Saturday, December 31, 2011

so this is the last day of this year

Two Thousand and Eleven,

this is the first time i have wrote your name correctly. I am sorry for not treating you better. Your life has given me so much. your year will most likely go down in ryan history as one of the most pivotal years in my life. 

so many new things. so many fun times. so many hard times. the threat of real loss. watching some of my best friends making the ultimate vow. moving to a new place. thinking new thoughts. making new friends. making bad choices. making good choices. wanting to learn more. I think one thing i learned this year is how important family is, what family means, and the complexities of families. I guess i learn something new about what a family is every year. but this year i think i have somehow come to a new appreciation for the idea of a family and everything that it is. all the fear that comes with starting one. all the compromise that is laced within one. all the hidden sacrifices that are made. all the understanding that is present. and yet with all the complexities, with all the craziness, and with all the details, somehow balance and unity is upheld. 

one more year is coming to an end. friends are more important then ever before. i am at the cusp of making some big choices. i have a lot on my plate. i need to deal with the stress of my mind better. i need to continue to strive for the right path and the right ideas. i just hope i can sort out what right is. my wish for the next year is understanding. i want to open my mind and understand all that i encounter. i want to understand my school work well. i want to understand the people i love and care about better. i want to understand strangers. i want to hate no one. i want complete understanding. i think with understanding we can win a lot of battles. i like to win battles. and i will strive to win the battles of the next year with understanding. 

i will see you next year. special ramblings you are endlessly therapeutic and endlessly great. 

Monday, December 26, 2011

i guess somethings don't seem right or fair

i came home pretty happy and feeling pretty lucky to be happy about returning to my home. i wrote about not knowing what home was or what it meant or what i thought home should mean. but i feel so lucky to  have a home to be going home to and having happy thoughts about that home. no mater how tainted those thoughts are or how tangled things might be at times; its home and i like home.

on the flight home, i was surrounded by babies. so many babies. a baby behind me kicking my seat. one in front eating some cool organic baby food. and one to my side who was not born the same as the other two. i realized that life is real hard and not predictable. parents want to be the best they can be. naturally we cant be the best. sometimes life is just not fair. sometimes we encounter not fun things. i hate not knowing what to say. i feel like i have been so lucky to not have run into many hard times. i mean of course there has been those not so fun moments in time. but overall, i feel lucky.

but i know a lot of people dealing with hard times. people i love dearly. people who would give anything for me. and they are suffering. and i dont like to see it. and i dont want to see it. and i dont know what to say. i dont know how i would deal with it. and i dont want to pretend to know that i would know what it feels like. or how i would even begin to look at the things they face.

as time consumes my life. as it runs its course and as it takes me from place to place. as life passes me by.

i just try to continue to find the good things. as much as things that i know and witness make me scared of this world. and make me scared of living more. i find the things that make me endlessly hopeful. the iconic scene in my head is the father tying his daughters shoe lace in a parking lot. i dont know why this is so vivid in my mind, but its just that one image that has burned itself in my mind, just as the perfect picture is burned onto the paper in the dark room. that one moment in time that seems like pure bliss. i want that moment to happen to me someday.

today my little 7 year old cousin tied my jacket together. and it was like the reverse of this feeling. i am just happy that i can live with endless hope for moments in time that i will really feel happy. that i will see the hope. the light. and the meaning.

Monday, December 19, 2011

home, treehouses, and, houses

im not sure when home becomes not home or what makes home, home. but home is and can only be one place. when i have a home of my own, when i go home will i still call it home? not to sure, but it will be exciting when i get to the point in my life when i encounter that predicament. when will this boy call a new place home. and will it happen?

anyways. i have been trying to think about what i want to do first. you know when you have been away from home for a while... and you just have that desire to do SOMETHING important. some eat at their favorite spot. some might go to their shoe boxes. some might jump on their bed covered in 38 pillows (most of which would have been stolen by little sisters and pillow monster parents). some might go to their book shelves. when i was little it would be go to my bathroom, because i hate all bathrooms but the one that i have been in the most. im still not sure what i want to do, but when i figure it out, ill let myself enjoy it.

what might you do if you were me?

Monday, December 12, 2011

energy, rain, and eye rain.

I once heard from someone that there is an energy running through them. "There is like this energy running through me. It's not really a part of me, it's just an energy that runs through me."

The energy might be running through us. it might be independent of us. it might be important to us. i might just be that. energy. whatever it is, it would be pretty nice if there was this energy. i do like energy.

energy creates emotions. not necessary the emotions you felt when you woke up. or the emotions you will fell the next time u smile. sometimes they are emotions that you felt years ago. emotions are somehow captured inside of us. they sit in this secret cabinet deep within the maze that we create with our hearts. some of us hide these capsules deep within in our brains behind doors with different shaped keys that we hide from ourselves with walls and mazes. yet, somehow we can revisit these emotions when we encounter the same energy that was used to create those emotions. its just a mater of time before the energy reaches us again and fills us up.

i had this idea to use test tubes and capture rain. i wanted to capture all the rain that i encountered. i was going to capture all those rainy days and label the tubes so i could remember all the rainy days later in the future and then know what it was like to be in those rainy days of fun. i also wanted to give some tubes to my favorite people. I wanted them to capture the rain they encountered, in hopes that i could experience that rain through them. i still have the test tubes in a box in my room at my parents house in one of the best cities of all time.

when i have kids. if i have kids. i am going to capture their tears in test tubes and save them for them. i will date each tube and create a database corresponding to the tears. i think rain is important. i also think eye rain is important. i also like energy.

Saturday, December 3, 2011


i kinda just want to float around for a while. just float. i dont want to think to much about a year from now. i want to think a little bit more about a week from now. and just a little bit more then a week, i want to think about tomorrow. i want to think less of yesterday. and even less of two days ago. i guess 20 years ago would be okay to think about. i want to feel engaged. motivated. i want to get lost in the things i do daily. but without the care about what that might lead to in seven weeks, or in seven years.

can i be a happy floating along in a world of fun?