Friday, August 21, 2015



this thing that we need. sometimes more than other times. we all work so hard to gather our experiences and wins in order to build this seemingly illusive thing to use in order to hang bigger wins up in our imaginary trophy shelf in our mind. sometimes these trophy's come in the forms of real awards other times it comes with cash. confidence is so fucking dangerous though. it can tear our relationships apart. it can lead to the enemy and greed. its such a balance of trash. we need it to survive and we learn that we want it and that we need a healthy level of it. but as you gain it you want more of it and that leads to evil. its such a tough concept and its potentially something that as i grow older is more and more difficult to handle. it doesnt get easier. it gets harder. the choices are bigger. and the consequences are larger.

we are, or i feel like i am, living in this era where we are trying to be less self centered and more selfless. we want to be in the masses. we want to grow big and bring our friends with us. this concept is great and feels like a happy selfless idea. but it also lets us spread our greed. we think because its for the greater, its somehow less greedy. we are making things for the sake of producing trophy's and not because we really believe in the ideas. the art of mastery is getting lost in this fast pace, move around a lot, create and sell; the get in get out mentality. all the greatest things i can think of came from lifetimes of dedication to a single art. a single idea. a single creation. and i feel like that is getting lost. there are more trophy's if u jump around endlessly. and maybe i am wrong. and maybe this is the changing. maybe there will be true triumph in this new culture of constant change. maybe this fast pace, instant transferring society of big data will prove to be the glory.

i don't often slow down in the summer. i often run all summer long. but this summer i have taken some time to slow down. spent some moments trying to enjoy the season i dont like that much. i feel like some typical things on a mental emotional level that i typically do in the winter took place in the summer. that is different and its foreign. but its nice.

its really hard to reject luxury. its hard to walk into places that u think u hate and enjoy the feeling that you have arrive at this imaginary place "i made it". i dont like quotes but ill use it this time because it is what it is. i enjoy the quotes. the class an symbol of money. things that we cant afford but when we buy make us feel somehow confident. and its bad. its a bad bad place.

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