Saturday, January 25, 2014

humans





so i have written about interviews and my love for them many times before. i wish i got to be interviewed. i want to interview my friends. it has some amazing way of letting people talk about how they really feel without feeling like a complete looser. like in normal life you can just be like yo im really feeling down about this but you know what has really helped me get through it is dot dot dot. like we can't do that. and i think its beneficial to say it and to hear it. we are so used to being these rocks of people who struggle and continue to win through our will and our self made remedies to solve the problems in our own lives. and we are all different and great. and sometimes we need to tell someone about it. sometimes we need to listen to someone tell us about it.


when u read or listen to watch an interview you get to observe people who have been successful in their fields talk about themselves and what helps them and what makes them and where they came from and how they view things. you get to have a brief moment where you can enter their heads. see what they think see how they feel and how they have made it. it could be some writer of non fiction. some scientist. some actor/actress. some artist. some music maker. some athlete. its just amazing how they are and what they have done to get where they are. we are all trying to get somewhere. and if i have learned anything from interviews it is that we dont get there alone. it is the people we encounter along the way that help us. learning from those around us is an amazing thing.

. . . . . . .

the picture above is the view i have gotten to enjoy while going to a client i have been assigned to over the last few weeks. there is greatness is driving in new directions, waking up at different times. seeing new things. cant get enough of it. the view every morning for the last few weeks has made me happy. its more vibrant in real life. its more real. its hot steam entering the world i wake up to. the zero degree cold and dry. the sun. the ice which lines the sidewalks. its real.

. . . . . . .

i ate breakfast this morning. and as i was drinking my coffee i turned on the tv and watched a few min's of the kitchen. its one of the few times i watch tv during the week. weekend mornings while eating food. there is this show called The Kitchen on the food network. at first i was kinda neutral to it. it wasnt bad wasnt good just kinda something to watch while i ate. but i really like geoffrey zakarian so that made it good. and than i realized that this show is pretty fun. like i want to have it in my own life. like have a few good friends over. each person make something. eat all day long. play games and chat while ppl are in the kitchen. would be pretty fun way to spend a day. that go me thinking how i become this person. i would have never had that thought 3 years ago. how your mind changes and how you start to feel different and what you would rather do. it changes. and its strange because you have these thoughts and they all seem so good and real. and than you are shocked that you just had that thought. because it appeared out of nowhere. and things that you thought you were you might not be. or its changing. and your happy about that. but just in shock that things are changing. i am changing. and that is odd. someone come interview me so i can tell you about it.

. . . . . . .

okay one more morning thought. i am an inoj. always have been. and i don't really see that changing. im quite happy living in my bubble being alone a lot and being judgmental. being pretty antisocial. of course i can be outgoing at times. but kinda like to being pretty introverted. and i respect other introverts more so than say the super extrovert. but than there are some extroverts that i am so jealous of sometimes. like they can just talk so candidly about themselves and say the dumbest stuff and sound cool about it. like laugh super loud. slapstick humor ready. but still come off as sensitive and smart. they are kings. sometimes.... just sometimes i wish i was extroverted like that. its rare to see in a person but some people can do it. it has a lot with why i dont really watch the blockbuster hit comedy films much. some of the rare times i find myself left out of a joke is when ppl start quoting lines from these movies. everyone is shocked that i havent seen "that" movie. iunno i just am not a fan. ill watch them. i will laugh. i will enjoy the moment. and i won't think it was a waste of time. but i would never seek out watching them. there is so many other films i would rather watch.

