught me so much. and its strange because we have been through so much. It is just that they dont know the details. they know when im down and pick me up - we just dont talk the details. i know when they are down and I try my best to be there. I just dont know the details. and so its so so strange to say goodbye. because we are so close yet so far. they have held me and i have held them we just don't know for what reason we held each others hand. and i am so sad to be leaving these great moments behind and these great people. I know I will see some of them again. but some of them i will only speak to once in a while. and some i may never see again.<br />
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today is a sad day and it made me understand the complexity of relationships. everyone is great and i know to cherish them all. but this time i just feel empty because i cant even explain why i wont see them again. it just is this way. the relationship was based on these premises. and sure, i will see some of them again because we broke the premise and became real friends. but real means nothing in terms of goodness. because the real friends are just as important as the coworker friendship. i just wont see the coworker again and this is sad.<br />
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and so this is goodbye to the north east and to the previously untraveled land. i have enjoyed it so much and it has given me so much. and i will forever be changed by the memories here. i feel like i am leaving so much untapped and that i will miss so much of this land.<br />
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There is really nothing to say except endless thankfulness for the experiences and memories.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-40934516808463431802014-08-26T20:19:00.001-07:002014-08-26T20:19:27.665-07:00Rules<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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its 8.26.2014 i like to write dates with periods but i don't think its very excepted.<br />
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i also have not written an entry for a long time.<br />
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a lot has also gone on in my life since last time i wrote.<br />
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i also spend less time on computers since last time i wrote. not more studying for the exam.<br />
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as potentially the last exam of my life is over, i am sad and happy. i want to borrow something that many people i like have said, or stated similarly. everyday, we are in a classroom. dont sit still. dont stop learning. funny story, in undergrad, in one of the capstone courses, we wrote a paper about all we had learned, kind of a reflective piece. And although, when i write, i may come across more sensitive and sentimental, in real life i dont think i portray that image. I think i come across more focused and "calm yet intense" (that is what my boss tells me at least). anyways back to the story, so the last sentence of my essay stated "and I will never stop learning". My closest friend in the class blew up laughing and the class followed. The thing was, I was 100% serious.<br />
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so what i really wanted to write about was this thought i had after reading something somewhere. this thought really started last friday when a coworker made fun of me because i always say "it is what it is".<br />
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So... we live in this world where our friends, humans, have spent their entire existence to come up with truths or rules. we come up with rules that seem to work and than someone smarter with more resources comes up with a counter. and offers a new solution. everything was groundbreaking once. perhaps the only thing that hasnt been fully countered are spiritual things. and thats another conversation. so... we live in this place where the sky is our roof, the ground is earth, there is gravity, there is a sun and a moon, we think its normal to like the opposite sex, but there are lines and some are the middlesex, we think substances that change our state of mind are bad, we hold morals that work in our ideals, there is a type of equality. BUT we just have all these rules and they are always changing and sometimes wrong. one of the things i hate more than anything else is to believe in something so much and so passionately live that idea, only to learn it was wrong. that is the worst feeling i have experienced so far in life. and here i am always saying things like "it is what it is". well maybe its not. and maybe it shouldnt be. we are so caught up in our little earth, living in this construct, like we think its real.<br />
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when i was young, my two passions were rocks and space. rocks were easier, so i liked to play with them and could easily find them. space, well that was a little to abstract. i could only read so much, and well physics and math were a little beyond me. but rocks told about our history and were old. it always amazed me that rocks were so old and yet i could hold them and make up stories about how they got here what they were who touched them and so on. they were my stories. space made me feel small and i wanted to know all about it. well now we know there is so much more than our solar system, our earth, and so on. now i feel smaller. now i wonder just how important our little rules are. we are so stuck on our earth and our rules, will we ever really get to see what else is out there?<br />
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lets break all the rules.<br />
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byebye<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-45243419045562397462014-01-25T09:31:00.002-08:002014-01-25T09:31:42.015-08:00humans<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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so i have written about interviews and my love for them many times before. i wish i got to be interviewed. i want to interview my friends. it has some amazing way of letting people talk about how they really feel without feeling like a complete looser. like in normal life you can just be like yo im really feeling down about this but you know what has really helped me get through it is dot dot dot. like we can't do that. and i think its beneficial to say it and to hear it. we are so used to being these rocks of people who struggle and continue to win through our will and our self made remedies to solve the problems in our own lives. and we are all different and great. and sometimes we need to tell someone about it. sometimes we need to listen to someone tell us about it.<br />
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when u read or listen to watch an interview you get to observe people who have been successful in their fields talk about themselves and what helps them and what makes them and where they came from and how they view things. you get to have a brief moment where you can enter their heads. see what they think see how they feel and how they have made it. it could be some writer of non fiction. some scientist. some actor/actress. some artist. some music maker. some athlete. its just amazing how they are and what they have done to get where they are. we are all trying to get somewhere. and if i have learned anything from interviews it is that we dont get there alone. it is the people we encounter along the way that help us. learning from those around us is an amazing thing.<br />
