Thursday, March 29, 2012


looks like spring might be near. we saw a small tint of the heat a few weeks back. we are back to the blissful cold weather that i adore. today is my early day where i get to wake up early and walk around outside when the sun is shinning from the other side. or not shinning through. today was a nice day. wet ground, cold air, seeing your breath, nice smell, and it reminded me of home. funny how smell can do that sometimes. i can smell home sometimes. when i see my little sisters dog's hair on things of mine, i also feel at home. strange how dog hair can some how find its way into my things so much later. how did it get here?

funny how much having an older brother and a younger sister shapes things. you are always worried about the little one. always wanting to give the right advice. but knowing how sometimes being a younger one receiving help or support... advice is that last thing you want. trying to balance being a nice older brother and being a reasonable one. only wanting that little one to find things to get excited about. only wanting them to be passionate about something they like and then following that. and then having an older figure. always being the younger one following along or trying to. worried about stepping on their shoes. worried about how heavy it might be at the top. lucky for me he is stronger then me. i have always let him carry the heavy things. my words can be too heavy at times though. such a bad habit that is. dangerous words.

i hate the summer. not really looking forward to it. the heat. the sweat. the best part of summer is the outdoors. i guess i will have to add that back into my life. right now i feel like i just sit in chairs. different ones, but non the less chairs. i like chairs. i also like sitting and doing things. but sometimes breaking up the time is good. i wanna run dreams are haunting my thoughts lately. i dont like when thoughts haunt me. when i cant get things out of my head. i want to make them leave me alone sometimes. i want to convince them to leave me in my chair. because my chair is nice. but they dont like my chair. they want me to walk, run, or sit in a different chair. but i told them i dont want to. but they said i should. should i?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

something i don't agree with

amongst the endless quotes that float around in the world and in my head, most of the ones i remember are ones i like or find meaning in. a few writings back i mentioned liking people that have a lifetime of stories. one thing that i feel like some people believe in is the idea that we should live to xxxxxxx. live to eat. live to write. live to have fun. it goes on and on. i dont want to live to do something. and i dont want to live to make a great story. living to do something is like admitting to being a part of this system that tells us that we should do certain things and should not do other things. living to do something is admitting to losing meaning in some things to get other things. i would like to think that everything we do has some piece of meaning and that meaning can be defined by ourselves. like dancing naked after a shower. enjoy that moment that no one will ever witness, nor should they ever witness. not because it might be a funny story to tell someday or because dancing might be an enabler for another thing, but because it just something that u do. i dont want to do that in order to get there. i want to search for truths and meanings within every little facet in my own life. and although each individual moment in my life is a part of my whole, i dont want to make them so interconnected that i have to distribute meaning and value to each individual part. if i had to make a live life to quote what would it be....

live life to run away from everyone and everything and never ever sit still and keep running until there is no more running left in the world and then fly and fly away from all meanings and things and then sail to find the truths that are perfect and endless and impossible to understand without just understanding.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

the fun farm

A lot of people have dreams about life after the life where they make money. its like that idea of the second life. like first i will live a life where i will make money because money is important. and after i make some money i will do what i really want to do. for a lot of men or boys its a pub. for girls it might be a bakery or a cookie shop. for a lot it might be a restaurant as well. if you let the suit life affect you too much u might end up wanting a wine bar or something nice like that.

without having to talk about the part where we think we need two lives. because that i could ramble on about for seven lives. 

i want to have a farm. i guess i would want a farm right now too. but i am part of this system that says i have to give the fake world a go. i have to use all these fake skills i have been paying too much money to learn about. i have to prove to myself that i can make it in the fake world. i have to wear nice skull socks under my nice suit. maybe i will try to do some good things in the fake world too. i am not sure yet. maybe i will become a part of the fake world. 

but after that, if i make it. i want to recruit a bunch of my fake world real friends and start a farm. we would all go on an adventure and buy some real boots made from real things. we would get some real jeans. and we would build a farm. we might even be able to infuse some fake world skills into real world farming. how fun would it be to live on a farm with all your best friends and their wives and husbands. we could play games. we could pet our cows and pigs. we could raise our children on the prairie and in the valleys. farming seems like fun times and fun times seem like fun. i like fun times. i also usually like fun. and fun times. 

Monday, March 12, 2012


eating is such a strange thing.

what do you do with things you like? maybe it is more natural then strange when we are young, and that at some point it becomes strange. when u see little kids eat things on the ground. putting everything they seem to enjoy in their mouth. maybe that is natural. we put what we like in our mouth to taste it and enjoy it and make it enter our bodies. but then at some point in time, we start to put things we like on shelves. we look at them. we might think about them. we might play with them. they might go in boxes and stay put away in barns in our backyards. or things that look like barns. as we get older, eating changes somehow. some of us become a word that i hate "foodies". if we have money we might spend time in nice restaurants. if we are too cool for that we might travel to hole in the wall places that we can lie to ourselves and call our special place or a cooler place because we are cooler then you. many people battle with eating issues. some of us claim to work out to eat. some of us eat to survive. no mater what food turns into for us as we age, it is not the same as the slightly stranger or maybe slightly more normal idea that we put things we like in our mouths. some people might face stranger or normaler ways of not eating animals or not eating unnatural things. some people might chose not to eat. i remember when i was old enough to know what dirty meant, i would still have the urge to put things i like in my mouth. sometimes i would do it knowing it was gross. some adults or at least older people still put things in their mouths. like tennis trophies. i like that. if i won a big tennis trophy that meant a lot i would want to put it in my stomach. or at least taste it. some people find comfort in cooking. some people find enjoyment in creating food for others. some people just love to eat nice food with nice people. some people lack taste buds or good ones and that might be sad or not sad. some food costs more. sometimes dirty foods taste nice. some people thing other peoples food is strange. what do you do with things you enjoy and like? i think i will try putting more things i like in my mouth again. i like rocks. maybe i should eat some. maybe that is why there is rock candy. for people who like rocks and therefore want to eat rocks. but dont want to die.