Saturday, December 31, 2011

so this is the last day of this year

Two Thousand and Eleven,

this is the first time i have wrote your name correctly. I am sorry for not treating you better. Your life has given me so much. your year will most likely go down in ryan history as one of the most pivotal years in my life. 

so many new things. so many fun times. so many hard times. the threat of real loss. watching some of my best friends making the ultimate vow. moving to a new place. thinking new thoughts. making new friends. making bad choices. making good choices. wanting to learn more. I think one thing i learned this year is how important family is, what family means, and the complexities of families. I guess i learn something new about what a family is every year. but this year i think i have somehow come to a new appreciation for the idea of a family and everything that it is. all the fear that comes with starting one. all the compromise that is laced within one. all the hidden sacrifices that are made. all the understanding that is present. and yet with all the complexities, with all the craziness, and with all the details, somehow balance and unity is upheld. 

one more year is coming to an end. friends are more important then ever before. i am at the cusp of making some big choices. i have a lot on my plate. i need to deal with the stress of my mind better. i need to continue to strive for the right path and the right ideas. i just hope i can sort out what right is. my wish for the next year is understanding. i want to open my mind and understand all that i encounter. i want to understand my school work well. i want to understand the people i love and care about better. i want to understand strangers. i want to hate no one. i want complete understanding. i think with understanding we can win a lot of battles. i like to win battles. and i will strive to win the battles of the next year with understanding. 

i will see you next year. special ramblings you are endlessly therapeutic and endlessly great. 

Monday, December 26, 2011

i guess somethings don't seem right or fair

i came home pretty happy and feeling pretty lucky to be happy about returning to my home. i wrote about not knowing what home was or what it meant or what i thought home should mean. but i feel so lucky to  have a home to be going home to and having happy thoughts about that home. no mater how tainted those thoughts are or how tangled things might be at times; its home and i like home.

on the flight home, i was surrounded by babies. so many babies. a baby behind me kicking my seat. one in front eating some cool organic baby food. and one to my side who was not born the same as the other two. i realized that life is real hard and not predictable. parents want to be the best they can be. naturally we cant be the best. sometimes life is just not fair. sometimes we encounter not fun things. i hate not knowing what to say. i feel like i have been so lucky to not have run into many hard times. i mean of course there has been those not so fun moments in time. but overall, i feel lucky.

but i know a lot of people dealing with hard times. people i love dearly. people who would give anything for me. and they are suffering. and i dont like to see it. and i dont want to see it. and i dont know what to say. i dont know how i would deal with it. and i dont want to pretend to know that i would know what it feels like. or how i would even begin to look at the things they face.

as time consumes my life. as it runs its course and as it takes me from place to place. as life passes me by.

i just try to continue to find the good things. as much as things that i know and witness make me scared of this world. and make me scared of living more. i find the things that make me endlessly hopeful. the iconic scene in my head is the father tying his daughters shoe lace in a parking lot. i dont know why this is so vivid in my mind, but its just that one image that has burned itself in my mind, just as the perfect picture is burned onto the paper in the dark room. that one moment in time that seems like pure bliss. i want that moment to happen to me someday.

today my little 7 year old cousin tied my jacket together. and it was like the reverse of this feeling. i am just happy that i can live with endless hope for moments in time that i will really feel happy. that i will see the hope. the light. and the meaning.

Monday, December 19, 2011

home, treehouses, and, houses

im not sure when home becomes not home or what makes home, home. but home is and can only be one place. when i have a home of my own, when i go home will i still call it home? not to sure, but it will be exciting when i get to the point in my life when i encounter that predicament. when will this boy call a new place home. and will it happen?

anyways. i have been trying to think about what i want to do first. you know when you have been away from home for a while... and you just have that desire to do SOMETHING important. some eat at their favorite spot. some might go to their shoe boxes. some might jump on their bed covered in 38 pillows (most of which would have been stolen by little sisters and pillow monster parents). some might go to their book shelves. when i was little it would be go to my bathroom, because i hate all bathrooms but the one that i have been in the most. im still not sure what i want to do, but when i figure it out, ill let myself enjoy it.

what might you do if you were me?

