Tuesday, December 25, 2012

reflecting is writing

whenever i have these thoughts of reflect, of looking back on the past, all i can think about is how i can write them. although it may be nice, and may not be nice, if a knew a lot of people read these thoughts, but i know that very very few do. its more of a thing that i do for myself. a reflection that i jot down so i can remember and so that i can share with the people i love the most someday when i love those people enough to want to share what was my past and my past reflections. something that someone once said, a person i respect greatly, said that we never grow up. that we are always growing and the problems of today are always more difficult than the ones from yesterday. even as some of us become parents and even though we think being "grown up" is easy and somehow the teenage angst goes away, i think the growing up angst is stronger, and im scared to think about it, but i bet the parent angst is even stronger.

so what is going on with my head what are the thoughts that i have been needing to write down. the first is something i jotted down in my notepad a while back. its the idea that being in control is lame. its the idea that if we are in control that we know what we are doing that something good happens. that is a lame thought. knowing what we are doing is something i only want when i am 1 hour away from death. maybe even one minute away. with the thought that i know what i am doing i will have no reason to reach for more no reason to keep going no reason to want more. and that is lame, if lame is something that is real.

the next thought i have been really thinking about on the late is the strange something that makes humans, us, think that others are somehow less complicated than we are, I are. I know im crazy and my mind goes places that it should not and maybe a place yours does not. but somehow through this i think that somehow i am going through more than you. and that is silly. you are just as complex and your mind is going places that i can not understand and places i can not comprehend. yet my brain tells me that i am the only one. that i went to places you have not, which is true, but just because i went somewhere you did not go, doesnt mean that you didnt go to a place i have no been. you might laugh but cry inside. you might cry. you might want to cry but cant. i cant know. and that is something that something inside of me tells me that you dont know. but if i take a step back i know that you must have been there. must have been places i have no been. so why is it that we think we are the only ones. we always place us in places that we have only been, thinking that we are the only ones. i know, and know maybe too well, that it is easy to make the world, me against the world. i just am at a stage in life where this is so strange. maybe going along with my last offering, i just dont understand why humans have a hard time understanding. its something that should be natural. yet it is something that is not natural, or at the least, in places it is something that seems unnatural. something we dont want to do. i want to do it. i just wish it was easier sometimes.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

conflicts and forgiveness

i think we all run into a lot of conflicts as we walk and run. some conflicts are natural some are nice some are motivating some might make us break down some might make us throw things or tear apart things. some conflicts have no answer and are endless. some are easily solved through compromise and sacrifice. conflicts seem to make choices for me. 

sometimes i want something so very bad, but i can't have it. it can't be that way. and i know that i can't solve the conflict now. but that doesn't mean that i don't think time will mend it and a sort of pathway will slowly appear. in hopes that someday the conflict might dissipate. 

conflicts sometimes need forgiveness. while conflicts sometimes have no answers or seemingly so, forgiveness is easy. its a choice. i can forgive my sister for anything. but i don't know if i can forgive you for anything. but i can. 

forgivness can solve so many conflicts and its almost too easy. peace of mind can be obtained. it can even be given. 

just two words that seem to be swarming around in my pea brain for a while.

~ ~ ~

on another note. the coastal skies are too good. morning sun on morning water with morning skies. night time clouds and colors with night time water and an almost angry and hopeful tint. something about being on the water is different. and than there is the forest sky. middle of the forest with black clear skies and perfect stars. i always thought i wanted to be a city kid. i am thinking i am more of a country kid. maybe both at some point. i like morning drives. i like night time drives. i like the city sometimes. but i like being away from it too. i can feel myself pulling away from some of the things i wanted to be or thought i wanted to be or things someone told me i should be or something that some voice told me i should be. i am not sure if this transition is a better me or a fake me. i could have it all wrong. which is usually the case when it comes to directions. i am always lost. but i think i know where im going. which is the good part... right? 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

october sky, the smell of october, and the taste of the fall rain

so it is october. its been a while... i havent written in this place in a while. i guess i tend to neglect the important parts of my live when im moving fast and running faster. the last little bit of time has been a journey. i feel different and my thoughts are starting to change. but somethings are always the same. they way that i brush my teeth has changed, due to this new electronic one. its amazing. i like it. funny how i never wanted to invest in one, and now im pretty sad that i waited so long.