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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Winter

It is winter. It is cold. I am parking outside again. So i can see my breath in the morning. Which is a big upgrade from last winter. The downgrade is digging out of my parking spot. Snow loves to cover the ground and take over my parking spot. I think its a good trade. my breath for shoveling. 

one thing i have been noticing recently is how much people, myself included, claim they do not have time for things. as we get older we have less and less time. we have less time until the day we die. we have less time to do nothing, because we are busy trying to make money to spend on nothing. the more we work. the less time we have. but the more money we can have. and more importantly, if we work well, we can upgrade our minds and spirit. we can gain talents to use later. to make more money. or at least we can tell someone that we have experienced so many great things that will make it worth while paying me too much money. but really, time is time. you know? we can make time for anything. not having time to do something is so lame. and if you break it down, we do have time. it amazing the things i tell myself i dont have time for. every time i have heard myself say this sentence in the last year has been a lie. i have time to do all the things i have wanted to do or someone has asked me to do. i just make up some lie in my head to justify not having time. if i want to work out, i can make time. if i want to watch a football game, i can. if i want to eat dinner with a friend. i can. not having time is such a lame excuse for everything. i also think it is hilarious when other people complain they dont have time. because if you could really analyze it, i guarantee they have time. maybe they have to cut down on something else. however, when someone says they don't have time for something, it is almost always more important than something they might have to cut down on. time is so complicated. and so abstract. and so fake. but time is ours and we can do what we want with it. not having time is silly. and although i love silly, i will attempt to understand time more. lets make time. if we can manufacture time we can win.

you know what is one of the worst feelings of all time. when someone feels sad for you. like when they ask you a question expecting a good happy answer. but the truth is empty nothingness. and they completely expected goodness. but the answer is nothingness. and i am okay with it. i am happy with it. but they are so confused and have nothing to say because there is no answer. and they scrabble to say something to somehow make it better. but there is nothing. because the answer is not bad, it is just nothing. and that makes me feel bad. because they are scrambling to cover up something that is. it doesnt need anything else. its just some silly system telling them that things are supposed to be a certain way, when the truth is that they dont need to be. 

the power of the desire to agree with those around you is endless and really is ugly. i know i want to agree with others too. i can catch myself being like yea i agree when know i am in complete disagreeance. i try not to be that way. but sometimes it is just the easy way out. but that power to want to agree is so ugly. so so ugly. 

ageing is fun.


Monday, November 11, 2013

Autumn Leaves, Autumn Skies, Autumn Waters, and Autumn Hiding




As it grows colder, the leaves change colors, the skies bleeds with flames, the water freezes, and as people go into hiding, Ryan comes out to play.

I love the winter. Everyone goes back to their houses and plays their indoor games and they dont want to play on beaches anymore. That is the time that Ryan loves to play on beaches. No people to distract you from the views that dont end. The water is still their, and sometimes its freezing and looks nice. The birds are still eating and making noise. And the sky is orange and red as the sun rises and sets. I love that I have to travel to the beach in the fall and winter. I love being their when no one is there. Spending a week in the furthest place on the cape has been just want i needed to get back into living. Maybe that is why i like the winter the crisp cold makes u feel alive.

I once knew a young girl named Marge. She loved the winter and everything that came with it. She loved to watch the white snow cover all the things she loved. She loved how this white blanket could fall onto the world that she knew and make her smile and watch in awe as the land turned to a pure state of nothingnessbeauty. As all color was erased. As all things were buried. She loved the new that was made. The serenity and oneness and ease that the winter brought. She would tell herself that the winter is when all the cool kids went inside and all the cool kids came outside to enjoy the lonely sights of the raw world. Snow is smiling at the winter with a warm heart and warm toes.


Saturday, October 26, 2013

running in the wrong direction...

i have taken a few steps in the normal direction for the last year or so... and that has been great and all. its like i am going somewhere that i am supposed to go. and i guess there is a part of me that wants to go in that direction that place were we think we are supposed to go. but i can feel myself stuttering, wanting to run in a new direction. looking for that other place. it might be time to run in the wrong direction for a while.

i am also in this minimalist phase. simple living. i was at this super cool place the other day getting a black plain coffee, or that is what they call a coffee that does not have cream and sugar in this strange place on the eastern coast of this country. i also got a plain bagel. and plain cream cheese. the guy behind the counter looked at me and sort of spat out a sort of rhythmic line, almost as if he were reciting poetry. 