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the picture above is the view i have gotten to enjoy while going to a client i have been assigned to over the last few weeks. there is greatness is driving in new directions, waking up at different times. seeing new things. cant get enough of it. the view every morning for the last few weeks has made me happy. its more vibrant in real life. its more real. its hot steam entering the world i wake up to. the zero degree cold and dry. the sun. the ice which lines the sidewalks. its real.<br />
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i ate breakfast this morning. and as i was drinking my coffee i turned on the tv and watched a few min's of the kitchen. its one of the few times i watch tv during the week. weekend mornings while eating food. there is this show called The Kitchen on the food network. at first i was kinda neutral to it. it wasnt bad wasnt good just kinda something to watch while i ate. but i really like geoffrey zakarian so that made it good. and than i realized that this show is pretty fun. like i want to have it in my own life. like have a few good friends over. each person make something. eat all day long. play games and chat while ppl are in the kitchen. would be pretty fun way to spend a day. that go me thinking how i become this person. i would have never had that thought 3 years ago. how your mind changes and how you start to feel different and what you would rather do. it changes. and its strange because you have these thoughts and they all seem so good and real. and than you are shocked that you just had that thought. because it appeared out of nowhere. and things that you thought you were you might not be. or its changing. and your happy about that. but just in shock that things are changing. i am changing. and that is odd. someone come interview me so i can tell you about it.<br />
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okay one more morning thought. i am an inoj. always have been. and i don't really see that changing. im quite happy living in my bubble being alone a lot and being judgmental. being pretty antisocial. of course i can be outgoing at times. but kinda like to being pretty introverted. and i respect other introverts more so than say the super extrovert. but than there are some extroverts that i am so jealous of sometimes. like they can just talk so candidly about themselves and say the dumbest stuff and sound cool about it. like laugh super loud. slapstick humor ready. but still come off as sensitive and smart. they are kings. sometimes.... just sometimes i wish i was extroverted like that. its rare to see in a person but some people can do it. it has a lot with why i dont really watch the blockbuster hit comedy films much. some of the rare times i find myself left out of a joke is when ppl start quoting lines from these movies. everyone is shocked that i havent seen "that" movie. iunno i just am not a fan. ill watch them. i will laugh. i will enjoy the moment. and i won't think it was a waste of time. but i would never seek out watching them. there is so many other films i would rather watch.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-61637309750978688552013-12-24T14:00:00.003-08:002013-12-24T14:00:52.067-08:00WinterIt is winter. It is cold. I am parking outside again. So i can see my breath in the morning. Which is a big upgrade from last winter. The downgrade is digging out of my parking spot. Snow loves to cover the ground and take over my parking spot. I think its a good trade. my breath for shoveling. <div>
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one thing i have been noticing recently is how much people, myself included, claim they do not have time for things. as we get older we have less and less time. we have less time until the day we die. we have less time to do nothing, because we are busy trying to make money to spend on nothing. the more we work. the less time we have. but the more money we can have. and more importantly, if we work well, we can upgrade our minds and spirit. we can gain talents to use later. to make more money. or at least we can tell someone that we have experienced so many great things that will make it worth while paying me too much money. but really, time is time. you know? we can make time for anything. not having time to do something is so lame. and if you break it down, we do have time. it amazing the things i tell myself i dont have time for. every time i have heard myself say this sentence in the last year has been a lie. i have time to do all the things i have wanted to do or someone has asked me to do. i just make up some lie in my head to justify not having time. if i want to work out, i can make time. if i want to watch a football game, i can. if i want to eat dinner with a friend. i can. not having time is such a lame excuse for everything. i also think it is hilarious when other people complain they dont have time. because if you could really analyze it, i guarantee they have time. maybe they have to cut down on something else. however, when someone says they don't have time for something, it is almost always more important than something they might have to cut down on. time is so complicated. and so abstract. and so fake. but time is ours and we can do what we want with it. not having time is silly. and although i love silly, i will attempt to understand time more. lets make time. if we can manufacture time we can win.</div>
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you know what is one of the worst feelings of all time. when someone feels sad for you. like when they ask you a question expecting a good happy answer. but the truth is empty nothingness. and they completely expected goodness. but the answer is nothingness. and i am okay with it. i am happy with it. but they are so confused and have nothing to say because there is no answer. and they scrabble to say something to somehow make it better. but there is nothing. because the answer is not bad, it is just nothing. and that makes me feel bad. because they are scrambling to cover up something that is. it doesnt need anything else. its just some silly system telling them that things are supposed to be a certain way, when the truth is that they dont need to be. </div>
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the power of the desire to agree with those around you is endless and really is ugly. i know i want to agree with others too. i can catch myself being like yea i agree when know i am in complete disagreeance. i try not to be that way. but sometimes it is just the easy way out. but that power to want to agree is so ugly. so so ugly. </div>
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ageing is fun.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-16892441150102643692013-11-11T18:19:00.003-08:002013-11-11T18:21:08.768-08:00Autumn Leaves, Autumn Skies, Autumn Waters, and Autumn Hiding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span id="goog_1932140526"></span>As it grows colder, the leaves change colors, the skies bleeds with flames, the water freezes, and as people go into hiding, Ryan comes out to play.<br />
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I love the winter. Everyone goes back to their houses and plays their indoor games and they dont want to play on beaches anymore. That is the time that Ryan loves to play on beaches. No people to distract you from the views that dont end. The water is still their, and sometimes its freezing and looks nice. The birds are still eating and making noise. And the sky is orange and red as the sun rises and sets. I love that I have to travel to the beach in the fall and winter. I love being their when no one is there. Spending a week in the furthest place on the cape has been just want i needed to get back into living. Maybe that is why i like the winter the crisp cold makes u feel alive.<br />