Monday, December 12, 2011

energy, rain, and eye rain.

I once heard from someone that there is an energy running through them. "There is like this energy running through me. It's not really a part of me, it's just an energy that runs through me."

The energy might be running through us. it might be independent of us. it might be important to us. i might just be that. energy. whatever it is, it would be pretty nice if there was this energy. i do like energy.

energy creates emotions. not necessary the emotions you felt when you woke up. or the emotions you will fell the next time u smile. sometimes they are emotions that you felt years ago. emotions are somehow captured inside of us. they sit in this secret cabinet deep within the maze that we create with our hearts. some of us hide these capsules deep within in our brains behind doors with different shaped keys that we hide from ourselves with walls and mazes. yet, somehow we can revisit these emotions when we encounter the same energy that was used to create those emotions. its just a mater of time before the energy reaches us again and fills us up.

i had this idea to use test tubes and capture rain. i wanted to capture all the rain that i encountered. i was going to capture all those rainy days and label the tubes so i could remember all the rainy days later in the future and then know what it was like to be in those rainy days of fun. i also wanted to give some tubes to my favorite people. I wanted them to capture the rain they encountered, in hopes that i could experience that rain through them. i still have the test tubes in a box in my room at my parents house in one of the best cities of all time.

when i have kids. if i have kids. i am going to capture their tears in test tubes and save them for them. i will date each tube and create a database corresponding to the tears. i think rain is important. i also think eye rain is important. i also like energy.

Saturday, December 3, 2011


i kinda just want to float around for a while. just float. i dont want to think to much about a year from now. i want to think a little bit more about a week from now. and just a little bit more then a week, i want to think about tomorrow. i want to think less of yesterday. and even less of two days ago. i guess 20 years ago would be okay to think about. i want to feel engaged. motivated. i want to get lost in the things i do daily. but without the care about what that might lead to in seven weeks, or in seven years.

can i be a happy floating along in a world of fun?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

its funny

sometimes its funny... I feel like i have seen a decent amount. i feel like i knew what i wanted. i feel like i was on my way to reaching those things that i thought that i wanted. and then somewhere down the line, things change. and i feel like i am back at square one. i feel like i am just trying to figure out where i want to go. what i want to do. what i need to do. i don't like getting older. i feel like the older i get the more burden i carry. i feel like i keep trapping myself into the life that i thought i wanted to have. i dont want to be forced into something. i want to live the life that i want to live. i want to do the things that i should be doing and the things i want to do. but now, its almost to late. i am trapped. i have trapped myself. isn't it funny?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


these days i need to really focus and make some good realizations. i dont want to dig to deep into these dreams that i have. i hate having expectations for myself. i need to just work with what i have and be okay with it and try to be okay with it and be okay with it. that is something that i am trying to get to understand. for the first time in a long time i can feel myself hiding from my head. i keep running away from all that it is that my head wants to think about and that is really not a good thing to do. and i dont want to do it. but i can feel my head creating these walls. and i know they are there right now. and it seems okay because i know they are there right now.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

walking down the path

I am really not sure where this walk will lead me. but a little while back i wrote about a walk that I am on. I think it is pretty important to want to be on the walk that I am on. There might be a few things that sting and a few things that will make us smile. Yet, it is still on this walk. This is the walk that will lead to goodness and fun things; it can't be any other walk can it? I can chose a new path, take a step back, climb over a river, ride a pig to the next crossing, but it will still be this walk. my walk. and for this walk I am happy to be on it. I have to be. It is my walk. I have steeped on so much that is great already. seaweed being some of the best stuff to step on. rocky beaches, sandy beaches, warm sand, cold snow, smelly things, long grass, sort grass, the stomachs of the people who I love. I hope to set foot on new places soon. To walk through the places that I want to walk through. I know there will be more smelly things to walk over. But I guess that is okay. Sometimes I smell bad too, and I sure hope that those who love me will step on my smelly stomach even when it is smelly.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


i dont feel like im very old, but i think i am finally at that stage where i feel younger then i am. i have to tell myself to be less playful and more serious. i dont want to do this. i really dont. but i think its time that i start thinking that way. 