i found out i really like to cook for people. its kinda funny how much happiness it brings to me. i am no master. and i dont really know much, but i do enjoy it a lot. although i pretty much have zero desire to ever work in a restaurant or own one. i just want to be a nice home cook. make nice meals for people i like. i like to have dinner parties. if you would like me to cook for you, ill make you something, just let me know.

i need to take a few steps back and get back to some basics. i can feel myself tying to run fast enough to fly and i can't fly too well so i want to ease off just a bit.

i started to play tennis a lot again and that is real real nice. im happy to be doing that. it clears my head and teaches me to be strong and amazing.

i am really not sure what is next what i should be thinking, what i want to be thinking. but i wanted to let some of the crazyness in my mind out. sometimes if i dont write for too long all the crazy just builds up and hides in my head. and that is when i know im in trouble. when it stops trying to get out. then i know. its starting to hide and i might not be able to find it again. and then i would really go crazy. and i dont really want to be crazy. i just want to be sometimes crazy. or a little bit crazy.

i really like long drives in the morning. sometimes it can get to be a lot. but i think i like a decent drive in the morning. when i work like 5-10 min from home, i just dont like the feeling. i need that morning drive and singing session to get me ready for the days work. tomorrow i get to drive to the cape. and although it might be a bit far, im looking forward to it. it's supposed to be nice, and fall is here, so im pretty excited to see all the nice cars on the road and colors of trees and follow the colors of the wind down to a place i have never been before.

i am starting to like fish more. pretty strange. but i guess its good. i just dont like the smell that much. fish is like a new adventure of cooking.

i wonder what truth looks like...

Monday, July 9, 2012

fresh feeling

I am not sure what I am doing or what i will be doing but things are starting to change. i am starting a new journey in a new land and getting some of my home back. i will be moving into a place that i can start to call home. i have a nice bubble to drive around in again. i miss driving and i love driving. although i am only good at getting lost, i am lucky enough to rely on special devices to help me get to those hard to find locations where i need to perform work and make money to pay for my personal bubble and home.

the special experiment that lasted 2 years has come to an end. a time capsule project. a cool person i met 2 years ago and I wrote a letter to each other after 2 encounters about whatever it was that was on our minds and relating to each other and our perception of the other. untouched it sat for 2 years deep in the proverbial ground under trees and waterfalls; gmail. at least it starts with a g. its pretty funny to read what i wrote. i was so much more arrogant back then. if you can imagine that. i mean sometimes i wonder how i have more then 1 friend with that amount of arrogance i have. i am not sure i would be my friend. anyways it was a great project, and i would recommend it if you ever meet a cool person.

nausea is such a crazy feeling. its so crazy. crazy is good right? good is not bad right? i am good at telling myself what is good yeahhhh?

good night friends.

Friday, May 18, 2012

memories of emotions

Who are you influenced by?


Artists of course, and if you want names, I would say Rockwell, Wyeth, Remington, Renoir, Rembrandt, Tadahiro Ueusugi, Kiraz, just to name a few, but I'm mostly influenced by everyday events. By the people that are around me, such as my wife and my daughter, my friends and coworkers, the barista at the coffee shop, and the cashier at the grocery store.

What is your inspiration?

In everyday life. In my daughter, my wife, my friends, my work. Sometimes I’ll be biking down the street and see something that I like and it will wind up in the next sketch. Sometimes it’s being at the supermarket or giving a bath to my daughter and she looks at me and smiles. It lasts for a second, but the memory of it stays with me for a long time. These are the things that interest me the most.

i have this obsession with interviews. I read them over and over again. i watch them over and over again. all my favorite people. from the people who play tennis well, to the art that i enjoy, to the writers that keep me living, to the academics who have the best minds, to the musicians who help me sing well and dance better. interviews are so interesting. i have always liked to write, i am not good enough nor do i try hard enough to have dreams of writing a book or anything like that. but something i have always kind of wanted to do is write an autobiography. not to sell, because i hope no one would want to buy it. but just something that my kids could read, or maybe close friends. i think people have such different and interesting perspectives on what goes on around them. 