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I once knew a young girl named Marge. She loved the winter and everything that came with it. She loved to watch the white snow cover all the things she loved. She loved how this white blanket could fall onto the world that she knew and make her smile and watch in awe as the land turned to a pure state of nothingnessbeauty. As all color was erased. As all things were buried. She loved the new that was made. The serenity and oneness and ease that the winter brought. She would tell herself that the winter is when all the cool kids went inside and all the cool kids came outside to enjoy the lonely sights of the raw world. Snow is smiling at the winter with a warm heart and warm toes.<br />
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<span id="goog_1932140527"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-41653235528138830752013-10-26T11:33:00.000-07:002013-10-26T11:33:10.748-07:00running in the wrong direction...i have taken a few steps in the normal direction for the last year or so... and that has been great and all. its like i am going somewhere that i am supposed to go. and i guess there is a part of me that wants to go in that direction that place were we think we are supposed to go. but i can feel myself stuttering, wanting to run in a new direction. looking for that other place. it might be time to run in the wrong direction for a while.<div>
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i am also in this minimalist phase. simple living. i was at this super cool place the other day getting a black plain coffee, or that is what they call a coffee that does not have cream and sugar in this strange place on the eastern coast of this country. i also got a plain bagel. and plain cream cheese. the guy behind the counter looked at me and sort of spat out a sort of rhythmic line, almost as if he were reciting poetry.<i> </i></div>
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<i>"plain coffee, plain bagel, plain cream cheese, for a plain man."</i></div>
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i laughed a little and told him i like to keep it basic. he kinda got me thinking about that. i guess i do like to keep some stuff simple, plain, basic. i like to call it classic. timeless. today was el classico 2013 pretty good day for the classic. </div>
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i also watched some random stuff on the internet. read some random stuff. i kind of felt like my undergrad days when i could spend tons of time reading interviews of all these music makers, writers, random people, and get inspired about their stuff. enjoy their creative minds doing stuff they do. being who they are wanting to be honest and trying to be themselves in a fast moving world with new problems living in this country where things seem to be going wrong but no one really notices or feels it yet. </div>
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i have been watching all these classic films too. or classic films of my life the films that were honest when i was a kid. i watched a few films recently that don't have real actors and actresses, but instead just try to tell a story authentically. i like that raw realness. or at least the idea of it. the only real way to feel right is to be right. and its hard in a this world of fakers. we are the century of fakers. </div>
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so i guess its time to run in the wrong direction for a while...</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-48220256103809795972013-10-14T18:48:00.001-07:002013-10-14T18:48:27.193-07:00neighborhoodsso there is something about neighborhoods in the east that is a truly better than the west. great little spots of migrating crowds of people. to mature communities with similar ethnic traits, similar lifestyle choices, really similar anythings; you could probably correlate color of clothes worn to different neighborhoods in nyc and bk.<br />
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the last week has been a bit of nostalgic fun layered with desires from my past.<br />
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a great friend came from my younger years to the city where i live now for a week. he was working, so it was kinda like the old days. schooling/working by day. kicking it by night. doing dumb things on the weekend. it was pasthood in the newhood. it was great. we ate endlessly, which is what we do best.<br />
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went to the big city to see some old friends. and i realized how bad i am with time. apparently i have not seen these two people for 3 years. it seemed like yesterday the moment i saw them. everything was the same. time apparently didn't make them dissipate from my thoughts. good times with my bad conception of time.<br />
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i guess we get caught up with the stuff we are doing. we forget to be cliche because its cliche. how dumb. im cliche and i love it and i wont change it. its walking that fine line where all the good stuff is anyways. enjoy everything dont get caught up in the dullness of life. find the joys in all that is done. even things that are purely structured and inefficient by structural design. all processes have ways of being important. scattered conversations with new people that are cool people change the path of my life every time. its not like i meat a person and instantly change my life. its like this person brings a new idea into this head of mine and changes the way i can think. and that nuanced change in thinking may change my next choice. or my next next choice. and those changes will change my path. and those are the encounters which are so vital to my own happiness. i met at least 4 ppl this weekend whos conversations or observations of the way that they live have changed my thoughts. i have this problem where i keep seeing them in my head playing these mannerisms or playing their intensity of living, that just brings a smile to my face. its like they were so good at being them and living amazingly as them. i love ppl who are good at living as themselves. you know when u meet someone new that just seems like they are good at being them? it makes no sense when i write it, but maybe you can understand when u meet someone who is so bad at being who they are trying to be. well this good one is the opposite of that. and when someone is good at being them, i love it. i love them.<br />
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i went to a tiny intimate concert on sat night. brings me back to my youth when shows were frequent. and it was def fun. i enjoyed it a lot. bushwick. what a place.<br />
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i normally just read stuff written on walls as like raw advertisements of life you know. like people writing things that they think other ppl will like. but sometimes i read somethingthing that is amazinging.<br />
"drink and don't regret"<br />