just kidding. im gonna keep playing. keep dreaming. and keep chasing the fun in life. sorry. im just a chaser. im going to keep running and chasing until there is nothing left, or until i win.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


the ability to see something is nice and good.

although i like interesting things. and interesting things are usually things that are not transparent. it is sometimes strange that transparent things are interesting. someone who might be completely transparent would be an honest thing. that honest thing might not be interesting. but if a tree were transparent it would be honest and amazingly interesting.

in our actions we can be transparent living creatures of this place. with endless wrongs going around us. with truth being manipulated constantly. would it be nice to have a some transparency? where things would just be done with honesty. everything would be visible. complete transparency.

is this wish for something uninteresting?  probably. in that case just send me a transparent tree so that i can gaze at it endlessly and forever.

rain is transparent. and i like rain. rain also washes away the film that covers this place. it can lead to a new start. after rain are clear skies. rain helps other living things grow. i wonder if rain would feed transparent trees? would transparent creatures thirst upon transparent rain? would a nice raspberry burst with transparent juice? if there was transparency we wouldn't have to rely on our scenes. scenes are just trying to see through things anyways. they just try to uncover that filth that sticks to the world with its deep manipulation and falsehoods. we are going to need a lot of rain to wash that filth from this place.

i like the sneeches. they put stars on there bellies and then remove them. once day stars on the bellies are the way to go. the next stars upon the belly are the wrong way. send me a star removing machine. and send me a star making machine. i will need both.

and a clear raspberry.

and a transparent tree.

and some water.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

on the edge


Sometimes its strange what we remember. The conversations we remember. the people we remember. the thoughts that ran through our heads. We can't seem to understand why certain things are important. Yet, I have such vivid memories of somethings.

I think i will always remember this. The speech I heard from a classmate during my 3rd year of undergrad. She stood brave in front of the class talking about how she felt as if she was teetering on the edge. She had not fallen off the other side, yet she was not on stable ground. She talked about the struggle to stay on the right side, the struggle of not falling, the constant battle which she had to stay right and do the right thing.

I think this is what makes some of us great. We never lose focus on that thing. We teeter constantly, but we do not fall. We stay true. We keep striving to do the right thing. We know that sometimes we have to sacrifice a lot to do the right thing,. Sometimes we just have to give up a little bit of the things that we want in order to do the right thing.

I know I strive to teeter longer. I know that I have almost fallen many times. But I also know that I don't want to fall into the darkness. I want to stay well, I want to be proud of the life that I will live. Now and in the future I want to stay teetering, stay challenged, and stay ready to take on the next step of the way. Every time I want to be reminded of the hard times when we might not know how to act.

I want to just be happy with all the choices I make. I want to just be able to look back on the choices which I have made along the way and be able to relive my life with a smile.

I just want to smile. a lot. and sometimes.

Monday, September 12, 2011

here we go

i like being in this new place.
i like meeting new people.
i like meeting new nice minds.
i like learning in this kind of setting again.
i like walking around new places endlessly.
i like not knowing what tomorrow will be like.
i like getting lost all over this city.
i like the youngness of this place.

i just hope i can find my place in this place.

Monday, August 29, 2011


Oh man.... Boston time.

So far i like it. we have fake hurricanes. grocery stores have price per unit of everything. i know how much orbit gum costs per 100 pieces. they dont like coffee without alcohol in it. pizza places are as common as cafes. there are no cafes. there is wi-fi in bars and pizza places. i need to study with a beer not a coffee.

i am already excited for winter. its a bit hot right now. but i am okay with it knowing that fall is just around the corner. I also feel like i went back in time slightly. I am in a classroom. I like that. I haven't been in a lecture hall since 2008.

