Confidence

confidence

this thing that we need. sometimes more than other times. we all work so hard to gather our experiences and wins in order to build this seemingly illusive thing to use in order to hang bigger wins up in our imaginary trophy shelf in our mind. sometimes these trophy's come in the forms of real awards other times it comes with cash. confidence is so fucking dangerous though. it can tear our relationships apart. it can lead to the enemy and greed. its such a balance of trash. we need it to survive and we learn that we want it and that we need a healthy level of it. but as you gain it you want more of it and that leads to evil. its such a tough concept and its potentially something that as i grow older is more and more difficult to handle. it doesnt get easier. it gets harder. the choices are bigger. and the consequences are larger.

we are, or i feel like i am, living in this era where we are trying to be less self centered and more selfless. we want to be in the masses. we want to grow big and bring our friends with us. this concept is great and feels like a happy selfless idea. but it also lets us spread our greed. we think because its for the greater, its somehow less greedy. we are making things for the sake of producing trophy's and not because we really believe in the ideas. the art of mastery is getting lost in this fast pace, move around a lot, create and sell; the get in get out mentality. all the greatest things i can think of came from lifetimes of dedication to a single art. a single idea. a single creation. and i feel like that is getting lost. there are more trophy's if u jump around endlessly. and maybe i am wrong. and maybe this is the changing. maybe there will be true triumph in this new culture of constant change. maybe this fast pace, instant transferring society of big data will prove to be the glory.

i don't often slow down in the summer. i often run all summer long. but this summer i have taken some time to slow down. spent some moments trying to enjoy the season i dont like that much. i feel like some typical things on a mental emotional level that i typically do in the winter took place in the summer. that is different and its foreign. but its nice.

its really hard to reject luxury. its hard to walk into places that u think u hate and enjoy the feeling that you have arrive at this imaginary place "i made it". i dont like quotes but ill use it this time because it is what it is. i enjoy the quotes. the class an symbol of money. things that we cant afford but when we buy make us feel somehow confident. and its bad. its a bad bad place.

Worst feeling

You know what is a horrible feeling... the feels that you get when you leave a place and wonderful people that you know you may never get to see again.

I have had a fair number of the goodbyes in my life. Living in a few countries, city's, towns, etc in the short time that i have bee walking this earth. And they are not that bad, because usually I am saying goodbye to friends who I know I will see again; who i know i will keep in contact with all the time.

This is my first goodbye in the office. I feel so so sad. I am saying goodbye to some amazing people who i have shared so many moments with. Who have taught me so much. and its strange because we have been through so much. It is just that they dont know the details. they know when im down and pick me up - we just dont talk the details. i know when they are down and I try my best to be there. I just dont know the details. and so its so so strange to say goodbye. because we are so close yet so far. they have held me and i have held them we just don't know for what reason we held each others hand. and i am so sad to be leaving these great moments behind and these great people. I know I will see some of them again. but some of them i will only speak to once in a while. and some i may never see again.

today is a sad day and it made me understand the complexity of relationships. everyone is great and i know to cherish them all. but this time i just feel empty because i cant even explain why i wont see them again. it just is this way. the relationship was based on these premises. and sure, i will see some of them again because we broke the premise and became real friends. but real means nothing in terms of goodness. because the real friends are just as important as the coworker friendship. i just wont see the coworker again and this is sad.

and so this is goodbye to the north east and to the previously untraveled land. i have enjoyed it so much and it has given me so much. and i will forever be changed by the memories here. i feel like i am leaving so much untapped and that i will miss so much of this land.

There is really nothing to say except endless thankfulness for the experiences and memories.

Rules

its 8.26.2014 i like to write dates with periods but i don't think its very excepted.

i also have not written an entry for a long time.

a lot has also gone on in my life since last time i wrote.

i also spend less time on computers since last time i wrote. not more studying for the exam.

as potentially the last exam of my life is over, i am sad and happy. i want to borrow something that many people i like have said, or stated similarly. everyday, we are in a classroom. dont sit still. dont stop learning. funny story, in undergrad, in one of the capstone courses, we wrote a paper about all we had learned, kind of a reflective piece. And although, when i write, i may come across more sensitive and sentimental, in real life i dont think i portray that image. I think i come across more focused and "calm yet intense" (that is what my boss tells me at least). anyways back to the story, so the last sentence of my essay stated "and I will never stop learning". My closest friend in the class blew up laughing and the class followed. The thing was, I was 100% serious.

so what i really wanted to write about was this thought i had after reading something somewhere. this thought really started last friday when a coworker made fun of me because i always say "it is what it is".