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and the desires. well my life on paper is boring to anyone who is not me. im sure people think i suck as a person. which i really do according to anyone who is not in my field. because we do suck. but one thing i can assure u is that we usually have a pretty sweet dark satiric humor that stems from being hated. and who doesnt like self deprecation. we also think we are better than everyone else because we are. but before i was this i was something else. my younger years were spent being a meteorologist, geologist, writer, mathematician, and creator of abstract dumb looking things. i imagined the universe all day long where i was a scifi maniac in my head making mobiles and drawings. i was a collector of all rocks, polishing them in my rock tumbler, which is still a prized possession which i think all children should have. actually i think from now on each child that gets a gift from me will get a rock polisher. i wrote crazy stories that made no sense with rambles that mimic my rambling self. when i first learned what a square root was i was so amazed and in awe that i made a square root book. like i just starting listing square roots of every number using a calculator. i dont know where this book is now. and the making of trash. man i loved making ugly stuff. i think im good at making ugly things because i can not make pretty things. my penmanship, my drawing ability, my painting ability. i will not ever beat a 7 year old at these categories. but if you want ugly stuff, i will crush u.<br />
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someday my house will be filled with ugly trash i made. its going to be amazing. the person i love told me recently that she wanted to make things to put in our someday house. i hope that happens. because i think she will make pretty things. and i can make ugly things. and somehow we can both think they are ugly and pretty and it will be nice.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-72087099360495437062013-08-25T18:51:00.003-07:002013-08-25T18:51:55.957-07:00thankfulness childhood memories, memories, and being a child. I was watching mad men and i am reminded of childhood through sally. I also recently asked my sister a question i had never thought of before, what her first memory of me was. i guess i should be happy with the response because it involves a large animal my favorite noun and my sister. it also awoken name calling that was good. we used to call each other different types of poop. but somehow whale poop was the best one. i felt sad that i never thought to ask her that before. it seems so important, and after learning what that first memory was, it is clear just how important it was. <div>
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i usually dont watch tv. i really try to stay away from it. im like that stuck up kid that thinks tv is bad. i do watch a few things here and there, but i really try to stay away. recently i have been watching more tv than ever, not really sure why. well i think it is because i canceled cable and got a roku with hulu. its not good to have a whole season of shows in front of you. which got me thinking, i have this idea that tv is bad. it always sparks memories and ideas. and maybe it is trying to sell stuff. but i like to buy stuff. i mean reading is great. and it doesnt come with guilt. and it is cool and i can be stuck up saying i read stuff. but is tv really bad? i mean no one can make me think its good. i will continue and probably forever think tv is bad. i will still have one, and i will still watch some. but that i will still think it stinks. i just want to get away from the system. but instead i have placed myself in this place where i an in the system of trying to not be in the system. i guess that is me though.</div>
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the person i love sent me a gift. inside were lots of things, notes, candy, vitamins, pens, and notebooks. Today i realized this is the best gift to receive in my place right now. I started a new diary. its more of a me and my day diary. i like to write here because i can look back on it and i like that idea that others can read it and that it will be safe forever. i hate the idea that so many great things were written in my notebooks from school, random notebooks in bags that i carried along my adventures, and i hate that they are there and i wont ever seen them again. i like the idea of writing things to be stored in pages that wont be read again. or probably not read again. although i have tons of notebooks with all kinds of trash written inside in boxes in at my parents house. no one should read that though. they might find out how smart i am. anyways, i started a daily note thing to myself for myself. to track my daily life and what i did that is important. i want it to be for me and only me. which is strange because im not usually like that. i dont like to make things for myself. i like to show off. but i feel like i need that right now. like i need the dinner time "what did you do today" but now it will be the night time "are you proud of your day today"</div>
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respectable people amaze me. when i meet someone that i respect its amazing. i feel like it is the reason we live. to find those treasures. and its almost like that is all i ever want. i want to be that person for some other person someday. i want someone to meet me and to feel like they learned something about truth just by a small short encounter. if we spend enough time with someone they will show of their good stuff. but we are all good at something, we are all living things. my real motivation is just to be a good. </div>
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i feel myself wanting to like everything. i want to experience more. the things i thought i didnt like, i want to like. i want to acquire the enjoyment of all things. recently it has been things in the sea. i want to eat all the sea things. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-9807763895503747962013-07-03T04:59:00.001-07:002013-07-03T04:59:11.888-07:00daily reminder to live Many times I go to sleep unhappy, bitter, worried, sick, happy, smiling, laughing, frowning, excited, ready. And so many times I wake up the same ways. But so many times when I am in one of those not so great moods I am reminded of goodness and reminded to be good and to feel good.<br />
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This morning it was a truck delivering the morning supply of Thomas Muffins, a food item a friend eats religiously. Followed by the stretching and morning work out of a grandmother who I saw the previous morning.<br />
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It was a view of a familiar item that reminded me of a person who could use a few thoughts. It was the comfort in the familiar grandmother starting her morning the same way she did the day before.<br />
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I cant explain why, but without fail I will become more happy anytime I see the same person I saw the previous morning doing the same thing as the previous morning. The joys of familiarity. The simple symbols my path as I navigate through the roads and streets that I will endlessly get lost in.<br />
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Good morning today for today is a nice day to explore.<br />
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More intensely.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-37424189472091405222013-06-09T11:06:00.001-07:002013-06-09T11:06:23.808-07:00another adventure And another adventures closes...<br />
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back from a journey to a place that feels like home although is so foreign. friends that i used to see daily for years only to be separated for years and than being reunited again in a land that was once home. great journeys great adventures and great niceness.<br />
