reflecting is writing

whenever i have these thoughts of reflect, of looking back on the past, all i can think about is how i can write them. although it may be nice, and may not be nice, if a knew a lot of people read these thoughts, but i know that very very few do. its more of a thing that i do for myself. a reflection that i jot down so i can remember and so that i can share with the people i love the most someday when i love those people enough to want to share what was my past and my past reflections. something that someone once said, a person i respect greatly, said that we never grow up. that we are always growing and the problems of today are always more difficult than the ones from yesterday. even as some of us become parents and even though we think being "grown up" is easy and somehow the teenage angst goes away, i think the growing up angst is stronger, and im scared to think about it, but i bet the parent angst is even stronger.

so what is going on with my head what are the thoughts that i have been needing to write down. the first is something i jotted down in my notepad a while back. its the idea that being in control is lame. its the idea that if we are in control that we know what we are doing that something good happens. that is a lame thought. knowing what we are doing is something i only want when i am 1 hour away from death. maybe even one minute away. with the thought that i know what i am doing i will have no reason to reach for more no reason to keep going no reason to want more. and that is lame, if lame is something that is real.

the next thought i have been really thinking about on the late is the strange something that makes humans, us, think that others are somehow less complicated than we are, I are. I know im crazy and my mind goes places that it should not and maybe a place yours does not. but somehow through this i think that somehow i am going through more than you. and that is silly. you are just as complex and your mind is going places that i can not understand and places i can not comprehend. yet my brain tells me that i am the only one. that i went to places you have not, which is true, but just because i went somewhere you did not go, doesnt mean that you didnt go to a place i have no been. you might laugh but cry inside. you might cry. you might want to cry but cant. i cant know. and that is something that something inside of me tells me that you dont know. but if i take a step back i know that you must have been there. must have been places i have no been. so why is it that we think we are the only ones. we always place us in places that we have only been, thinking that we are the only ones. i know, and know maybe too well, that it is easy to make the world, me against the world. i just am at a stage in life where this is so strange. maybe going along with my last offering, i just dont understand why humans have a hard time understanding. its something that should be natural. yet it is something that is not natural, or at the least, in places it is something that seems unnatural. something we dont want to do. i want to do it. i just wish it was easier sometimes.

conflicts and forgiveness

i think we all run into a lot of conflicts as we walk and run. some conflicts are natural some are nice some are motivating some might make us break down some might make us throw things or tear apart things. some conflicts have no answer and are endless. some are easily solved through compromise and sacrifice. conflicts seem to make choices for me. 

sometimes i want something so very bad, but i can't have it. it can't be that way. and i know that i can't solve the conflict now. but that doesn't mean that i don't think time will mend it and a sort of pathway will slowly appear. in hopes that someday the conflict might dissipate. 

conflicts sometimes need forgiveness. while conflicts sometimes have no answers or seemingly so, forgiveness is easy. its a choice. i can forgive my sister for anything. but i don't know if i can forgive you for anything. but i can. 

forgivness can solve so many conflicts and its almost too easy. peace of mind can be obtained. it can even be given. 

just two words that seem to be swarming around in my pea brain for a while.

~ ~ ~

on another note. the coastal skies are too good. morning sun on morning water with morning skies. night time clouds and colors with night time water and an almost angry and hopeful tint. something about being on the water is different. and than there is the forest sky. middle of the forest with black clear skies and perfect stars. i always thought i wanted to be a city kid. i am thinking i am more of a country kid. maybe both at some point. i like morning drives. i like night time drives. i like the city sometimes. but i like being away from it too. i can feel myself pulling away from some of the things i wanted to be or thought i wanted to be or things someone told me i should be or something that some voice told me i should be. i am not sure if this transition is a better me or a fake me. i could have it all wrong. which is usually the case when it comes to directions. i am always lost. but i think i know where im going. which is the good part... right? 

october sky, the smell of october, and the taste of the fall rain

so it is october. its been a while... i havent written in this place in a while. i guess i tend to neglect the important parts of my live when im moving fast and running faster. the last little bit of time has been a journey. i feel different and my thoughts are starting to change. but somethings are always the same. they way that i brush my teeth has changed, due to this new electronic one. its amazing. i like it. funny how i never wanted to invest in one, and now im pretty sad that i waited so long.

i found out i really like to cook for people. its kinda funny how much happiness it brings to me. i am no master. and i dont really know much, but i do enjoy it a lot. although i pretty much have zero desire to ever work in a restaurant or own one. i just want to be a nice home cook. make nice meals for people i like. i like to have dinner parties. if you would like me to cook for you, ill make you something, just let me know.

i need to take a few steps back and get back to some basics. i can feel myself tying to run fast enough to fly and i can't fly too well so i want to ease off just a bit.

i started to play tennis a lot again and that is real real nice. im happy to be doing that. it clears my head and teaches me to be strong and amazing.

i am really not sure what is next what i should be thinking, what i want to be thinking. but i wanted to let some of the crazyness in my mind out. sometimes if i dont write for too long all the crazy just builds up and hides in my head. and that is when i know im in trouble. when it stops trying to get out. then i know. its starting to hide and i might not be able to find it again. and then i would really go crazy. and i dont really want to be crazy. i just want to be sometimes crazy. or a little bit crazy.