So... we live in this world where our friends, humans, have spent their entire existence to come up with truths or rules. we come up with rules that seem to work and than someone smarter with more resources comes up with a counter. and offers a new solution. everything was groundbreaking once. perhaps the only thing that hasnt been fully countered are spiritual things. and thats another conversation. so... we live in this place where the sky is our roof, the ground is earth, there is gravity, there is a sun and a moon, we think its normal to like the opposite sex, but there are lines and some are the middlesex, we think substances that change our state of mind are bad, we hold morals that work in our ideals, there is a type of equality. BUT we just have all these rules and they are always changing and sometimes wrong. one of the things i hate more than anything else is to believe in something so much and so passionately live that idea, only to learn it was wrong. that is the worst feeling i have experienced so far in life. and here i am always saying things like "it is what it is". well maybe its not. and maybe it shouldnt be. we are so caught up in our little earth, living in this construct, like we think its real.

when i was young, my two passions were rocks and space. rocks were easier, so i liked to play with them and could easily find them. space, well that was a little to abstract. i could only read so much, and well physics and math were a little beyond me. but rocks told about our history and were old. it always amazed me that rocks were so old and yet i could hold them and make up stories about how they got here what they were who touched them and so on. they were my stories. space made me feel small and i wanted to know all about it. well now we know there is so much more than our solar system, our earth, and so on. now i feel smaller. now i wonder just how important our little rules are. we are so stuck on our earth and our rules, will we ever really get to see what else is out there?

lets break all the rules.

byebye

humans

so i have written about interviews and my love for them many times before. i wish i got to be interviewed. i want to interview my friends. it has some amazing way of letting people talk about how they really feel without feeling like a complete looser. like in normal life you can just be like yo im really feeling down about this but you know what has really helped me get through it is dot dot dot. like we can't do that. and i think its beneficial to say it and to hear it. we are so used to being these rocks of people who struggle and continue to win through our will and our self made remedies to solve the problems in our own lives. and we are all different and great. and sometimes we need to tell someone about it. sometimes we need to listen to someone tell us about it.


when u read or listen to watch an interview you get to observe people who have been successful in their fields talk about themselves and what helps them and what makes them and where they came from and how they view things. you get to have a brief moment where you can enter their heads. see what they think see how they feel and how they have made it. it could be some writer of non fiction. some scientist. some actor/actress. some artist. some music maker. some athlete. its just amazing how they are and what they have done to get where they are. we are all trying to get somewhere. and if i have learned anything from interviews it is that we dont get there alone. it is the people we encounter along the way that help us. learning from those around us is an amazing thing.

. . . . . . .

the picture above is the view i have gotten to enjoy while going to a client i have been assigned to over the last few weeks. there is greatness is driving in new directions, waking up at different times. seeing new things. cant get enough of it. the view every morning for the last few weeks has made me happy. its more vibrant in real life. its more real. its hot steam entering the world i wake up to. the zero degree cold and dry. the sun. the ice which lines the sidewalks. its real.

. . . . . . .

i ate breakfast this morning. and as i was drinking my coffee i turned on the tv and watched a few min's of the kitchen. its one of the few times i watch tv during the week. weekend mornings while eating food. there is this show called The Kitchen on the food network. at first i was kinda neutral to it. it wasnt bad wasnt good just kinda something to watch while i ate. but i really like geoffrey zakarian so that made it good. and than i realized that this show is pretty fun. like i want to have it in my own life. like have a few good friends over. each person make something. eat all day long. play games and chat while ppl are in the kitchen. would be pretty fun way to spend a day. that go me thinking how i become this person. i would have never had that thought 3 years ago. how your mind changes and how you start to feel different and what you would rather do. it changes. and its strange because you have these thoughts and they all seem so good and real. and than you are shocked that you just had that thought. because it appeared out of nowhere. and things that you thought you were you might not be. or its changing. and your happy about that. but just in shock that things are changing. i am changing. and that is odd. someone come interview me so i can tell you about it.

. . . . . . .

okay one more morning thought. i am an inoj. always have been. and i don't really see that changing. im quite happy living in my bubble being alone a lot and being judgmental. being pretty antisocial. of course i can be outgoing at times. but kinda like to being pretty introverted. and i respect other introverts more so than say the super extrovert. but than there are some extroverts that i am so jealous of sometimes. like they can just talk so candidly about themselves and say the dumbest stuff and sound cool about it. like laugh super loud. slapstick humor ready. but still come off as sensitive and smart. they are kings. sometimes.... just sometimes i wish i was extroverted like that. its rare to see in a person but some people can do it. it has a lot with why i dont really watch the blockbuster hit comedy films much. some of the rare times i find myself left out of a joke is when ppl start quoting lines from these movies. everyone is shocked that i havent seen "that" movie. iunno i just am not a fan. ill watch them. i will laugh. i will enjoy the moment. and i won't think it was a waste of time. but i would never seek out watching them. there is so many other films i would rather watch.