So, maybe i am way off, but i think people in boston drink as many beers during the day as a person in seattle drinks coffee. the day i arrived i went to brunch with a friend and a bunch of her friends. seems how i flew out on the red eye, and i somehow lucked boxed my way to Boston on time, i was a little tired. i ordered a double espresso and a sandwich. the waitress asked me what shot i wanted in it, and i was confused. she asked again if i was sure i didn't want any bailys or anything. first cup of coffee of the day. i guess here i should just wake up with some blood and mary's.

well this post is pretty boring. way to informative and not interesting. but i should probably try to do something constructive from the futon of the living room of this apartment.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

strange emotions

these days i feel like something strange has set over me. i am filled with emotions that are foreign to me. i feel some sort of teenage emotional angst, yet its not quite that. its just that i am filled with emotion with ease. i watch a movie and tears fill my eyes. i watch sports and can feel the compassion more so then ever before.

i am getting ready to make a big move again. across the country this time. time to leave the west coast. time to embark on a new school of thought. a new way of life. make some new friends. find myself in a new surrounding. i am excited and scared and emotional.

i guess i will be needing a magical pineapple to ready my mind for the new stage.

Monday, August 1, 2011

embarking on my past lives

as i move through life, being in new places, spending time with different people, working with different people, in different environments, doing new things, smiling in new locations.

i can't help but feel like im standing on some cusp. somehow i knew previously that my future still had a lot of variety in it. but right now i can feel some sort of end coming. i will start school again at the end of this month and i will be tracked into the area i want to be in. i will have a career. i will have a pretty defined area of work. i hope to still have a lot of crazy opportunities left in life, and i hope to live in some pretty crazy places. yet still, i somewhat know what i will be doing for a while.

knowing that i am about to climb over that cusp makes everything seem so much better. i am working with kids for the next three weeks and waking them up every morning. making them brush their teeth. seeing these naive innocent minds at work. this is something i will miss a lot. i feel truly lucky to have gotten time to share with so many children over the past 3 years. its been great and i know i will miss it so much. there is something about being around these little minds that is eye opening. i hope i can translate that energy into something in the future.

i guess i just want to remember these times. i want to know what it feels like to be in this moment right now. because i will soon be surrounded by suits. and i might have one too.

some people call me childish.

i like to throw rocks.

sometimes i like to sleep in the sun with rocks on my belly and eyes and mouth.

and these are my random monday morning thoughts.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

i like that thought. it's nice.

I feel like in life we run across certain thoughts. the thoughts of the pivotal sort.

we come across thoughts which lead to choices; these i guess are the normal ones. we have desire to do something, the thought, then we choose to act. or not act. we try to make the right choice. the good choice. live the good life.

then sometimes we run into special thoughts. the thoughts that just change us instantaneously. we have the thought, and we will never be the same. sometimes the thoughts are are self grown; we somehow look up and have them. sometimes they can be formed through images captured through our vision. other times we wake up and have it stuck in our minds. sometimes the words flow from our fingers. sometimes other people plant the thoughts in our minds; the sheer presence of another creature just shares some silent thought and it changes us.

no mater which kind its going to be, i think i like that thought. and its nice.

~ ~ ~

The best part of watching a movie alone. The best part of watching a movie not at a theater. Is that we can quietly sit and watch the credits play to the end in silence. we can absorb the music. we can reflect. and it is quiet. i love the feeling when the last line of the credits end.

Monday, July 11, 2011

two people looking to find some solace in this crazy fake life that we all strive so hard to be successful at

one man came from a far away land for a journey in my home land.

we met 3 years ago at this super important accounting conference; the USA man, myself, and the Korean prodigy, him. two men on their ways to being the accountants of tomorrow. i was lucky enough to study in the prodigies home land for two years where our friendship blossomed and grew. I returned home in search of some fake success which the system tells me is important. again we are the accountants of tomorrow! i am on the brink of more education while he is solving all the M&A needs of his land.

