Friday, December 19, 2008

number three

“It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation”

So, I sit here this evening looking on to the view of whiteness, cleanliness, and snow. A sight not so common in the seattle eyes, sure back in Colorado it was a little more realistic. So, I get to encounter the drivers of seattle, who take there SUV's out thinking it's a 4x4 when its not. Cars stopping at the top of hills only to side backwards helplessly as they merc parked cars. Metros nearly falling off overpasses and metros reaming cars in downtown.

It's a new reality to many of the seattlelites. This doesn't always happen, it hardly happens, and many don't really know what is going on.

Do I really know whats going on though? I mean sure I was fine driving in the snow with my jeep. I got to mess around and have some fun. But what does that mean anyways? What sorts of reality do I live in, what kinds of realities have I never explored, or ever will explore. New perspectives are always important. I could leave this snow covered chaotic seattle today, arrive in some place half way across the world to a beautiful sunny morning, in a culture that is on the brink of anarchy. What would that say to my sense of reality? That would shake me up a bit. Here I am sitting cold and looking on to chaos only in the sense that there is snow on the usually wet ground outside. Where I could be waking up to sun, and complete chaos in the sense that anarchy is near.

Thinking like this always makes me reflect and question much. Are we a blank slate that only learns what our parents show us? I think we have annihilated this illusion, well only somewhat, but it has been explored by many, I tend to like Steven Pinker's thoughts on the matter. What are we born with? What is a reflection of the operating system that is our culture? Just as rene decartes wanted to eliminate everything to find himself and what he was, I would learn a lot by eliminating limits put on myself by culture.

Simple example is language. I am versed in English. But English is so narrow, it lacks a good translation of many other languages, it has meanings that have been added to over the years by media, fiends, misconceptions, connotation, everything. Let us wonder what life would be like in a different language, would we see different pictures in our minds? Might we dream a bit different? I am really not sure about such a matter, but I can only imagine it would be an experience.

I wonder how language was even conceptualized, or created. Sure it seems logical to us, that humans wanted to communicate so they created a sound system to do so. This is reverse thinking though, sure looking back on any event we can come up with a justification. But think about how outside the box this idea might have been back then. What wonderful ape thought of it first? And how in the hell did he "communicate" that idea to others? Hindsight is always 20 20.

So as a crazed man, or not so crazed man, Terence McKenna puts it, "demand direct experience. This is much a problem of the modern dilemma, is that direct experience has been discounted and in its place is all kinds of belief systems have been erected. I would prefer a kind of intellectual anarchy, where beliefs would be understood as a self limiting function. Because you see, if you believe something, you are automatically precluded from believing in its opposite. Which means a degree of your human freedom has been forfeited in the act of committing yourself to this belief."

“Now my own suspicion is that the Universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.”

~ ~ ~

I want to go on a long drive. And breathe out in my car and see my breath. I want some time to sing my lungs out. And then some time to look on in silence and solitude.

Then I want to eat an apple and drink some water.

Jumbo nerds are good to eat (I don’t know what they are really called)

number two

Thinking back to the days when I was younger and dumber, I wonder how I have changed over the years. Sometimes I still want to hide behind that facade of being the young dumb kid that was always questioning, always competitive, and always willing to go further.

It feels like the questions in life get easier. When I was young, or younger, I think I might have lacked not the understanding of the answer to the question, but maybe what the question was in the first place. Today, I generally understand the questions, making the answers a bit more straightforward. However they still seem hard.

Today it snowed a lot.

When I play, I play hard. My body is taking a lot of abuse. I think I should start to be more careful. Coming home with a bruised elbow, sore knee, and very messed up hip, is probably not the best idea. However it’s such a hard transition. In my nature I just like to push it to the edge of the envelope. There is no in between, I got all out, or stand alone in the corner. I don’t mind putting my body on the line.

I remember once I was in the mountains with my cousin, and we always do crazy stupid shit together. So we were randomly climbing up cliffs, there was some snow, but not a lot. We both lost out grip and scratched our chests off. The blood and lost skin was just part of the enjoyment. We were both laughing miserably as we landed on the ground. The aftermath was not so fun, but just part of the victory over the mountain.

