chairs

looks like spring might be near. we saw a small tint of the heat a few weeks back. we are back to the blissful cold weather that i adore. today is my early day where i get to wake up early and walk around outside when the sun is shinning from the other side. or not shinning through. today was a nice day. wet ground, cold air, seeing your breath, nice smell, and it reminded me of home. funny how smell can do that sometimes. i can smell home sometimes. when i see my little sisters dog's hair on things of mine, i also feel at home. strange how dog hair can some how find its way into my things so much later. how did it get here?

funny how much having an older brother and a younger sister shapes things. you are always worried about the little one. always wanting to give the right advice. but knowing how sometimes being a younger one receiving help or support... advice is that last thing you want. trying to balance being a nice older brother and being a reasonable one. only wanting that little one to find things to get excited about. only wanting them to be passionate about something they like and then following that. and then having an older figure. always being the younger one following along or trying to. worried about stepping on their shoes. worried about how heavy it might be at the top. lucky for me he is stronger then me. i have always let him carry the heavy things. my words can be too heavy at times though. such a bad habit that is. dangerous words.

i hate the summer. not really looking forward to it. the heat. the sweat. the best part of summer is the outdoors. i guess i will have to add that back into my life. right now i feel like i just sit in chairs. different ones, but non the less chairs. i like chairs. i also like sitting and doing things. but sometimes breaking up the time is good. i wanna run around.my dreams are haunting my thoughts lately. i dont like when thoughts haunt me. when i cant get things out of my head. i want to make them leave me alone sometimes. i want to convince them to leave me in my chair. because my chair is nice. but they dont like my chair. they want me to walk, run, or sit in a different chair. but i told them i dont want to. but they said i should. should i?

something i don't agree with

amongst the endless quotes that float around in the world and in my head, most of the ones i remember are ones i like or find meaning in. a few writings back i mentioned liking people that have a lifetime of stories. one thing that i feel like some people believe in is the idea that we should live to xxxxxxx. live to eat. live to write. live to have fun. it goes on and on. i dont want to live to do something. and i dont want to live to make a great story. living to do something is like admitting to being a part of this system that tells us that we should do certain things and should not do other things. living to do something is admitting to losing meaning in some things to get other things. i would like to think that everything we do has some piece of meaning and that meaning can be defined by ourselves. like dancing naked after a shower. enjoy that moment that no one will ever witness, nor should they ever witness. not because it might be a funny story to tell someday or because dancing might be an enabler for another thing, but because it just something that u do. i dont want to do that in order to get there. i want to search for truths and meanings within every little facet in my own life. and although each individual moment in my life is a part of my whole, i dont want to make them so interconnected that i have to distribute meaning and value to each individual part. if i had to make a live life to quote what would it be....

live life to run away from everyone and everything and never ever sit still and keep running until there is no more running left in the world and then fly and fly away from all meanings and things and then sail to find the truths that are perfect and endless and impossible to understand without just understanding.

the fun farm

A lot of people have dreams about life after the life where they make money. its like that idea of the second life. like first i will live a life where i will make money because money is important. and after i make some money i will do what i really want to do. for a lot of men or boys its a pub. for girls it might be a bakery or a cookie shop. for a lot it might be a restaurant as well. if you let the suit life affect you too much u might end up wanting a wine bar or something nice like that.

without having to talk about the part where we think we need two lives. because that i could ramble on about for seven lives. 

i want to have a farm. i guess i would want a farm right now too. but i am part of this system that says i have to give the fake world a go. i have to use all these fake skills i have been paying too much money to learn about. i have to prove to myself that i can make it in the fake world. i have to wear nice skull socks under my nice suit. maybe i will try to do some good things in the fake world too. i am not sure yet. maybe i will become a part of the fake world. 

but after that, if i make it. i want to recruit a bunch of my fake world real friends and start a farm. we would all go on an adventure and buy some real boots made from real things. we would get some real jeans. and we would build a farm. we might even be able to infuse some fake world skills into real world farming. how fun would it be to live on a farm with all your best friends and their wives and husbands. we could play games. we could pet our cows and pigs. we could raise our children on the prairie and in the valleys. farming seems like fun times and fun times seem like fun. i like fun times. i also usually like fun. and fun times. 

eating

eating is such a strange thing.