Although he is very busy, always working hard to solve the problems of tomorrow, he ran into a sudden vacation. i got word on friday and i was at seatac airport picking him up on sunday. it was great.

we both had this burning bitterness burning deep within ourselves and felt the need to suck it from our bodies and blood. so we did the thing that most smart men do. we drank it out. you see, by adding poison to our already poisoned bodies, we can cure ourselves. unfortunately the poison was too deep for the normal methods known to smart men.

we finally arrived on the only next logical choice for smart men. we chose to go on some sort of spiritual excursion. the excursion to find some peacefulness in this world where we see to many faces everyday. we wanted an escape from all that we knew and hated within the dirty fake system which we wanted and want to strive in so badly.

by wed we were gone. our bags stacked up bearing all the essentials of a spiritual journey.

we drove for around 2 hours, because real journeys of the spiritual sort, start with long drives. although we wanted to go further away, snow was a problem. many of the high peaks had too much snow to get too. we finally arrived, and had begun the journey to find truth.

before not too long we reached the first stream to cross. we rested while drinking some water. our 40 lb packs were starting to eat into our shoulders, but we would soon forget how to feel pain. we crossed the first stream with ease and continued on our long long path to the top.

we crossed about 7 more streams along the way. we weaved too and from and each time we found water we grew happy to find a friend. we hiked up the mountain listening only to the songs which the birds provided. we would converse about our past times at times, although not often. and sometimes we would ask some sort of philosophical question which had no answer in the fake world.

we were also blessed with the hottest day of the year, the sun was out in its golden beautiful form. about 6 hours in we reached a river. at this point we were delirious. we had climbed for 6 long hours. the mosquitoes were getting the best of us. we were loosing to nature. but our will to find something real was our top priority. we were willing to risk it all. we had to cross the river. we had no gear to do so. so we did what smart men do best. we took off our pants. took off our shoes. and we were ready for action.

the river was much stronger then we anticipated, and reaching the midpoint was when we realized we had made a terrible mistake. one slip and we were gone; we would have lost trying to find truth.

we had about 40 feet left to the other side, or 40 feet to return home. it was late already, and turning back was not an option. we somehow went through this dance of words without actually speaking to each other. we just stood, still in belly button deep water, in the middle of the river, and then after a long pause we continued on looking for victory.

with the help from a secret place, we reached the other side. as we put back on our pants, we somehow felt refreshed and real. we had accomplished this greatness. we had toyed with failure and won. we were so close to seeing the end of the road.

we had arrived. and we were the only ones to make it. we had reached the final destination. we had won. we had endured all which no other human could on this Wednesday night. we had the lake of truth to ourselves. we had rid ourselves of the system.

although our bodies ached, and we started to feel the pain which we put our bodies through for the previous 7 hours of labor, we knew what time it was. it was time to drink the victory brew. although our packs were heavy we had two special treats for ourselves. 4 brews and a secret power yielding food full of everything that we needed.

after our victory drinks we set up camp before it got to dark. we gathered enough wood to make a nice warming fire where we would toss all the trash and dirt from our minds; the grim that festered deep within our minds, hidden in the basements of our heads.

as we sat silently watching the fire and slowly ridding our bodies of the poison which the fake world had infected us with, the night was approaching.

it was time to replenish our bodies with the powerful nutrients from the truthful world. we got some of the magical alpine lake water, and boiled it on the fire.

we opened our last two brews, and we ate the first meal of our new lives. 짜파게티!

we then gazed at the stars, took in the warmth of the fire which had burned away the evil, and watched the lake as the night took everything back into its breath of darkness.

we finally slept.

when we woke, we took one last look at the lake which gave birth to two new people.

pointed to the mountain tops which gave birth the the lake which in turn gave birth to us and said our goodbyes.

then the two men headed back down the mountain.


i like the word sometimes

sometimes i like to take excursions in nature
sometimes i like to sing to my self while driving
sometimes i like to dance after taking a shower to warm my naked self up
sometimes i like to drink coffee with friends
sometimes i like to drink coffee alone without friends
sometimes i like to try to imagine myself living out side of the system
sometimes i like to imagine that this world we live in is a fake place
sometimes i like to wonder what you are thinking about
sometimes i like to think about the past and smile
sometimes i like to find comfort in friends
sometimes i like to read a book and get lost in a new world
sometimes i like to watch harry potter endlessly
sometimes i like to find the whimsical quirks in the world
usually i like sometimes because as long as it is sometimes it is good times