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Winter

It is winter. It is cold. I am parking outside again. So i can see my breath in the morning. Which is a big upgrade from last winter. The downgrade is digging out of my parking spot. Snow loves to cover the ground and take over my parking spot. I think its a good trade. my breath for shoveling. 

one thing i have been noticing recently is how much people, myself included, claim they do not have time for things. as we get older we have less and less time. we have less time until the day we die. we have less time to do nothing, because we are busy trying to make money to spend on nothing. the more we work. the less time we have. but the more money we can have. and more importantly, if we work well, we can upgrade our minds and spirit. we can gain talents to use later. to make more money. or at least we can tell someone that we have experienced so many great things that will make it worth while paying me too much money. but really, time is time. you know? we can make time for anything. not having time to do something is so lame. and if you break it down, we do have time. it amazing the things i tell myself i dont have time for. every time i have heard myself say this sentence in the last year has been a lie. i have time to do all the things i have wanted to do or someone has asked me to do. i just make up some lie in my head to justify not having time. if i want to work out, i can make time. if i want to watch a football game, i can. if i want to eat dinner with a friend. i can. not having time is such a lame excuse for everything. i also think it is hilarious when other people complain they dont have time. because if you could really analyze it, i guarantee they have time. maybe they have to cut down on something else. however, when someone says they don't have time for something, it is almost always more important than something they might have to cut down on. time is so complicated. and so abstract. and so fake. but time is ours and we can do what we want with it. not having time is silly. and although i love silly, i will attempt to understand time more. lets make time. if we can manufacture time we can win.

you know what is one of the worst feelings of all time. when someone feels sad for you. like when they ask you a question expecting a good happy answer. but the truth is empty nothingness. and they completely expected goodness. but the answer is nothingness. and i am okay with it. i am happy with it. but they are so confused and have nothing to say because there is no answer. and they scrabble to say something to somehow make it better. but there is nothing. because the answer is not bad, it is just nothing. and that makes me feel bad. because they are scrambling to cover up something that is. it doesnt need anything else. its just some silly system telling them that things are supposed to be a certain way, when the truth is that they dont need to be. 

the power of the desire to agree with those around you is endless and really is ugly. i know i want to agree with others too. i can catch myself being like yea i agree when know i am in complete disagreeance. i try not to be that way. but sometimes it is just the easy way out. but that power to want to agree is so ugly. so so ugly. 

ageing is fun.

Autumn Leaves, Autumn Skies, Autumn Waters, and Autumn Hiding

As it grows colder, the leaves change colors, the skies bleeds with flames, the water freezes, and as people go into hiding, Ryan comes out to play.

I love the winter. Everyone goes back to their houses and plays their indoor games and they dont want to play on beaches anymore. That is the time that Ryan loves to play on beaches. No people to distract you from the views that dont end. The water is still their, and sometimes its freezing and looks nice. The birds are still eating and making noise. And the sky is orange and red as the sun rises and sets. I love that I have to travel to the beach in the fall and winter. I love being their when no one is there. Spending a week in the furthest place on the cape has been just want i needed to get back into living. Maybe that is why i like the winter the crisp cold makes u feel alive.

I once knew a young girl named Marge. She loved the winter and everything that came with it. She loved to watch the white snow cover all the things she loved. She loved how this white blanket could fall onto the world that she knew and make her smile and watch in awe as the land turned to a pure state of nothingnessbeauty. As all color was erased. As all things were buried. She loved the new that was made. The serenity and oneness and ease that the winter brought. She would tell herself that the winter is when all the cool kids went inside and all the cool kids came outside to enjoy the lonely sights of the raw world. Snow is smiling at the winter with a warm heart and warm toes.

running in the wrong direction...

i have taken a few steps in the normal direction for the last year or so... and that has been great and all. its like i am going somewhere that i am supposed to go. and i guess there is a part of me that wants to go in that direction that place were we think we are supposed to go. but i can feel myself stuttering, wanting to run in a new direction. looking for that other place. it might be time to run in the wrong direction for a while.

i am also in this minimalist phase. simple living. i was at this super cool place the other day getting a black plain coffee, or that is what they call a coffee that does not have cream and sugar in this strange place on the eastern coast of this country. i also got a plain bagel. and plain cream cheese. the guy behind the counter looked at me and sort of spat out a sort of rhythmic line, almost as if he were reciting poetry. 

"plain coffee, plain bagel, plain cream cheese, for a plain man."

i laughed a little and told him i like to keep it basic. he kinda got me thinking about that. i guess i do like to keep some stuff simple, plain, basic. i like to call it classic. timeless. today was el classico 2013 pretty good day for the classic. 

i also watched some random stuff on the internet. read some random stuff. i kind of felt like my undergrad days when i could spend tons of time reading interviews of all these music makers, writers, random people, and get inspired about their stuff. enjoy their creative minds doing stuff they do. being who they are wanting to be honest and trying to be themselves in a fast moving world with new problems living in this country where things seem to be going wrong but no one really notices or feels it yet. 

i have been watching all these classic films too. or classic films of my life the films that were honest when i was a kid. i watched a few films recently that don't have real actors and actresses, but instead just try to tell a story authentically. i like that raw realness. or at least the idea of it. the only real way to feel right is to be right. and its hard in a this world of fakers. we are the century of fakers. 

so i guess its time to run in the wrong direction for a while...