the above comes from interviews of a guy that i have recently really enjoyed. his art is very emotional and story telling and i like that. i really liked his work and couldn't really figure out what it was that drew me to liking it so much. but when i started to read his interviews and what not, i think i figured it out. he seems to be really taken back by random people in our daily lives, people that we might only encounter once, but that leave some kind of lasting memory or emotion. simple stuff like a smile or laugh. its strange the memories that imprint themselves on our minds. real things of value. value is nice.  

Thursday, May 17, 2012


the seasons seem to be changing again. the humidity is coming out the heat is going to come along soon as well. it reminds me of other times. no mater how much i hate the heat and  humidity, it reminds me of some good times. and i think i can learn to like it. maybe. i used to hate warm rain too, but now i like it. not as much as cold rain, but warm rain is completely different and nice too.

normally i make those big shifts in the winter. i have always made the largest biggest and scariest choices in the winter. but i think this year its going to be the summer. i can feel a real shift coming along and for once it might be in the warm times. it might be a little scary though, i mean i hate the heat and i want to make a big time choices in the times i love deeply and endlessly. seems dumb. but dumb things are always good things. without being a little dumb, i would be pretty boring. maybe i am already boring, but i might be more boring. who knows maybe i will start to enjoy heat and sweating. i guess i do like sweating, just not when im not supposed to be sweating. if we are ever not supposed or supposed to be doing anything. i dont think i am very certain about what we are supposed to or supposed to not be doing. and if it is really that important. sometimes its strange that i have these feelings of what i am supposed to be doing. someday i hope to do the things that i want to do. not sure what those things are yet, but it might involve sweating a lot. and maybe not. i kinda like it when sweat stings my eye balls. i also like when sweat dries with salt everywhere. it reminds me of the great salt lake where salt is dried everywhere. i like when water dries and leaves marks of something. not sure why but its kinda nice. although im sure that that is also supposed to be gross. im just trying to transition into what i want to be and transition away from what im supposed to be.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

who do you enjoy talking to?

for me... i think i do the best talking with myself. i am too stubborn to listen to others advice. so i enjoy listening to myself, because if i follow my own advice i can still be stubborn. its like i didnt lose.

its kinda funny, because i enjoy listing to others. and a few people enjoy talking to me. i think some people find it easy to tel me things? maybe not... but there are a few kids who like talking to me. i like trying to listen and doing my best doing that. i kinda realize that i have a hard time telling others things. kinda strange. some things are so easy to share, while other things are so hard. i guess it should be like that for everyone.

Monday, April 30, 2012

i guess what i am trying to say is that i will always be a child who is nervous and fit for fear

sometimes i wonder about fear. some people say that fear is failure. some people say fear motivates them. some people say fear is only for children. RZA says in his book tao of the wu that enlightened men do not fear. i guess i dont want to be enlightened. i think fear can be silly at times. but i cant deny the power of fear. depending on where you stand, fear can be perceived differently. my biggest fear as a child were silly things. like a man entering from my window and taking me away. i would think happy thoughts to fight off the bad ones. i also had a stage where i feared that we were like ants to something else. the way that i could play with ants, i thought maybe someone else could play with me. that was scary. i remember one of my childhood friends was most scared of an armageddon like event.

today i think i am most scared of being content. i dont want to reach the end of the tunnel. its all in the chase. i dont want to feel comfortable. i want to always feel like im falling like i need to grab something like i need to reach higher like i need to run faster like i need to yell louder like i need more. i dont want to sit still for too long. i dont want it to always be noisy. i want silence. but i want confusion. i want new experiences. i want to constantly change.

i guess what i am trying to say is that i will always be a child who is nervous and fit for fear.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

a short story about dreams and fun

there was once a girl named cloud. she seemed to understand how everything worked. she seemed to understand what the past was supposed to mean and what today meant and what tomorrow was going to mean. she liked enjoying nice things and simple things. she could laugh nicely and softly. she could also cry softly and quietly. she wrote beautifully. she had an eye for the world and she loved. she understood that her heart could never be full, so she lived to always fill it with more. she was not sure what she ultimately wanted to accomplish, but she was always running or walking or walking quickly through the journey. always slowing or stopping to find the importance.she found laughter in the strangest places, she found beauty in hidden lands, she found tears in all that mattered. she understood everything and nothing. she was spontaneous. she painted thoughts. she liked rocks.