~ ~ ~

So its this time of year that I always start to feel this way. It’s the winter; it’s the holiday season. The summer has come and past. The fall has come to steal away the leaves, and change the colors of our minds. And then the snow comes the cleanse the air, just the smell of the freezing air alone can take me through and endless journey that I can trace and memorize.

It’s the time of year when I reflect a lot, and think too much. I talk to friends who return for the holidays. They always bring me new perspectives on life, and tell me about what I miss out on. Although impossible to explain, some of my best friends I don’t talk to all that often. Its just those scattered conversations that we share, but that is enough. They know me well, they know how my mind works, and they can get into my head so fast.

I also sometimes wonder if sometimes, just sometimes, I am having imaginary conversations.

Well I think that is enough rambling for the time being.

“weightless as I close my eyes, the ceiling opens in disguise.”

Sunday, November 23, 2008

number one

"I will now shut my eyes, stop up my ears, and withdraw all my senses. I will also blot out from my thoughts all images of corporeal things, or rather, since the latter is hardly possible, I will regard these images as empty, false and worthless. And as I converse with myself alone and look more deeply into myself, I will attempt to render myself gradually better known and more familiar to myself."

My time in Washington is up. I have been here since I was a small child, went to pre-school here, elementary school, middle school, high school, and attended university here. That's a lot of school, and two periods in my life are coming to an end, the one where I go to school, and one where I live in Washington. Will I miss it? I guess so. Will I miss the people here, the connections I have made, the serenity, the air, the greens, the mountains, the rain, the gloom, the flashes of sun, the overcast perfect days, the land where perfecting loneliness is easy, a place where its okay to be laid back and easy going, the way the water is choppy on the right of the bridge and calm on the left, the way that the light shines in on my face in the mornings, the way my house smells, the feeling of my bed, the west coast charm, the parking lots; I will miss a lot.

Its not so much about what I will miss, I could paint that picture for years, its more about what those things will mean to me when I really miss them, and can't find them. I wonder what it will be like when I land back down in this place, drive down the 405 and see things that shouldn't be there – that were not there before. It will have changed. I want to take everything I have done here, and learned here, the way of life that seems constant and normal to me, and mix it up. I want to be thrown into craziness, I want to feel uncomfortable and awkward; I want to feel alone in a new world. I want to get lost for a while, and then find things I never knew. I want to feel the cold comfort of the in-between. I want to write a beautiful story, paint a abstract mural, create a sculpture, design the best chair ever, be funny, learn to spell, understand, and be a cool cat.

I am going to leave behind a lot of stuff. My belongings, my friends, my family, my toys, all the things that thus far in life have helped to define me – my style. There is this weird sort of comfort in our home – that place where we store everything familiar. Maybe there is value in what is not familiar, maybe it will be motivating to see new things.

Perspectives are everything, and I need more.

There are some things I do not need more of.

My mother is getting nervous about me leaving. So she constantly gives me all this worldly advice. So this winter break she wants to teach me to spell, she is convinced that this new book she is reading about phonetics is the key to my inability to spell. I told her that at some point she will have to realize that I am a pretty incompetent being, and that some things I will never be good at. She didn't understand.

From these random thoughts of un-useful lists, and memories scattered through my rambled mind and attempts to answer questions of existence, I think I have achieved… nothing. Which might be the best and most complete answer.

On a day near to me, I will be fighting to save the night, fight the break of dawn, watching the log on the fire, wishing for time to stand still, and to save tonight.

~ ~ ~

Thanksgiving is near, December is near, and the Holidays are coming. I like apples again. And celery has become quite tasty. I also love mushrooms. McDonald's value menu has slid down the list, I really want to eat the KFC box meal. I haven't played tennis much at all, and I have been playing more basketball then ever before. The NBA is getting exciting. I have seen a lot of good movies lately. Apparently I listen to the same music I have always listened to. I am like an old attic. I have been amazed recently, surprised, and sometimes feel like an oddball. I think I was a weird kid.

I have trouble sleeping.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like?

Will the rain come? Wash away what once was? Put smiles on my face?

Oh yea… I ran out of shaving cream, its not that fun to run out.

I love the classic crest toothpaste, it's the best.