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its strange how great friends dont change and do change. we all feel the bond that has always been there and that is great. we all feel like we dont change. but we all do change. and we all change together. its strange how that works. we are changing but it is easy to say we are not because we are friends and we understand how we change and the changes that take place. we change together freely and happily. its really not something that can be explained but it is something that is true.<br />
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11 nights and 12 days in the place i was born. 1 day on the west coast. sights and sounds from around. changing ambiance. traveling around and feeling. feeling the differences. knowing the differences. seeing some too. and the smells of different lands. i am excited to live longer. to live deeper. to adventure further. it is strange how right now i am as anxious as ever to continue this adventure and fly higher swim deeper and adventure more intensely.<br />
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i told a friend the other day that life is long. he said that is strange, people only tell me life is short. it took me back. he was right people often say life is short. but why? yes i will live today and enjoy today because today is the greatest day i've ever known. but life is long and what is ahead is great and we best be ready to take it on. new adventures are coming.<br />
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my mind is scattered always but some things are starting to look clearer. clarity is always nice. but so are scattered thoughts and ideas.<br />
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on this walk, for me, the most important thing is to always be searching. and the only thing i can say that i am searching for is truth and honesty. i can not tell u what those things are, but i can tell you how they feel. i will endlessly search for signs of these two things. and these two things drive me to always continue on and to hope that in this long life i can find a lot of realness. lets find it all. lets adventure deeply. lets run sometimes. lets explore endlessly. because the best part of this walk, is that this walk does not end. things that dont end are endless. and endless things dont use time, dont need time. and timeless things are raw. and raw is real. and real can not be seen, felt, smelled, tasted, or heard; because its real.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-64628848445480970162013-05-07T19:17:00.001-07:002013-05-07T19:17:15.813-07:00first time in a long time...I normally write when i need to. my brain tells my fingers to type. or my brain tells my hand to make illegible strokes on paper. which are at some later time deciphered and transposed into this place. i decided to make this place along with my earlier word documents and other blogs, liverjournals, and xangas, the place that i want my future unborn son and daughter to learn about me when i was less or more confused by life. I want to remind them that i was confused always too. sometimes i have thought that it would be good to allow them access to my entries as they reach the same date in their lives. for example my first day of university. i want them to read that entry on their first day. i want them to know what i felt like on my 18th birthday on their 18th birthday. I think this is the greatest gift i can ever give to my future unborn mes.<br />
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the real pure uncut honest feelings that were really felt by me made for them. a connection and expression that i can only give them in this way. the only way i know how. the way i want to show them.<br />
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somehow my thoughts are longer, they are thinking further. i am not sure if that is because i just went on my first bachelors party trip for one of my closest ants, or because i have started to write two very very important speeches for two people that i will soon witness make the vow to enter the next stage, or a different stage, in the walk through life. As my conversations with close companions mature and continue I find myself thinking further. I also have come to realize how important certain relationships are, and also how insignificant some are.<br />
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A person who I admire deeply once told me, "young boy, someday you will understand that you cannot be friends with everyone, and that you shouldnt want to be. you should chose those who you want to be friends with and not waste your time with some people who aren't worth it." minis the young boy. i added that.<br />
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I disagreed, and I explained I would never be that. that i didnt want to be that. and somehow, although not surprisingly seems how she is pretty wise, i feel myself starting to gravitate to this idea. although i still don't want to believe it. and i dont. fully. i feel myself getting closer to that point. i feel myself teetering on the edge.<br />
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teetering on the edge. those are the best times in life. the times that mater the most. weather its that moment of do i want to cut my nails today or tomorrow. do i want a grapefruit or a kiwi. do i want to go to another country or do i want to stay here. do i want to go to the other side of the country or not. do i want to go on that trip or not. do i want to make that choice or not. these are the pivotal points in life. a first is coming. i introduced two mutual friends some years ago. they are getting married. and i have realized that the choice they made to play with me on that night changed their paths forever. they could have been teetering too, do i go to that place on this day or do i go to this place. it is sometimes choices. it is sometimes teetering. it is sometimes both. and both of these things mater. and are great. and lead me to ramble for years. and it is for this that i will still be doing this tomorrow.<br />
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"i once saw a very happy firefighter." i read that today.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-29103871058493149592013-02-02T08:29:00.003-08:002013-02-02T08:29:57.959-08:00Hiatus<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes its the small hiatus that makes the big difference. It's a business trip at cape cod, spending the last day driving around and exploring those pieces of pure niceness. somehow looking at the sun collapse onto an unfamiliar body of water is nice and different. refreshing and revitalizing.<br />
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this weeks theme has been refreshing. a new place with some nice exploration. i have confirmed that beaches in the winter are number one. summer beaches are lame, seven thousand people on this beach would have been beyond bad. as i drove up to other beaches, flying by the thousand parking spots, to be the only kid watching the sun fall over the water, i could only imagine how horrible that sight would be if i had to share it with some other humans, or seven thousand beings. i want it alone. i want to be alone at that moment watching the scene alone by myself reflecting and being happy that i can share that moment with my self. winter is just so much better. all the crowds are at home watching the sun set on tv. or maybe they are at the gym or in some tropical horridplace along with the seven thousand that will be where i am on this glorious winter day.<br />
