the young cool scientist who polishes rocks in garages and makes sand castles at 2nd base

spring is hiding, and i feel like i am a evil person because while i am enjoying the endless rain and gloomy days, everyone around me is feeling depressed and angry. if i could steal summer too i would. and i would not apologize. i like sad gloomy people more then happy sunny people. is that okay?

time is passing by quickly and that is okay i guess. i am really not sure what i want to do next, but for the last year i have been in this bubble where i had a slack year to kinda float around and do as i pleased. it was the first time when i didnt really have to do nething. well it was the first time i was able to not plan the next step in life -- since my young scientist days. when i was a young little scientist i would build sand castles at 2nd base, not caring that my coach was yelling at me. i would polish rocks in my rock polisher. because that is what the cool kids were doing in their garages. now i think maybe i should go back to being a cool scientist. maybe i dont want to wear a suit anymore. even though i havent put one on yet, im not sure i want to either.

then again im sure the suit will go on. and i will be that person. ill just have to make a new little cool scientist one day and hope he doesn't fail like i did.

sometimes we learn amazing things...

I realized last week on Thursday i think, that i have not had a bloody nose for over a year. my teacher mentioned bloody noses and then my memory about how much i love bloody noses swirled into my mind. and then i realized that i have not had a bloody nose while in korea, meaning that it has been more then 1 year since i had one. that is amazingly not good. I miss bloody noses.

and even more amazing then that is that i learned something new. My entire life i have cracked eggs one way. I have always hit them on a counter top or on a pan of some sort. i have cracked eggs with one hand because that seemed cool, however i usually resort to the two handed method. However today February 7th 2010, i have cracked an egg with a spoon. and it was amazing. i think this new method is the best method yet. i can not really imagine myself cracking an egg again with my old ways, because with a spoon is really nice. and its very weird. i had this imitate realization that even with something as simple as our egg cracking methods, when changed, is amazing. I guess i am not old, but i guess i had some sort of idea that i knew how to crack an egg. and then my whole world got flipped upside down and i realized that i have spent 23 long years without knowing how to crack and egg with a spoon.

i hope i learn some more things on my way through life.

good night dysfunctional ryan.

the same things a year later...

in a short time i will be departing to that place where everything once was, where all my stuff is, where i used to be, where so much is familiar to me.

ill have 11 long days to see everything that i used to see. 11 days to eat all those foods that i sometimes crave. 11 days to eat salty greatness. 11 days to talk to those people i used to talk to every day.

i wanna see the things that used to give me comfort, and i want to see how they have changed, or i want to see how my mind sees them differently. if of course a mind can see something differently, im not sure about that one.

i want to drive around.

i want to use my toilet, i want to use my shower, and i want to look out my window.

i dont know what i will do first, and i dont know how i will feel, and i dont know what the weather will be like.

i cant sleep. i cant really think straight, and i dont really want to.

windowseals...

Windowseals,



So thinking in to the past….
I think some of my fondest memories are at window seals. Why? I have no idea. I guess I do some good thinking at window seals. I remember as a child looking out my bedroom window seal. I remember as a younger child sitting in the basement while we listened to the tornado warnings on the radio, and the only thing I wanted to do was to pear out of a window seal. I remember looking out the window seal of my freshman dorm room. I have a good Polaroid of that window seal, its hanging in my room at my parents home. I remember looking out the window seal of my university apartment. I remember looking out the window seal of the hotel room when I was working in Portland. and I will defiantly remember the window seal where I live now. I remember all of them quite vividly. I can remember the colors of them, where the dust was, where the rust stains were, what the trees looked like when I peered out of those places. I kind of have two obsessions of pictures in my head. First is window seals. Second is picnic tables and benches.

old attics

I am an old attic. 

I listen to the same music i have always listened to. the stuff i remember my dad playing over and over again. the songs that we used to listen to as we rock and rolled our way to a clean house. the songs we listened to on long road trips. the songs i listened to when i lost my first love. the songs i listened to when i was confused. the songs that i listened to when i was lost. the songs that help bring a smile to my face. i can remember the feelings that slipped into my mind as i listened to them. the songs we listened to while in an empty parking lot.

I have the same thoughts that ran through my head as a young naive innocent child, the thoughts of questioning, the everyerthing that went through my head.