"plain coffee, plain bagel, plain cream cheese, for a plain man."

i laughed a little and told him i like to keep it basic. he kinda got me thinking about that. i guess i do like to keep some stuff simple, plain, basic. i like to call it classic. timeless. today was el classico 2013 pretty good day for the classic. 

i also watched some random stuff on the internet. read some random stuff. i kind of felt like my undergrad days when i could spend tons of time reading interviews of all these music makers, writers, random people, and get inspired about their stuff. enjoy their creative minds doing stuff they do. being who they are wanting to be honest and trying to be themselves in a fast moving world with new problems living in this country where things seem to be going wrong but no one really notices or feels it yet. 

i have been watching all these classic films too. or classic films of my life the films that were honest when i was a kid. i watched a few films recently that don't have real actors and actresses, but instead just try to tell a story authentically. i like that raw realness. or at least the idea of it. the only real way to feel right is to be right. and its hard in a this world of fakers. we are the century of fakers. 

so i guess its time to run in the wrong direction for a while...

Monday, October 14, 2013

neighborhoods

so there is something about neighborhoods in the east that is a truly better than the west. great little spots of migrating crowds of people. to mature communities with similar ethnic traits, similar lifestyle choices, really similar anythings; you could probably correlate color of clothes worn to different neighborhoods in nyc and bk.

the last week has been a bit of nostalgic fun layered with desires from my past.

a great friend came from my younger years to the city where i live now for a week. he was working, so it was kinda like the old days. schooling/working by day. kicking it by night. doing dumb things on the weekend. it was pasthood in the newhood. it was great. we ate endlessly, which is what we do best.

went to the big city to see some old friends. and i realized how bad i am with time. apparently i have not seen these two people for 3 years. it seemed like yesterday the moment i saw them. everything was the same. time apparently didn't make them dissipate from my thoughts. good times with my bad conception of time.

i guess we get caught up with the stuff we are doing. we forget to be cliche because its cliche. how dumb. im cliche and i love it and i wont change it. its walking that fine line where all the good stuff is anyways. enjoy everything dont get caught up in the dullness of life. find the joys in all that is done. even things that are purely structured and inefficient by structural design. all processes have ways of being important. scattered conversations with new people that are cool people change the path of my life every time. its not like i meat a person and instantly change my life. its like this person brings a new idea into this head of mine and changes the way i can think. and that nuanced change in thinking may change my next choice. or my next next choice. and those changes will change my path. and those are the encounters which are so vital to my own happiness. i met at least 4 ppl this weekend whos conversations or observations of the way that they live have changed my thoughts. i have this problem where i keep seeing them in my head playing these mannerisms or playing their intensity of living, that just brings a smile to my face. its like they were so good at being them and living amazingly as them. i love ppl who are good at living as themselves. you know when u meet someone new that just seems like they are good at being them? it makes no sense when i write it, but maybe you can understand when u meet someone who is so bad at being who they are trying to be. well this good one is the opposite of that. and when someone is good at being them, i love it. i love them.

i went to a tiny intimate concert on sat night. brings me back to my youth when shows were frequent. and it was def fun. i enjoyed it a lot. bushwick. what a place.

i normally just read stuff written on walls as like raw advertisements of life you know. like people writing things that they think other ppl will like. but sometimes i read somethingthing that is amazinging.
"drink and don't regret"

and the desires. well my life on paper is boring to anyone who is not me. im sure people think i suck as a person. which i really do according to anyone who is not in my field. because we do suck. but one thing i can assure u is that we usually have a pretty sweet dark satiric humor that stems from being hated. and who doesnt like self deprecation. we also think we are better than everyone else because we are. but before i was this i was something else. my younger years were spent being a meteorologist, geologist, writer, mathematician, and creator of abstract dumb looking things. i imagined the universe all day long where i was a scifi maniac in my head making mobiles and drawings. i was a collector of all rocks, polishing them in my rock tumbler, which is still a prized possession which i think all children should have. actually i think from now on each child that gets a gift from me will get a rock polisher. i wrote crazy stories that made no sense with rambles that mimic my rambling self. when i first learned what a square root was i was so amazed and in awe that i made a square root book. like i just starting listing square roots of every number using a calculator. i dont know where this book is now. and the making of trash. man i loved making ugly stuff. i think im good at making ugly things because i can not make pretty things. my penmanship, my drawing ability, my painting ability. i will not ever beat a 7 year old at these categories. but if you want ugly stuff, i will crush u.