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strangely enough, only the cool kids showed up to the beach to watch the sun set on a winter day after a storm. those cool kids would be grandparents. pretty cool that at least those types still love the winter and hate people. i like grandparents.<br />
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it was a week where things just lined up. snow followed by a super storm to crash the cape. than the last day it all cleared for a glorious day of exploration and trek back home. a voice that was lost from singing too much on the long drive home. a nice feeling of feeling at home in my new home. connecting with people i care about and hearing good news. watching as people i care about and have spent certain time periods with, and seeing them follow their dreams and cross those big crosswalks. it warms me and i cant help but smile.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-3089129963667999202013-01-06T17:58:00.000-08:002013-01-06T17:58:02.584-08:00conversationsas i watched a teammate close out the last set of his match, i heard a peculiar question posed by one 11ish year old boy.<br />
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"Dad, are there more bugs in the world or people?"<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-6241002804048853492013-01-01T07:51:00.000-08:002013-01-01T07:51:00.693-08:00dusty time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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walking through memories hidden deep inside the many years of travels and adventures, there lie a fair amount of rooms, locations, attics, benches, windows, and tables where dust is collecting. these places wait patiently to be discovered again. they have a thin layer of snow and coldness to preserve them and suspend them in time and space. moments in time that wont go away; that cannot go away. some of them i have tried to erase, others i have tried to hide. some have threads of sun and brightness, others smell of rain and October. all the doors are unlocked. and as my next walk starts and as i continue to travel deeper into time, i still can come back to these places. i will open the door, remove the layers of dust, ice, snow, and rain. i will look out the windows. i will sit on the benches. lay in the rooms. rock in the rocking chairs in the attics. dine at the tables. and than i will close the door behind me, knowing ill be back again someday.<br />
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im not a fan of time; or at least age, calendar days, and weeks. i am a fan of the past, future, and now. the last year, or 52 weeks a lot of past has happened. and i think these things will have a lot of meaning for the future. and now i sometimes know its now because of those pasts. i guess all i want to tell myself on this morning of newness in some kind of fashion that i am not a fan of is that its new and its now and there will be more tomorrows and yesterdays and i like that i also like the places that i will constantly re discover weather those places haunt my mind endlessly or brighten my spirits they are my places; my rooms, my locations, my attics, my benches, my windows, and my tables. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-5853562430661880512012-12-25T18:03:00.000-08:002012-12-25T18:03:15.213-08:00reflecting is writing whenever i have these thoughts of reflect, of looking back on the past, all i can think about is how i can write them. although it may be nice, and may not be nice, if a knew a lot of people read these thoughts, but i know that very very few do. its more of a thing that i do for myself. a reflection that i jot down so i can remember and so that i can share with the people i love the most someday when i love those people enough to want to share what was my past and my past reflections. something that someone once said, a person i respect greatly, said that we never grow up. that we are always growing and the problems of today are always more difficult than the ones from yesterday. even as some of us become parents and even though we think being "grown up" is easy and somehow the teenage angst goes away, i think the growing up angst is stronger, and im scared to think about it, but i bet the parent angst is even stronger.<br />
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so what is going on with my head what are the thoughts that i have been needing to write down. the first is something i jotted down in my notepad a while back. its the idea that being in control is lame. its the idea that if we are in control that we know what we are doing that something good happens. that is a lame thought. knowing what we are doing is something i only want when i am 1 hour away from death. maybe even one minute away. with the thought that i know what i am doing i will have no reason to reach for more no reason to keep going no reason to want more. and that is lame, if lame is something that is real.<br />
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the next thought i have been really thinking about on the late is the strange something that makes humans, us, think that others are somehow less complicated than we are, I are. I know im crazy and my mind goes places that it should not and maybe a place yours does not. but somehow through this i think that somehow i am going through more than you. and that is silly. you are just as complex and your mind is going places that i can not understand and places i can not comprehend. yet my brain tells me that i am the only one. that i went to places you have not, which is true, but just because i went somewhere you did not go, doesnt mean that you didnt go to a place i have no been. you might laugh but cry inside. you might cry. you might want to cry but cant. i cant know. and that is something that something inside of me tells me that you dont know. but if i take a step back i know that you must have been there. must have been places i have no been. so why is it that we think we are the only ones. we always place us in places that we have only been, thinking that we are the only ones. i know, and know maybe too well, that it is easy to make the world, me against the world. i just am at a stage in life where this is so strange. maybe going along with my last offering, i just dont understand why humans have a hard time understanding. its something that should be natural. yet it is something that is not natural, or at the least, in places it is something that seems unnatural. something we dont want to do. i want to do it. i just wish it was easier sometimes.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-21982634478674878492012-11-20T17:54:00.002-08:002012-11-20T17:54:27.780-08:00conflicts and forgiveness i think we all run into a lot of conflicts as we walk and run. some conflicts are natural some are nice some are motivating some might make us break down some might make us throw things or tear apart things. some conflicts have no answer and are endless. some are easily solved through compromise and sacrifice. conflicts seem to make choices for me. <div>
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sometimes i want something so very bad, but i can't have it. it can't be that way. and i know that i can't solve the conflict now. but that doesn't mean that i don't think time will mend it and a sort of pathway will slowly appear. in hopes that someday the conflict might dissipate. </div>
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conflicts sometimes need forgiveness. while conflicts sometimes have no answers or seemingly so, forgiveness is easy. its a choice. i can forgive my sister for anything. but i don't know if i can forgive you for anything. but i can. </div>