Monday, June 27, 2011

talking a walk

sometimes i want to take an endless walk. the kind of walk that you might imagine in your head. the kind of walk filled with the flowers that you want to see, the trees, the smells, the breeze, the water droplets. i am not sure what the best walk might look like or taste like or smell like or feel like, but i know that i want to be on that walk.

i want to meet some nice or mean spirits during that walk. i want to feel the thoughts of those animals i might encounter. i want to get lost. i want to eat the things that will be growing along the way. i want to dwell deep into that new land.

sometimes i wish i was on that walk. and sometimes i feel like im on this walk, wanting to be on that walk. but i feel so guilty to long for a different walk. i dont want to have feelings of guilt. i just want to have all the other emotions. i love the different feelings that make the sweat fall out from my skin and the feelings when time seems to some how change and it seems to be more understandable and not so constant. i like those times.

sometimes i am so happy to be on this walk. so endlessly happy. looking back, there are endless greatnesses which i have already experienced at this young age. so many amazing spirits. so many amazing thoughts which i have felt from those other creatures. a lot of nice smells haunt my mind.

the rain has washed away so much. i think if it just rains for the rest of my life i will be okay. just rain more and more and more. i dont want it to ever stop raining.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


graduation speeches are always nice. i wanna go on a graduation marathon. try to listen to all of them. so much motivation in them. all that aspiration. all the drive or the fake drive or the drive that we think we are supposed to have. i will be waiting to see what dreams you make come true. what passion you find. i will be waiting for the time when your eyes really look alive and that you show me how much you want that one thing that you will be working so hard to get. i wanna see that. i want to see when you break away from this place and find your place where all your thoughts lead you. the place that keeps you up at night.

those are the best things. if they can keep you up at night, they are good. what was the first thing that kept you up? i think for me it was soccer. i wanted to be better. always. i wanted to be a bit taller too. i thought if i sang "i wish" enough i could be jordan. don't think i got there. the things that people say that touch us in special places, are always the best paintings. i think its time to be the lemmings and jump off to the new place, we don't know where we might be going, but we gotta jump. talking to my self. i will be the best sheep farmer. i dont want to encounter bad sheep anymore. only good ones. i want to make good paintings. good pictures. and eat nice sheep.

goodbye ruby tuesday
who could hang a name on you
when you change with every new day still i'm gonna miss you...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


its pretty hard stuff.

why is it that it is so simple and easy to trust and see the beauty and honestly and sincerity and truthfulness from a person who rose from nothing. All those successful people, all those stores we hear on the television, all those heartbreaking stories of the kids who rose from their dirt covered streets with only their dreams and imaginations. We can look at them, see into there minds, and we instantly trust them. Is it that innocence of expectations? Are we that laced in the expectations around us that we lose that sincerity? that honestly? that trust?

How can we get it back? All the things that drive us are part of the system which we live in. That uncle that tells you what you should be. the Grandma that expects something. the little sister looking on to her older brother for a path of goodness. do we somehow lose some goodness trying to be that good? we are so stuck in the system and so busy trying to beat the system, that we lose so much. I dont want to lose anything anymore. i want to find something nicer then that. can we leave the system? can we escape it? can we find it with our greedy ways. is cleverness a bad thing? are foxes evil?

i think that is why i like oranges. they are pure. they are orange.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

new starts

i feel like im getting a chance to start again. I feel lucky to be off to start a new adventure in a new city with a good outlook. i dont wanna grow up yet i guess. its strange because while most of my friends are working real jobs. going steady. enjoying different things then me. thinking of start ups. eating at fancy restaurants. buying cars and houses. im about to take out a monster loan for some graduate education. i guess its kinda nice though. i am not sad to be living at home. to have a new adventure on the horizon. a chance to live on the other side of the country. i am quite satisfied with the choices i have made and those which have been made possible for me. living across the world for 2 years. and now to go live across the country and grab a nice education while im at it. i just hope the future will lead me to more adventurous and more fun. i dont want to be tied down. dont let me get stuck somewhere. i dont want to ever own something that will tie my down. and because of all this i wonder why i am really always on the run. i dont think im running from something. i think of it as more trying to find something. i want to find that true stuff so bad, that im willing to go anywhere to get it. if you call me tomorrow telling me there is a great opportunity across the world in some crevice of a place. ill be on a plane tomorrow. just make sure that crack in the world has the true stuff. the truth.

