Tuesday, December 24, 2013


It is winter. It is cold. I am parking outside again. So i can see my breath in the morning. Which is a big upgrade from last winter. The downgrade is digging out of my parking spot. Snow loves to cover the ground and take over my parking spot. I think its a good trade. my breath for shoveling. 

one thing i have been noticing recently is how much people, myself included, claim they do not have time for things. as we get older we have less and less time. we have less time until the day we die. we have less time to do nothing, because we are busy trying to make money to spend on nothing. the more we work. the less time we have. but the more money we can have. and more importantly, if we work well, we can upgrade our minds and spirit. we can gain talents to use later. to make more money. or at least we can tell someone that we have experienced so many great things that will make it worth while paying me too much money. but really, time is time. you know? we can make time for anything. not having time to do something is so lame. and if you break it down, we do have time. it amazing the things i tell myself i dont have time for. every time i have heard myself say this sentence in the last year has been a lie. i have time to do all the things i have wanted to do or someone has asked me to do. i just make up some lie in my head to justify not having time. if i want to work out, i can make time. if i want to watch a football game, i can. if i want to eat dinner with a friend. i can. not having time is such a lame excuse for everything. i also think it is hilarious when other people complain they dont have time. because if you could really analyze it, i guarantee they have time. maybe they have to cut down on something else. however, when someone says they don't have time for something, it is almost always more important than something they might have to cut down on. time is so complicated. and so abstract. and so fake. but time is ours and we can do what we want with it. not having time is silly. and although i love silly, i will attempt to understand time more. lets make time. if we can manufacture time we can win.

you know what is one of the worst feelings of all time. when someone feels sad for you. like when they ask you a question expecting a good happy answer. but the truth is empty nothingness. and they completely expected goodness. but the answer is nothingness. and i am okay with it. i am happy with it. but they are so confused and have nothing to say because there is no answer. and they scrabble to say something to somehow make it better. but there is nothing. because the answer is not bad, it is just nothing. and that makes me feel bad. because they are scrambling to cover up something that is. it doesnt need anything else. its just some silly system telling them that things are supposed to be a certain way, when the truth is that they dont need to be. 

the power of the desire to agree with those around you is endless and really is ugly. i know i want to agree with others too. i can catch myself being like yea i agree when know i am in complete disagreeance. i try not to be that way. but sometimes it is just the easy way out. but that power to want to agree is so ugly. so so ugly. 

ageing is fun.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Autumn Leaves, Autumn Skies, Autumn Waters, and Autumn Hiding

As it grows colder, the leaves change colors, the skies bleeds with flames, the water freezes, and as people go into hiding, Ryan comes out to play.

I love the winter. Everyone goes back to their houses and plays their indoor games and they dont want to play on beaches anymore. That is the time that Ryan loves to play on beaches. No people to distract you from the views that dont end. The water is still their, and sometimes its freezing and looks nice. The birds are still eating and making noise. And the sky is orange and red as the sun rises and sets. I love that I have to travel to the beach in the fall and winter. I love being their when no one is there. Spending a week in the furthest place on the cape has been just want i needed to get back into living. Maybe that is why i like the winter the crisp cold makes u feel alive.

I once knew a young girl named Marge. She loved the winter and everything that came with it. She loved to watch the white snow cover all the things she loved. She loved how this white blanket could fall onto the world that she knew and make her smile and watch in awe as the land turned to a pure state of nothingnessbeauty. As all color was erased. As all things were buried. She loved the new that was made. The serenity and oneness and ease that the winter brought. She would tell herself that the winter is when all the cool kids went inside and all the cool kids came outside to enjoy the lonely sights of the raw world. Snow is smiling at the winter with a warm heart and warm toes.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

running in the wrong direction...

i have taken a few steps in the normal direction for the last year or so... and that has been great and all. its like i am going somewhere that i am supposed to go. and i guess there is a part of me that wants to go in that direction that place were we think we are supposed to go. but i can feel myself stuttering, wanting to run in a new direction. looking for that other place. it might be time to run in the wrong direction for a while.

i am also in this minimalist phase. simple living. i was at this super cool place the other day getting a black plain coffee, or that is what they call a coffee that does not have cream and sugar in this strange place on the eastern coast of this country. i also got a plain bagel. and plain cream cheese. the guy behind the counter looked at me and sort of spat out a sort of rhythmic line, almost as if he were reciting poetry. 

"plain coffee, plain bagel, plain cream cheese, for a plain man."

i laughed a little and told him i like to keep it basic. he kinda got me thinking about that. i guess i do like to keep some stuff simple, plain, basic. i like to call it classic. timeless. today was el classico 2013 pretty good day for the classic. 

i also watched some random stuff on the internet. read some random stuff. i kind of felt like my undergrad days when i could spend tons of time reading interviews of all these music makers, writers, random people, and get inspired about their stuff. enjoy their creative minds doing stuff they do. being who they are wanting to be honest and trying to be themselves in a fast moving world with new problems living in this country where things seem to be going wrong but no one really notices or feels it yet. 

i have been watching all these classic films too. or classic films of my life the films that were honest when i was a kid. i watched a few films recently that don't have real actors and actresses, but instead just try to tell a story authentically. i like that raw realness. or at least the idea of it. the only real way to feel right is to be right. and its hard in a this world of fakers. we are the century of fakers. 

so i guess its time to run in the wrong direction for a while...