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forgivness can solve so many conflicts and its almost too easy. peace of mind can be obtained. it can even be given. </div>
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just two words that seem to be swarming around in my pea brain for a while.</div>
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on another note. the coastal skies are too good. morning sun on morning water with morning skies. night time clouds and colors with night time water and an almost angry and hopeful tint. something about being on the water is different. and than there is the forest sky. middle of the forest with black clear skies and perfect stars. i always thought i wanted to be a city kid. i am thinking i am more of a country kid. maybe both at some point. i like morning drives. i like night time drives. i like the city sometimes. but i like being away from it too. i can feel myself pulling away from some of the things i wanted to be or thought i wanted to be or things someone told me i should be or something that some voice told me i should be. i am not sure if this transition is a better me or a fake me. i could have it all wrong. which is usually the case when it comes to directions. i am always lost. but i think i know where im going. which is the good part... right? </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-49251267053900450042012-10-21T21:03:00.003-07:002012-10-21T21:03:49.200-07:00october sky, the smell of october, and the taste of the fall rainso it is october. its been a while... i havent written in this place in a while. i guess i tend to neglect the important parts of my live when im moving fast and running faster. the last little bit of time has been a journey. i feel different and my thoughts are starting to change. but somethings are always the same. they way that i brush my teeth has changed, due to this new electronic one. its amazing. i like it. funny how i never wanted to invest in one, and now im pretty sad that i waited so long.<br />
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i found out i really like to cook for people. its kinda funny how much happiness it brings to me. i am no master. and i dont really know much, but i do enjoy it a lot. although i pretty much have zero desire to ever work in a restaurant or own one. i just want to be a nice home cook. make nice meals for people i like. i like to have dinner parties. if you would like me to cook for you, ill make you something, just let me know.<br />
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i need to take a few steps back and get back to some basics. i can feel myself tying to run fast enough to fly and i can't fly too well so i want to ease off just a bit.<br />
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i started to play tennis a lot again and that is real real nice. im happy to be doing that. it clears my head and teaches me to be strong and amazing.<br />
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i am really not sure what is next what i should be thinking, what i want to be thinking. but i wanted to let some of the crazyness in my mind out. sometimes if i dont write for too long all the crazy just builds up and hides in my head. and that is when i know im in trouble. when it stops trying to get out. then i know. its starting to hide and i might not be able to find it again. and then i would really go crazy. and i dont really want to be crazy. i just want to be sometimes crazy. or a little bit crazy.<br />
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i really like long drives in the morning. sometimes it can get to be a lot. but i think i like a decent drive in the morning. when i work like 5-10 min from home, i just dont like the feeling. i need that morning drive and singing session to get me ready for the days work. tomorrow i get to drive to the cape. and although it might be a bit far, im looking forward to it. it's supposed to be nice, and fall is here, so im pretty excited to see all the nice cars on the road and colors of trees and follow the colors of the wind down to a place i have never been before.<br />
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i am starting to like fish more. pretty strange. but i guess its good. i just dont like the smell that much. fish is like a new adventure of cooking.<br />
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i wonder what truth looks like...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-16798989285292264782012-07-09T21:10:00.000-07:002012-07-09T21:10:09.724-07:00fresh feelingI am not sure what I am doing or what i will be doing but things are starting to change. i am starting a new journey in a new land and getting some of my home back. i will be moving into a place that i can start to call home. i have a nice bubble to drive around in again. i miss driving and i love driving. although i am only good at getting lost, i am lucky enough to rely on special devices to help me get to those hard to find locations where i need to perform work and make money to pay for my personal bubble and home.<br />
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the special experiment that lasted 2 years has come to an end. a time capsule project. a cool person i met 2 years ago and I wrote a letter to each other after 2 encounters about whatever it was that was on our minds and relating to each other and our perception of the other. untouched it sat for 2 years deep in the proverbial ground under trees and waterfalls; gmail. at least it starts with a g. its pretty funny to read what i wrote. i was so much more arrogant back then. if you can imagine that. i mean sometimes i wonder how i have more then 1 friend with that amount of arrogance i have. i am not sure i would be my friend. anyways it was a great project, and i would recommend it if you ever meet a cool person.<br />
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nausea is such a crazy feeling. its so crazy. crazy is good right? good is not bad right? i am good at telling myself what is good yeahhhh?<br />
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good night friends.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-41412203383115626442012-05-18T11:50:00.000-07:002012-05-18T11:50:32.299-07:00memories of emotions<br />
<h3 id="influenced" name="influenced" style="color: #777777; font-family: Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
Who are you influenced by?</h3>
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Everybody.</div>
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Artists of course, and if you want names, I would say Rockwell, Wyeth, Remington, Renoir, Rembrandt, Tadahiro Ueusugi, Kiraz, just to name a few, but I'm mostly influenced by everyday events. By the people that are around me, such as my wife and my daughter, my friends and coworkers, the barista at the coffee shop, and the cashier at the grocery store.</div>
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What is your inspiration?</h3>