Monday, April 9, 2012

i figured out what i want to be...

i want to be a rock star.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


looks like spring might be near. we saw a small tint of the heat a few weeks back. we are back to the blissful cold weather that i adore. today is my early day where i get to wake up early and walk around outside when the sun is shinning from the other side. or not shinning through. today was a nice day. wet ground, cold air, seeing your breath, nice smell, and it reminded me of home. funny how smell can do that sometimes. i can smell home sometimes. when i see my little sisters dog's hair on things of mine, i also feel at home. strange how dog hair can some how find its way into my things so much later. how did it get here?

funny how much having an older brother and a younger sister shapes things. you are always worried about the little one. always wanting to give the right advice. but knowing how sometimes being a younger one receiving help or support... advice is that last thing you want. trying to balance being a nice older brother and being a reasonable one. only wanting that little one to find things to get excited about. only wanting them to be passionate about something they like and then following that. and then having an older figure. always being the younger one following along or trying to. worried about stepping on their shoes. worried about how heavy it might be at the top. lucky for me he is stronger then me. i have always let him carry the heavy things. my words can be too heavy at times though. such a bad habit that is. dangerous words.

i hate the summer. not really looking forward to it. the heat. the sweat. the best part of summer is the outdoors. i guess i will have to add that back into my life. right now i feel like i just sit in chairs. different ones, but non the less chairs. i like chairs. i also like sitting and doing things. but sometimes breaking up the time is good. i wanna run around.my dreams are haunting my thoughts lately. i dont like when thoughts haunt me. when i cant get things out of my head. i want to make them leave me alone sometimes. i want to convince them to leave me in my chair. because my chair is nice. but they dont like my chair. they want me to walk, run, or sit in a different chair. but i told them i dont want to. but they said i should. should i?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

something i don't agree with

amongst the endless quotes that float around in the world and in my head, most of the ones i remember are ones i like or find meaning in. a few writings back i mentioned liking people that have a lifetime of stories. one thing that i feel like some people believe in is the idea that we should live to xxxxxxx. live to eat. live to write. live to have fun. it goes on and on. i dont want to live to do something. and i dont want to live to make a great story. living to do something is like admitting to being a part of this system that tells us that we should do certain things and should not do other things. living to do something is admitting to losing meaning in some things to get other things. i would like to think that everything we do has some piece of meaning and that meaning can be defined by ourselves. like dancing naked after a shower. enjoy that moment that no one will ever witness, nor should they ever witness. not because it might be a funny story to tell someday or because dancing might be an enabler for another thing, but because it just something that u do. i dont want to do that in order to get there. i want to search for truths and meanings within every little facet in my own life. and although each individual moment in my life is a part of my whole, i dont want to make them so interconnected that i have to distribute meaning and value to each individual part. if i had to make a live life to quote what would it be....

live life to run away from everyone and everything and never ever sit still and keep running until there is no more running left in the world and then fly and fly away from all meanings and things and then sail to find the truths that are perfect and endless and impossible to understand without just understanding.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

the fun farm

A lot of people have dreams about life after the life where they make money. its like that idea of the second life. like first i will live a life where i will make money because money is important. and after i make some money i will do what i really want to do. for a lot of men or boys its a pub. for girls it might be a bakery or a cookie shop. for a lot it might be a restaurant as well. if you let the suit life affect you too much u might end up wanting a wine bar or something nice like that.

without having to talk about the part where we think we need two lives. because that i could ramble on about for seven lives. 