Monday, May 23, 2011

i think

i am always ready for the next step. maybe i need to start thinking about the board room meetings that take place in my head. i need to find out all about those secret meetings in basement of my brain. did you get the memo that was left in the attic of my head? bottle up and explode.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

another important conversation in that head of mine

its time for me to spill a little out again.

this month i will make a pretty big choice. and its not one of those things where my heart is one place and the logic is somewhere else. its not that confusing. its pretty straight forward. two very viable choices that will build foundations for a good happy life. whatever that is. i dont want a good happy life anyways. i want a crazy one where the world falls everyday. where i dont know where i will be tomorrow. so maybe i should choose that one. the option x. but im not that kid. i wish i was everyday though.

anyways. i dont know what to do. why do both choices have to be good? do things happen for a reason? i dont really think like that. ill just flip a coin. if you have a nice one please send me one. i dont have many nice coins.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


times are painting the view which is seen through some eyes on the face of our minds. Can you depict those sights? can you decode them? with the eyes that are so trustworthy? can you place your confidence in those color identifying machines? show me your ways and ill show you how to do it right.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


im gonna bop you

Friday, March 25, 2011


if i ever become famous successful and amazing. i am going to give it all up and live in a winter wonderland. or under a bee hive. or under the ocean. is it strange that the only reason i would want be famous and successful is so that i could give it all up. thats my dream in life.

Monday, March 14, 2011

i heard

D: What other plane can there be for the maker?

B: Logically none. yet I speak of an art turning from it in disgust, weary of puny exploits, weary of pretending to be able, of bing able, of doing a little better the same of thing, of going a little further along a dreary road.

D: and preferring what?

B: the expression that there is nothing to express, nothing with which to express, nothing from which to express, no power to express, no desire to express, together with the obligation to express.

D: but that is violently extreme and personal point of view, of no help to us in the matter of tal coat.

B: ---

d: perhaps that is enough for today.


That feeling that you get when u finish a book. where u just sit in disbelief that it is over. that that place you got lost in for a while is now gone. a lifetime lost. then its on to the next one. i like that feeling after you finish. although describing makes it seem like a bad feeling. its a good one. i am crazy words.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

the places we have been

its funny to look back. all those places we have been. the places that felt right that were not so right. the things that seemed odd but were straight.

more then looking back its interesting to look at kids and see the things that they will look back at. i can see it with my reminisced mind and know how it might look to them when they reminisce it on the eve of there 25th. today she told me "i am had a living in the united states revelation"; meaning that she is ready to have a more positive outlook. shes 11 years old. im a little moved. she reminds me a lot of myself. she questions a lot. she also knows all the right things to say, and she always knows when she has made a mistake and justifies it well. shes a little to observant and perceptive. it scares me.

perception is bad.

i wish i could give some of mine away.

i also with i was 11.

Monday, February 14, 2011

a snapshot in my mind

i was driving to the sandwich store to buy a few sandwiches. i like sandwiches. i stopped at a light and was kinda sad to see that the crosswalk light said walk and i had to wait for some people to walk by. to my surprise a father holding his little girls hand come running across my viewfinder. the girl sticks out her hand to say wait and thank you as she zooms by. the father mimics his daughter and then smile and laugh as they run across the street. tracing behind them is the wife and the mother with the look of happiness on her face. its this kind of confidence that can only be seen. that look on their faces. that innocence. It made me smile. if i was a painter i would paint this picture and it would be great. instead im gonna write about it here so i can revisit that snapshot in my memory another day.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

what else you would be good at...