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In everyday life. In my daughter, my wife, my friends, my work. Sometimes I’ll be biking down the street and see something that I like and it will wind up in the next sketch. Sometimes it’s being at the supermarket or giving a bath to my daughter and she looks at me and smiles. It lasts for a second, but the memory of it stays with me for a long time. These are the things that interest me the most.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">i have this obsession with interviews. I read them over and over again. i watch them over and over again. all my favorite people. from the people who play tennis well, to the art that i enjoy, to the writers that keep me living, to the academics who have the best minds, to the musicians who help me sing well and dance better. interviews are so interesting. i have always liked to write, i am not good enough nor do i try hard enough to have dreams of writing a book or anything like that. but something i have always kind of wanted to do is write an autobiography. not to sell, because i hope no one would want to buy it. but just something that my kids could read, or maybe close friends. i think people have such different and interesting perspectives on what goes on around them. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">the above comes from interviews of a guy that i have recently really enjoyed. his art is very emotional and story telling and i like that. i really liked his work and couldn't really figure out what it was that drew me to liking it so much. but when i started to read his interviews and what not, i think i figured it out. he seems to be really taken back by random people in our daily lives, people that we might only encounter once, but that leave some kind of lasting memory or emotion. simple stuff like a smile or laugh. its strange the memories that imprint themselves on our minds. real things of value. value is nice. </span></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-31802207912310681102012-05-17T20:17:00.000-07:002012-05-17T20:17:12.474-07:00shiftingthe seasons seem to be changing again. the humidity is coming out the heat is going to come along soon as well. it reminds me of other times. no mater how much i hate the heat and
humidity, it reminds me of some good times. and i think i can learn to like it. maybe. i used to hate warm rain too, but now i like it. not as much as cold rain, but warm rain is completely different and nice too.<br />
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normally i make those big shifts in the winter. i have always made the largest biggest and scariest choices in the winter. but i think this year its going to be the summer. i can feel a real shift coming along and for once it might be in the warm times. it might be a little scary though, i mean i hate the heat and i want to make a big time choices in the times i love deeply and endlessly. seems dumb. but dumb things are always good things. without being a little dumb, i would be pretty boring. maybe i am already boring, but i might be more boring. who knows maybe i will start to enjoy heat and sweating. i guess i do like sweating, just not when im not supposed to be sweating. if we are ever not supposed or supposed to be doing anything. i dont think i am very certain about what we are supposed to or supposed to not be doing. and if it is really that important. sometimes its strange that i have these feelings of what i am supposed to be doing. someday i hope to do the things that i want to do. not sure what those things are yet, but it might involve sweating a lot. and maybe not. i kinda like it when sweat stings my eye balls. i also like when sweat dries with salt everywhere. it reminds me of the great salt lake where salt is dried everywhere. i like when water dries and leaves marks of something. not sure why but its kinda nice. although im sure that that is also supposed to be gross. im just trying to transition into what i want to be and transition away from what im supposed to be.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-56469269312547291402012-05-10T21:40:00.001-07:002012-05-10T21:40:26.580-07:00who do you enjoy talking to?for me... i think i do the best talking with myself. i am too stubborn to listen to others advice. so i enjoy listening to myself, because if i follow my own advice i can still be stubborn. its like i didnt lose.<br />
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its kinda funny, because i enjoy listing to others. and a few people enjoy talking to me. i think some people find it easy to tel me things? maybe not... but there are a few kids who like talking to me. i like trying to listen and doing my best doing that. i kinda realize that i have a hard time telling others things. kinda strange. some things are so easy to share, while other things are so hard. i guess it should be like that for everyone.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-81070982092861780562012-04-30T09:13:00.000-07:002012-04-30T09:13:03.837-07:00i guess what i am trying to say is that i will always be a child who is nervous and fit for fear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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sometimes i wonder about fear. some people say that fear is failure. some people say fear motivates them. some people say fear is only for children. RZA says in his book tao of the wu that enlightened men do not fear. i guess i dont want to be enlightened. i think fear can be silly at times. but i cant deny the power of fear. depending on where you stand, fear can be perceived differently. my biggest fear as a child were silly things. like a man entering from my window and taking me away. i would think happy thoughts to fight off the bad ones. i also had a stage where i feared that we were like ants to something else. the way that i could play with ants, i thought maybe someone else could play with me. that was scary. i remember one of my childhood friends was most scared of an armageddon like event.<br />
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today i think i am most scared of being content. i dont want to reach the end of the tunnel. its all in the chase. i dont want to feel comfortable. i want to always feel like im falling like i need to grab something like i need to reach higher like i need to run faster like i need to yell louder like i need more. i dont want to sit still for too long. i dont want it to always be noisy. i want silence. but i want confusion. i want new experiences. i want to constantly change.<br />
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i guess what i am trying to say is that i will always be a child who is nervous and fit for fear.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-9412957482842468502012-04-21T22:36:00.004-07:002012-04-21T22:36:54.986-07:00a short story about dreams and funthere was once a girl named cloud. she seemed to understand how everything worked. she seemed to understand what the past was supposed to mean and what today meant and what tomorrow was going to mean. she liked enjoying nice things and simple things. she could laugh nicely and softly. she could also cry softly and quietly. she wrote beautifully. she had an eye for the world and she loved. she understood that her heart could never be full, so she lived to always fill it with more. she was not sure what she ultimately wanted to accomplish, but she was always running or walking or walking quickly through the journey. always slowing or stopping to find the importance.she found laughter in the strangest places, she found beauty in hidden lands, she found tears in all that mattered. she understood everything and nothing. she was spontaneous. she painted thoughts. she liked rocks.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3387275353719885787.post-88956578654103715902012-04-09T10:44:00.001-07:002012-04-09T10:44:12.459-07:00i figured out what i want to be...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i want to be a rock star.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14536919988414645645noreply@blogger.com0