i really like long drives in the morning. sometimes it can get to be a lot. but i think i like a decent drive in the morning. when i work like 5-10 min from home, i just dont like the feeling. i need that morning drive and singing session to get me ready for the days work. tomorrow i get to drive to the cape. and although it might be a bit far, im looking forward to it. it's supposed to be nice, and fall is here, so im pretty excited to see all the nice cars on the road and colors of trees and follow the colors of the wind down to a place i have never been before.

i am starting to like fish more. pretty strange. but i guess its good. i just dont like the smell that much. fish is like a new adventure of cooking.

i wonder what truth looks like...

fresh feeling

I am not sure what I am doing or what i will be doing but things are starting to change. i am starting a new journey in a new land and getting some of my home back. i will be moving into a place that i can start to call home. i have a nice bubble to drive around in again. i miss driving and i love driving. although i am only good at getting lost, i am lucky enough to rely on special devices to help me get to those hard to find locations where i need to perform work and make money to pay for my personal bubble and home.

the special experiment that lasted 2 years has come to an end. a time capsule project. a cool person i met 2 years ago and I wrote a letter to each other after 2 encounters about whatever it was that was on our minds and relating to each other and our perception of the other. untouched it sat for 2 years deep in the proverbial ground under trees and waterfalls; gmail. at least it starts with a g. its pretty funny to read what i wrote. i was so much more arrogant back then. if you can imagine that. i mean sometimes i wonder how i have more then 1 friend with that amount of arrogance i have. i am not sure i would be my friend. anyways it was a great project, and i would recommend it if you ever meet a cool person.

nausea is such a crazy feeling. its so crazy. crazy is good right? good is not bad right? i am good at telling myself what is good yeahhhh?

good night friends.

memories of emotions

Who are you influenced by?

Everybody.

Artists of course, and if you want names, I would say Rockwell, Wyeth, Remington, Renoir, Rembrandt, Tadahiro Ueusugi, Kiraz, just to name a few, but I'm mostly influenced by everyday events. By the people that are around me, such as my wife and my daughter, my friends and coworkers, the barista at the coffee shop, and the cashier at the grocery store.

What is your inspiration?

In everyday life. In my daughter, my wife, my friends, my work. Sometimes I’ll be biking down the street and see something that I like and it will wind up in the next sketch. Sometimes it’s being at the supermarket or giving a bath to my daughter and she looks at me and smiles. It lasts for a second, but the memory of it stays with me for a long time. These are the things that interest me the most.

i have this obsession with interviews. I read them over and over again. i watch them over and over again. all my favorite people. from the people who play tennis well, to the art that i enjoy, to the writers that keep me living, to the academics who have the best minds, to the musicians who help me sing well and dance better. interviews are so interesting. i have always liked to write, i am not good enough nor do i try hard enough to have dreams of writing a book or anything like that. but something i have always kind of wanted to do is write an autobiography. not to sell, because i hope no one would want to buy it. but just something that my kids could read, or maybe close friends. i think people have such different and interesting perspectives on what goes on around them. 

the above comes from interviews of a guy that i have recently really enjoyed. his art is very emotional and story telling and i like that. i really liked his work and couldn't really figure out what it was that drew me to liking it so much. but when i started to read his interviews and what not, i think i figured it out. he seems to be really taken back by random people in our daily lives, people that we might only encounter once, but that leave some kind of lasting memory or emotion. simple stuff like a smile or laugh. its strange the memories that imprint themselves on our minds. real things of value. value is nice.  

shifting

the seasons seem to be changing again. the humidity is coming out the heat is going to come along soon as well. it reminds me of other times. no mater how much i hate the heat and  humidity, it reminds me of some good times. and i think i can learn to like it. maybe. i used to hate warm rain too, but now i like it. not as much as cold rain, but warm rain is completely different and nice too.

normally i make those big shifts in the winter. i have always made the largest biggest and scariest choices in the winter. but i think this year its going to be the summer. i can feel a real shift coming along and for once it might be in the warm times. it might be a little scary though, i mean i hate the heat and i want to make a big time choices in the times i love deeply and endlessly. seems dumb. but dumb things are always good things. without being a little dumb, i would be pretty boring. maybe i am already boring, but i might be more boring. who knows maybe i will start to enjoy heat and sweating. i guess i do like sweating, just not when im not supposed to be sweating. if we are ever not supposed or supposed to be doing anything. i dont think i am very certain about what we are supposed to or supposed to not be doing. and if it is really that important. sometimes its strange that i have these feelings of what i am supposed to be doing. someday i hope to do the things that i want to do. not sure what those things are yet, but it might involve sweating a lot. and maybe not. i kinda like it when sweat stings my eye balls. i also like when sweat dries with salt everywhere. it reminds me of the great salt lake where salt is dried everywhere. i like when water dries and leaves marks of something. not sure why but its kinda nice. although im sure that that is also supposed to be gross. im just trying to transition into what i want to be and transition away from what im supposed to be.

who do you enjoy talking to?

for me... i think i do the best talking with myself. i am too stubborn to listen to others advice. so i enjoy listening to myself, because if i follow my own advice i can still be stubborn. its like i didnt lose.

its kinda funny, because i enjoy listing to others. and a few people enjoy talking to me. i think some people find it easy to tel me things? maybe not... but there are a few kids who like talking to me. i like trying to listen and doing my best doing that. i kinda realize that i have a hard time telling others things. kinda strange. some things are so easy to share, while other things are so hard. i guess it should be like that for everyone.