what do you do with things you like? maybe it is more natural then strange when we are young, and that at some point it becomes strange. when u see little kids eat things on the ground. putting everything they seem to enjoy in their mouth. maybe that is natural. we put what we like in our mouth to taste it and enjoy it and make it enter our bodies. but then at some point in time, we start to put things we like on shelves. we look at them. we might think about them. we might play with them. they might go in boxes and stay put away in barns in our backyards. or things that look like barns. as we get older, eating changes somehow. some of us become a word that i hate "foodies". if we have money we might spend time in nice restaurants. if we are too cool for that we might travel to hole in the wall places that we can lie to ourselves and call our special place or a cooler place because we are cooler then you. many people battle with eating issues. some of us claim to work out to eat. some of us eat to survive. no mater what food turns into for us as we age, it is not the same as the slightly stranger or maybe slightly more normal idea that we put things we like in our mouths. some people might face stranger or normaler ways of not eating animals or not eating unnatural things. some people might chose not to eat. i remember when i was old enough to know what dirty meant, i would still have the urge to put things i like in my mouth. sometimes i would do it knowing it was gross. some adults or at least older people still put things in their mouths. like tennis trophies. i like that. if i won a big tennis trophy that meant a lot i would want to put it in my stomach. or at least taste it. some people find comfort in cooking. some people find enjoyment in creating food for others. some people just love to eat nice food with nice people. some people lack taste buds or good ones and that might be sad or not sad. some food costs more. sometimes dirty foods taste nice. some people thing other peoples food is strange. what do you do with things you enjoy and like? i think i will try putting more things i like in my mouth again. i like rocks. maybe i should eat some. maybe that is why there is rock candy. for people who like rocks and therefore want to eat rocks. but dont want to die.

untitled

the places we end up in are unpredictable and great. somehow things end up right. they don't always. but that is the only way i can get from the places i have been to where i am now. and i can only hope that the places i will go are right and nice. when they are wrong then can we fix them? i am not sure about the answer to that question. but i do know that some things are not fixable. some things have no reason.some things are ending. we cant take back an end. it is the end. we can't fix the end. so the only thing i can really want is to go somewhere that doesnt end yet. and when the end comes i hope that all the non-end places i have been are good and nice. if all the non-ending places are good and nice then the ending place will be good and nice. i think. or at least most of the non-ending places are nice? at least half? one third? how about one? i am going to go with sometimes. it was cold today and i like the cold. it also snowed today. i like the snow. it also rained. i like the rain. it was dark cold rainy and snowy. that is a good non-ending place.

sporadic fun times with you and your mind and a piece of imaginary paper

random thoughts on a firday afternoon.

i think i have a new hero. i like meeting people that are heroic. that have done things their way and made a lifetime of stories. its just refreshing to encounter these people.

i saw a drawing today. it was a family kinda like mine. 3 kids. two parents. there were two boys and one girl. but in this drawing the girl was the oldest and there were two little boys running around. i have never thought about what it would have been like if me and my brother were the younger ones... would it have been fun?

i realize that my mind changes so much. but there are a few threads in the clothes that i wear that never change. i will always like earth tones. and i will always want to live the way that i picture life in my head. in the end. i just want to be able to write a book about my life that i would be willing to read eight times. if it is good enough to read eight times, i think ill be content and ready for my next life as a frog.

on fridays what are fun things to do? when i was little i think it was a time to eat out. watch movies. not sleep at eight o' clock. maybe play games. prolly bother my sister and brother until i got in trouble or they were so mad that i started to feel bad. at one point it was float night at the local swimming pool. with dairy queen to follow. it was going to cold beaches at night at another point. it was meeting too many people i didnt want to meet or really want to be friends with. now its just the day that seems peaceful and restless. as much as i love my fridays i resent them. fridays that involve singing are the best. actually singing is the best. i wish i was good at it.

a short story about a rock

one day i was walking along a rocky beach. i had no shoes on.i enjoyed feeling the rocks under my feet. i scanned the beach for the perfect rock. i would stop and pick up many, but none would be the perfect rock. some would fit nicely in my hand. some looked nice. some smelled good. some tasted nice. but none were perfect. 

i think sometimes rocks find their owners. 

i think sometimes i need to walk on that rocky beach for a long time. maybe a lifetime of endless walking and searching will lead me to perfection in a rock. finding perfection is something that i can not give up on. i won't sit still. i have to find the truth and the perfection. if there is a perfect rock, i will find it. i have to find it. and i have to eat it.