Friday, November 14, 2014

Worst feeling

You know what is a horrible feeling... the feels that you get when you leave a place and wonderful people that you know you may never get to see again.

I have had a fair number of the goodbyes in my life. Living in a few countries, city's, towns, etc in the short time that i have bee walking this earth. And they are not that bad, because usually I am saying goodbye to friends who I know I will see again; who i know i will keep in contact with all the time.

This is my first goodbye in the office. I feel so so sad. I am saying goodbye to some amazing people who i have shared so many moments with. Who have taught me so much. and its strange because we have been through so much. It is just that they dont know the details. they know when im down and pick me up - we just dont talk the details. i know when they are down and I try my best to be there. I just dont know the details. and so its so so strange to say goodbye. because we are so close yet so far. they have held me and i have held them we just don't know for what reason we held each others hand. and i am so sad to be leaving these great moments behind and these great people. I know I will see some of them again. but some of them i will only speak to once in a while. and some i may never see again.

today is a sad day and it made me understand the complexity of relationships. everyone is great and i know to cherish them all. but this time i just feel empty because i cant even explain why i wont see them again. it just is this way. the relationship was based on these premises. and sure, i will see some of them again because we broke the premise and became real friends. but real means nothing in terms of goodness. because the real friends are just as important as the coworker friendship. i just wont see the coworker again and this is sad.

and so this is goodbye to the north east and to the previously untraveled land. i have enjoyed it so much and it has given me so much. and i will forever be changed by the memories here. i feel like i am leaving so much untapped and that i will miss so much of this land.

There is really nothing to say except endless thankfulness for the experiences and memories.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


its 8.26.2014 i like to write dates with periods but i don't think its very excepted.

i also have not written an entry for a long time.

a lot has also gone on in my life since last time i wrote.

i also spend less time on computers since last time i wrote. not more studying for the exam.

as potentially the last exam of my life is over, i am sad and happy. i want to borrow something that many people i like have said, or stated similarly. everyday, we are in a classroom. dont sit still. dont stop learning. funny story, in undergrad, in one of the capstone courses, we wrote a paper about all we had learned, kind of a reflective piece. And although, when i write, i may come across more sensitive and sentimental, in real life i dont think i portray that image. I think i come across more focused and "calm yet intense" (that is what my boss tells me at least). anyways back to the story, so the last sentence of my essay stated "and I will never stop learning". My closest friend in the class blew up laughing and the class followed. The thing was, I was 100% serious.

so what i really wanted to write about was this thought i had after reading something somewhere. this thought really started last friday when a coworker made fun of me because i always say "it is what it is".

So... we live in this world where our friends, humans, have spent their entire existence to come up with truths or rules. we come up with rules that seem to work and than someone smarter with more resources comes up with a counter. and offers a new solution. everything was groundbreaking once. perhaps the only thing that hasnt been fully countered are spiritual things. and thats another conversation. so... we live in this place where the sky is our roof, the ground is earth, there is gravity, there is a sun and a moon, we think its normal to like the opposite sex, but there are lines and some are the middlesex, we think substances that change our state of mind are bad, we hold morals that work in our ideals, there is a type of equality. BUT we just have all these rules and they are always changing and sometimes wrong. one of the things i hate more than anything else is to believe in something so much and so passionately live that idea, only to learn it was wrong. that is the worst feeling i have experienced so far in life. and here i am always saying things like "it is what it is". well maybe its not. and maybe it shouldnt be. we are so caught up in our little earth, living in this construct, like we think its real.

when i was young, my two passions were rocks and space. rocks were easier, so i liked to play with them and could easily find them. space, well that was a little to abstract. i could only read so much, and well physics and math were a little beyond me. but rocks told about our history and were old. it always amazed me that rocks were so old and yet i could hold them and make up stories about how they got here what they were who touched them and so on. they were my stories. space made me feel small and i wanted to know all about it. well now we know there is so much more than our solar system, our earth, and so on. now i feel smaller. now i wonder just how important our little rules are. we are so stuck on our earth and our rules, will we ever really get to see what else is out there?

lets break all the rules.


Saturday, January 25, 2014


so i have written about interviews and my love for them many times before. i wish i got to be interviewed. i want to interview my friends. it has some amazing way of letting people talk about how they really feel without feeling like a complete looser. like in normal life you can just be like yo im really feeling down about this but you know what has really helped me get through it is dot dot dot. like we can't do that. and i think its beneficial to say it and to hear it. we are so used to being these rocks of people who struggle and continue to win through our will and our self made remedies to solve the problems in our own lives. and we are all different and great. and sometimes we need to tell someone about it. sometimes we need to listen to someone tell us about it.

when u read or listen to watch an interview you get to observe people who have been successful in their fields talk about themselves and what helps them and what makes them and where they came from and how they view things. you get to have a brief moment where you can enter their heads. see what they think see how they feel and how they have made it. it could be some writer of non fiction. some scientist. some actor/actress. some artist. some music maker. some athlete. its just amazing how they are and what they have done to get where they are. we are all trying to get somewhere. and if i have learned anything from interviews it is that we dont get there alone. it is the people we encounter along the way that help us. learning from those around us is an amazing thing.

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the picture above is the view i have gotten to enjoy while going to a client i have been assigned to over the last few weeks. there is greatness is driving in new directions, waking up at different times. seeing new things. cant get enough of it. the view every morning for the last few weeks has made me happy. its more vibrant in real life. its more real. its hot steam entering the world i wake up to. the zero degree cold and dry. the sun. the ice which lines the sidewalks. its real.

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i ate breakfast this morning. and as i was drinking my coffee i turned on the tv and watched a few min's of the kitchen. its one of the few times i watch tv during the week. weekend mornings while eating food. there is this show called The Kitchen on the food network. at first i was kinda neutral to it. it wasnt bad wasnt good just kinda something to watch while i ate. but i really like geoffrey zakarian so that made it good. and than i realized that this show is pretty fun. like i want to have it in my own life. like have a few good friends over. each person make something. eat all day long. play games and chat while ppl are in the kitchen. would be pretty fun way to spend a day. that go me thinking how i become this person. i would have never had that thought 3 years ago. how your mind changes and how you start to feel different and what you would rather do. it changes. and its strange because you have these thoughts and they all seem so good and real. and than you are shocked that you just had that thought. because it appeared out of nowhere. and things that you thought you were you might not be. or its changing. and your happy about that. but just in shock that things are changing. i am changing. and that is odd. someone come interview me so i can tell you about it.

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okay one more morning thought. i am an inoj. always have been. and i don't really see that changing. im quite happy living in my bubble being alone a lot and being judgmental. being pretty antisocial. of course i can be outgoing at times. but kinda like to being pretty introverted. and i respect other introverts more so than say the super extrovert. but than there are some extroverts that i am so jealous of sometimes. like they can just talk so candidly about themselves and say the dumbest stuff and sound cool about it. like laugh super loud. slapstick humor ready. but still come off as sensitive and smart. they are kings. sometimes.... just sometimes i wish i was extroverted like that. its rare to see in a person but some people can do it. it has a lot with why i dont really watch the blockbuster hit comedy films much. some of the rare times i find myself left out of a joke is when ppl start quoting lines from these movies. everyone is shocked that i havent seen "that" movie. iunno i just am not a fan. ill watch them. i will laugh. i will enjoy the moment. and i won't think it was a waste of time. but i would never seek out watching them. there is so many other films i would rather watch.

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