i want to have a farm. i guess i would want a farm right now too. but i am part of this system that says i have to give the fake world a go. i have to use all these fake skills i have been paying too much money to learn about. i have to prove to myself that i can make it in the fake world. i have to wear nice skull socks under my nice suit. maybe i will try to do some good things in the fake world too. i am not sure yet. maybe i will become a part of the fake world. 

but after that, if i make it. i want to recruit a bunch of my fake world real friends and start a farm. we would all go on an adventure and buy some real boots made from real things. we would get some real jeans. and we would build a farm. we might even be able to infuse some fake world skills into real world farming. how fun would it be to live on a farm with all your best friends and their wives and husbands. we could play games. we could pet our cows and pigs. we could raise our children on the prairie and in the valleys. farming seems like fun times and fun times seem like fun. i like fun times. i also usually like fun. and fun times. 

Monday, March 12, 2012


eating is such a strange thing.

what do you do with things you like? maybe it is more natural then strange when we are young, and that at some point it becomes strange. when u see little kids eat things on the ground. putting everything they seem to enjoy in their mouth. maybe that is natural. we put what we like in our mouth to taste it and enjoy it and make it enter our bodies. but then at some point in time, we start to put things we like on shelves. we look at them. we might think about them. we might play with them. they might go in boxes and stay put away in barns in our backyards. or things that look like barns. as we get older, eating changes somehow. some of us become a word that i hate "foodies". if we have money we might spend time in nice restaurants. if we are too cool for that we might travel to hole in the wall places that we can lie to ourselves and call our special place or a cooler place because we are cooler then you. many people battle with eating issues. some of us claim to work out to eat. some of us eat to survive. no mater what food turns into for us as we age, it is not the same as the slightly stranger or maybe slightly more normal idea that we put things we like in our mouths. some people might face stranger or normaler ways of not eating animals or not eating unnatural things. some people might chose not to eat. i remember when i was old enough to know what dirty meant, i would still have the urge to put things i like in my mouth. sometimes i would do it knowing it was gross. some adults or at least older people still put things in their mouths. like tennis trophies. i like that. if i won a big tennis trophy that meant a lot i would want to put it in my stomach. or at least taste it. some people find comfort in cooking. some people find enjoyment in creating food for others. some people just love to eat nice food with nice people. some people lack taste buds or good ones and that might be sad or not sad. some food costs more. sometimes dirty foods taste nice. some people thing other peoples food is strange. what do you do with things you enjoy and like? i think i will try putting more things i like in my mouth again. i like rocks. maybe i should eat some. maybe that is why there is rock candy. for people who like rocks and therefore want to eat rocks. but dont want to die.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


the places we end up in are unpredictable and great. somehow things end up right. they don't always. but that is the only way i can get from the places i have been to where i am now. and i can only hope that the places i will go are right and nice. when they are wrong then can we fix them? i am not sure about the answer to that question. but i do know that some things are not fixable. some things have no reason.some things are ending. we cant take back an end. it is the end. we can't fix the end. so the only thing i can really want is to go somewhere that doesnt end yet. and when the end comes i hope that all the non-end places i have been are good and nice. if all the non-ending places are good and nice then the ending place will be good and nice. i think. or at least most of the non-ending places are nice? at least half? one third? how about one? i am going to go with sometimes. it was cold today and i like the cold. it also snowed today. i like the snow. it also rained. i like the rain. it was dark cold rainy and snowy. that is a good non-ending place.

Friday, February 17, 2012

sporadic fun times with you and your mind and a piece of imaginary paper

random thoughts on a firday afternoon.

i think i have a new hero. i like meeting people that are heroic. that have done things their way and made a lifetime of stories. its just refreshing to encounter these people.

i saw a drawing today. it was a family kinda like mine. 3 kids. two parents. there were two boys and one girl. but in this drawing the girl was the oldest and there were two little boys running around. i have never thought about what it would have been like if me and my brother were the younger ones... would it have been fun?

i realize that my mind changes so much. but there are a few threads in the clothes that i wear that never change. i will always like earth tones. and i will always want to live the way that i picture life in my head. in the end. i just want to be able to write a book about my life that i would be willing to read eight times. if it is good enough to read eight times, i think ill be content and ready for my next life as a frog.

on fridays what are fun things to do? when i was little i think it was a time to eat out. watch movies. not sleep at eight o' clock. maybe play games. prolly bother my sister and brother until i got in trouble or they were so mad that i started to feel bad. at one point it was float night at the local swimming pool. with dairy queen to follow. it was going to cold beaches at night at another point. it was meeting too many people i didnt want to meet or really want to be friends with. now its just the day that seems peaceful and restless. as much as i love my fridays i resent them. fridays that involve singing are the best. actually singing is the best. i wish i was good at it.