I like to keep old things too. I like to keep those t shits i got at soccer camps, at tennis camps, at summer camp. I like to keep my favorite shirt from 7th grade. I like everything that is old. I like old things. I like old nike shoes, i like old toys, i like old magazines, i like old things. 

I am worried I hold on to the past too much, and sometimes i wonder why. However at the same time, i am not a dweller of the past. I like to move fast, i like to move forward, i always want what is next before its here, i dont spend enough time in the present time. some   times   i   want   to   slow   down. othertimesiwanttogofaster. and yet still other times i just like to be what it is right now. i want to do my life.

~ ~ ~

right now what makes me smile.

a drink with good friends.

a look into another thoughts.

the times when we see something new in this crazy world.

the cool breeze that is now coming back to this place where i dwell.

I like to see high school students singing in a chior in front of thousands of fans, with the proud parents waving to their children, and the shivers that over come my body. those moments when u just are in awe of feelings. that can over take your body with no signs or reason, but just do. they bring smiles to your lips, and quiver your legs and arms, and warm your heart, in a way that is not very describable, yet very knowable at the same time. 

its a nice crisp pear.

~ ~ ~

I dont know what is going on in this head of mine right now. but i know its an important time. I just really need to focus on what i want, because the next little while is going to prove to be quite important. Its a chain of events that has given rise to this new brain which is trying to tell me a few things. its feelings that i have felt before coming back in new shapes and colors, and its trying to do what is right. its all this. and its this.

its nice to have something floating around in my thoughts that is always there to make me smile. it brings smiles to my face when walking around on the street, in the middle of class, while enjoying a nice quite time in my mind, while reading a book, while riding the bus, while watching tv. those smiles that just kinda creep on to your face. these thoughts are a little bit controlling, but at the same time a little bit nice.

well its monday evening, and these are the words that are flowing out from my fingers. 

three random thoughts, from three moments in time, from three different minds, which all reside in this brain of mine.

Emotions are what we live for. Whether they are sad, dark, happy, nostalgic, longing, bubbly, silly, naïve, sarcastic, funny, or just that an emotion. The over come you, they are true, they can bring that warmth to ur face. They open you up. These are the times we know that we are living. The times when living feels right. I like that.

~ ~ ~

Sunday September 12th 12:24am
Standing alone in the quiet enjoying a last moment before the decent into my small studio apartment, a young man walks by talking on the phone, another boy on the phone passes, then a girl with short hair, a teal skirt, a white blouse, and a black sweater walks by pretending to be on the phone, then one more boy on the phone, I stood and thought about being alone in this world. Thinking about proving to the world that I am a little different. Then thinking about why I am worried about being different. Deep in thought, when a boy on a loud motorbike floats by. Disrupting the silence and my thoughts. Then to look up and see the “하숙집” sign with 7 faded numbers that couldn’t be made out. seeing that maybe that is just what life is. Knowing the name and what it is, but not knowing how to contact it. Not knowing how to ask the question, not knowing how to know.

This was written on my little orange book. I’m not sure what I was thinking at the moment but it was important enough to write down.

~ ~ ~

You know what I like? I like things that don’t make sense. Like this. There is a corridor where people walk in the subway station. And in this corridor there is no method to which side of the hallway you should walk. Where I grew up we go forward on the right. In this corridor there are four lanes, 2 electric and 2 not. On the electric you go forward on the right. On the non, you go forward on the left. This didn’t seem to make sense to me, but my mind is narrow and not accepting, so in my peabrain I thought it was un-logical. But I liked that.

I like that because it means we don’t have to be logical. We can just do. Or it means maybe we should think harder. Maybe there is a reason. Let’s over think it. Lets think about thinking and then think so more, then we can find that logic. Or we could create the logic. Or we could just be that, unlogical. Lets not think. Lets not think about it, lets just be.

walking

Sometimes as I sit and think about that which all people do think about, I wonder what it is we should be thinking about. being here, doing this, learning that, reading this, watching them, and hearing smelling seeing this, I want to know what is next.

Will we be that guy that boy or that girl who was tricked into learning this and that in order to get that job, earn that money, buy that car, wear those clothes, drink that liquor, and live that happy life? Or can we live this life, thinking these things, reading these books, talking to these people, traveling to these places, not worrying about these things, and experiencing these things?

This life, that life, these lives, those lives, whose life, your life, this imaginary life, my life.