someday my house will be filled with ugly trash i made. its going to be amazing. the person i love told me recently that she wanted to make things to put in our someday house. i hope that happens. because i think she will make pretty things. and i can make ugly things. and somehow we can both think they are ugly and pretty and it will be nice.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

thankfulness

childhood memories, memories, and being a child. I was watching mad men and i am reminded of childhood through sally. I also recently asked my sister a question i had never thought of before, what her first memory of me was. i guess i should be happy with the response because it involves a large animal my favorite noun and my sister. it also awoken name calling that was good. we used to call each other different types of poop. but somehow whale poop was the best one. i felt sad that i never thought to ask her that before. it seems so important, and after learning what that first memory was, it is clear just how important it was. 

i usually dont watch tv. i really try to stay away from it. im like that stuck up kid that thinks tv is bad. i do watch a few things here and there, but i really try to stay away. recently i have been watching more tv than ever, not really sure why. well i think it is because i canceled cable and got a roku with hulu. its not good to have a whole season of shows in front of you. which got me thinking, i have this idea that tv is bad. it always sparks memories and ideas. and maybe it is trying to sell stuff. but i like to buy stuff. i mean reading is great. and it doesnt come with guilt. and it is cool and i can be stuck up saying i read stuff. but is tv really bad? i mean no one can make me think its good. i will continue and probably forever think tv is bad. i will still have one, and i will still watch some. but that i will still think it stinks. i just want to get away from the system. but instead i have placed myself in this place where i an in the system of trying to not be in the system. i guess that is me though.

the person i love sent me a gift. inside were lots of things, notes, candy, vitamins, pens, and notebooks. Today i realized this is the best gift to receive in my place right now. I started a new diary. its more of a me and my day diary. i like to write here because i can look back on it and i like that idea that others can read it and that it will be safe forever. i hate the idea that so many great things were written in my notebooks from school, random notebooks in bags that i carried along my adventures, and i hate that they are there and i wont ever seen them again. i like the idea of writing things to be stored in pages that wont be read again. or probably not read again. although i have tons of notebooks with all kinds of trash written inside in boxes in at my parents house. no one should read that though. they might find out how smart i am. anyways, i started a daily note thing to myself for myself. to track my daily life and what i did that is important. i want it to be for me and only me. which is strange because im not usually like that. i dont like to make things for myself. i like to show off. but i feel like i need that right now. like i need the dinner time "what did you do today" but now it will be the night time "are you proud of your day today"

respectable people amaze me. when i meet someone that i respect its amazing. i feel like it is the reason we live. to find those treasures. and its almost like that is all i ever want. i want to be that person for some other person someday. i want someone to meet me and to feel like they learned something about truth just by a small short encounter. if we spend enough time with someone they will show of their good stuff. but we are all good at something, we are all living things. my real motivation is just to be a good. 

i feel myself wanting to like everything. i want to experience more. the things i thought i didnt like, i want to like. i want to acquire the enjoyment of all things. recently it has been things in the sea. i want to eat all the sea things. 


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

daily reminder to live

 Many times I go to sleep unhappy, bitter, worried, sick, happy, smiling, laughing, frowning, excited, ready. And so many times I wake up the same ways. But so many times when I am in one of those not so great moods I am reminded of goodness and reminded to be good and to feel good.

This morning it was a truck delivering the morning supply of Thomas Muffins, a food item a friend eats religiously.  Followed by the stretching and morning work out of a grandmother who I saw the previous morning.

It was a view of a familiar item that reminded me of a person who could use a few thoughts. It was the comfort in the familiar grandmother starting her morning the same way she did the day before.

I cant explain why, but without fail I will become more happy anytime I see the same person I saw the previous morning doing the same thing as the previous morning.  The joys of familiarity. The simple symbols my path as I navigate through the roads and streets that I will endlessly get lost in.

Good morning today for today is a nice day to explore.

More intensely.