Monday, February 6, 2012

a short story about a rock

one day i was walking along a rocky beach. i had no shoes on.i enjoyed feeling the rocks under my feet. i scanned the beach for the perfect rock. i would stop and pick up many, but none would be the perfect rock. some would fit nicely in my hand. some looked nice. some smelled good. some tasted nice. but none were perfect. 

i think sometimes rocks find their owners. 

i think sometimes i need to walk on that rocky beach for a long time. maybe a lifetime of endless walking and searching will lead me to perfection in a rock. finding perfection is something that i can not give up on. i won't sit still. i have to find the truth and the perfection. if there is a perfect rock, i will find it. i have to find it. and i have to eat it. 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

thinking big

so we are this generation of younger people. each generation faces problems. and each generation adds something. slowly or maybe quickly generations are working together across the world to add value to the world which we tend to like living in. just looking at our generation and how we can help america, i wonder what choices will make this place better. we are the most diverse generation yet. we have the best technology available to us. god-like technology in fact. it has been pointed out to me that our generation has this godlike technology but old silly thoughts. i guess that gap is something that has always existed though.

i have always been one of those kids that didnt think he could make a difference. the one that didnt need to play with politics. that kid that hated watching the news because it only made his mother and his grandmother worry endlessly. now somehow i have transformed into someone who finds himself wanting to know more and more about the world he has been desperately trying to ignore. the people who write the books that i enjoy reading are telling me that my generation needs to go back to some basics and read more. we need to gain more understanding about the world we are living in. and we need to show more compassion and we need to be nice. if we could all just be a bit nicer and smarter we might have a better america. i want a better america. i hope our generation shines through and does some wonderful things. wonderful things are nice and sound lovely.

im kinda sick. and my hands might be shaking a little bit. im not sure how my head is working. but these are the words that fell out of my head on this night. this is a picture that was taken some summers ago. a smart little girl collected some objects from the beach and made an upside down word that might be important.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

important times

i wanted to write about something serious. and i started to do that. i got pretty far. but it wasn't that fun. so instead i will write about when i used to stay awake dreaming about the things i loved. 

when i was scared in bed as most little children are at some point in time, i would think about going to a seattle mariners game. i would think about being next to my father. i would be eating peanuts. i would watch in awe as Griffey took the field. and i would be happy and dream about the next time i would be able to go to a game. 

when i wasn't scared. i would dream about soccer. i would play the whole game out in my head. i would dream about what i wanted to improve in. i would think about how i would be a better player. i would visualize it in my mind over and over again.and it was these thoughts that kept me awake deep into the night. after soccer there was tennis. i would do the same thing. i got better at both things. i also lost a lot of sleep thinking about getting better at these things. as with all things we want to be good at, i would have hard times. i would fail sometimes. and i would have to try harder. staying awake thinking about the things that i wanted to be better at lasted until some point in high school. although i can not recall the exact point in time when i stopped, this sensation has been missing for sometime. of course there were distractions. sometimes you would stay up thinking about a girl you were crushing on. or maybe a kid you wanted to beat up. or maybe about a weekend trip that was going to be fun. but life came down to getting better at the things i wanted to be good at. 

now it seems that the things that keep me up at night could possibly worse then the things i was scared of when i was a kid. i wish all i had to worry about was the boogie man entering from my window and eating my brain. now i have moved on to scarier times. i worry that i will eat my own brain and that is far more scary you see. if you have some time come read me a richard scarry book. i think that would help.  

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

on the refrigerator

there is a magnet that says

"do one thing everyday that scares you"

a nice lady once said this.

what will I do today that scares me?

and you?