"life is amazing. It's interesting that there is a whole science to the way everything works."

its interesting to see how fast our minds can change. we can really desire and really want something now, and for the last 27 hours, but that can change almost instantly. the same can happen to something that has been wanted for 27 years. i am constantly thinking about what else i would be good at. im already pretty amazing at a lot of things, but i want to know what else i might be good at. what else i could be good at.

its strange because recently i have been thinking about how important it is to practice one thing over and over and over again in order to get better at it. the more time spent in, the sicker your going to be. and we all want to be down with the sickness and get trapped in the wrath of the darkness which we create with our hands and heads.

these days however, it seems that knowing a little bit about everything is just as sick. people being famous for being famous, ethnographers known for being everywhere shooting everything. just being versed in life is interesting and amazing. would it be cool to be that kid. that person that just knows everything that just knows that many cool cats.

would you want to be the art history kid that knows a bit about all art? or that art history guru of that one famous cat. you know the everything about that cat. both would be pretty nice. and like many things outside this world we can't have both. we can focus on that one thing for our lives and be the sickest. or we could focus on nothing and everything and be that kinda sick.

then again if i am looking at music, i think its pretty sick to be good at it all. looking at the two cats i like a lot, they both play a lot of instruments. they both record lawyering themselves in order to get that band like feel.

i used to think that i wanted to be the amazing that knows all amazing things. but more and more i want to be the amazing in that small amazing area. either way i will be sick. and i will have the darkness for your mind.

Monday, January 24, 2011

When things that usually go wrong go right its a sign

of sweet times.

if you know me, im as good with directions as i am with spelling. today i had to register my car. I recently bought a new one, and i had to transfer the ownership b/c it was used, and so i had to get an emissions test and register the car in my name. How do i get to the emissions office and to the department of vehicle registration in one try? and no wait at eater place. i am an amazing human being. I won the game today. an issaquah was very beautiful this morning. patches of fog flowing over the the forest and floating above the water.

on the other hand, i bought a tape deck adapter so i could listen to my ipod i just want to listen to bbiribbom bberibbom. but i lost that game. i have a cd player.

also i am seeing a lot of shadows again. people always tell me this is a bad thing. like as if im gonna go crazy. i just see all kids of things. shapes turn into people. usually dead people. sometimes they are just shadows of people, no vivid colors but a few earth shades. these days they dont startle me, they just appear sometimes.

im starting to miss a lot of things as well.

sometimes i wish i had one of those cool blog lines to end things with. other times i dont.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

getting older and having questions

sometimes i scared of the next step. i'm never sure what is next and what should be next. Also i dont know if what is next is the right next.

right now i am pretty happy. its funny, the things that i thought would make me happy are not exactly what i think will make me happy anymore. its strange i realized im just as greedy if not more greedy then everyone else. i have this bad habit of putting myself higher then a lot of people, not like specific people, but just higher then your avg man. just a little manlier then the avg man. just a little bit more moral then your moral lion. i used to think i had to be distressful, whatever that is anyways. is it so when someone says mr. ryan what is your job, I can wow them with something they dont understand? I never wanted to say im a doctor. i did once want to say i was a lawyer but that was when i was in 5th grade. i think i would be a good archeologist. maybe i should have keept polishing rocks. at this point teaching kids is actually pretty fun. it is rewarding, and talking to kids everyday is, iunno more mind opening then i could have ever imagined.

I think soon, i will be off to more school somewhere more prestigious then my undergrad days. lets build that resume where i can tell people hey im pretty cool and not so avg. then get a cool job. some people get jobs b/c their parents want them to carry that prestige, but not me. my parents would be happy with anything that i was doing grated it was legal and morally correct in the eyes of my mother.

i spend to much fighting the system. we want to be that something else, that person that is not in the system. there is so much reward for being ahead of the system. like remember when that kid who is dressed slightly funny? then in 6 months he is the coolest kid ever? that was me. but im sure you have seen one before too. that is being ahead of the system. but still in the system; a predictor of that system. cool huh? or how about the ones that are not in the system at all and just always strange. they all help to define the system. we have to be aware of that system, and then we gotta tango with it (im gonna steal that). tangos are not fun, and really just shouldnt be around. unless you want to tango with me b/c im better then you and i will win.