Monday, October 14, 2013


so there is something about neighborhoods in the east that is a truly better than the west. great little spots of migrating crowds of people. to mature communities with similar ethnic traits, similar lifestyle choices, really similar anythings; you could probably correlate color of clothes worn to different neighborhoods in nyc and bk.

the last week has been a bit of nostalgic fun layered with desires from my past.

a great friend came from my younger years to the city where i live now for a week. he was working, so it was kinda like the old days. schooling/working by day. kicking it by night. doing dumb things on the weekend. it was pasthood in the newhood. it was great. we ate endlessly, which is what we do best.

went to the big city to see some old friends. and i realized how bad i am with time. apparently i have not seen these two people for 3 years. it seemed like yesterday the moment i saw them. everything was the same. time apparently didn't make them dissipate from my thoughts. good times with my bad conception of time.

i guess we get caught up with the stuff we are doing. we forget to be cliche because its cliche. how dumb. im cliche and i love it and i wont change it. its walking that fine line where all the good stuff is anyways. enjoy everything dont get caught up in the dullness of life. find the joys in all that is done. even things that are purely structured and inefficient by structural design. all processes have ways of being important. scattered conversations with new people that are cool people change the path of my life every time. its not like i meat a person and instantly change my life. its like this person brings a new idea into this head of mine and changes the way i can think. and that nuanced change in thinking may change my next choice. or my next next choice. and those changes will change my path. and those are the encounters which are so vital to my own happiness. i met at least 4 ppl this weekend whos conversations or observations of the way that they live have changed my thoughts. i have this problem where i keep seeing them in my head playing these mannerisms or playing their intensity of living, that just brings a smile to my face. its like they were so good at being them and living amazingly as them. i love ppl who are good at living as themselves. you know when u meet someone new that just seems like they are good at being them? it makes no sense when i write it, but maybe you can understand when u meet someone who is so bad at being who they are trying to be. well this good one is the opposite of that. and when someone is good at being them, i love it. i love them.

i went to a tiny intimate concert on sat night. brings me back to my youth when shows were frequent. and it was def fun. i enjoyed it a lot. bushwick. what a place.

i normally just read stuff written on walls as like raw advertisements of life you know. like people writing things that they think other ppl will like. but sometimes i read somethingthing that is amazinging.
"drink and don't regret"

and the desires. well my life on paper is boring to anyone who is not me. im sure people think i suck as a person. which i really do according to anyone who is not in my field. because we do suck. but one thing i can assure u is that we usually have a pretty sweet dark satiric humor that stems from being hated. and who doesnt like self deprecation. we also think we are better than everyone else because we are. but before i was this i was something else. my younger years were spent being a meteorologist, geologist, writer, mathematician, and creator of abstract dumb looking things. i imagined the universe all day long where i was a scifi maniac in my head making mobiles and drawings. i was a collector of all rocks, polishing them in my rock tumbler, which is still a prized possession which i think all children should have. actually i think from now on each child that gets a gift from me will get a rock polisher. i wrote crazy stories that made no sense with rambles that mimic my rambling self. when i first learned what a square root was i was so amazed and in awe that i made a square root book. like i just starting listing square roots of every number using a calculator. i dont know where this book is now. and the making of trash. man i loved making ugly stuff. i think im good at making ugly things because i can not make pretty things. my penmanship, my drawing ability, my painting ability. i will not ever beat a 7 year old at these categories. but if you want ugly stuff, i will crush u.

someday my house will be filled with ugly trash i made. its going to be amazing. the person i love told me recently that she wanted to make things to put in our someday house. i hope that happens. because i think she will make pretty things. and i can make ugly things. and somehow we can both think they are ugly and pretty and it will be nice.

Sunday, August 25, 2013


childhood memories, memories, and being a child. I was watching mad men and i am reminded of childhood through sally. I also recently asked my sister a question i had never thought of before, what her first memory of me was. i guess i should be happy with the response because it involves a large animal my favorite noun and my sister. it also awoken name calling that was good. we used to call each other different types of poop. but somehow whale poop was the best one. i felt sad that i never thought to ask her that before. it seems so important, and after learning what that first memory was, it is clear just how important it was. 

i usually dont watch tv. i really try to stay away from it. im like that stuck up kid that thinks tv is bad. i do watch a few things here and there, but i really try to stay away. recently i have been watching more tv than ever, not really sure why. well i think it is because i canceled cable and got a roku with hulu. its not good to have a whole season of shows in front of you. which got me thinking, i have this idea that tv is bad. it always sparks memories and ideas. and maybe it is trying to sell stuff. but i like to buy stuff. i mean reading is great. and it doesnt come with guilt. and it is cool and i can be stuck up saying i read stuff. but is tv really bad? i mean no one can make me think its good. i will continue and probably forever think tv is bad. i will still have one, and i will still watch some. but that i will still think it stinks. i just want to get away from the system. but instead i have placed myself in this place where i an in the system of trying to not be in the system. i guess that is me though.

the person i love sent me a gift. inside were lots of things, notes, candy, vitamins, pens, and notebooks. Today i realized this is the best gift to receive in my place right now. I started a new diary. its more of a me and my day diary. i like to write here because i can look back on it and i like that idea that others can read it and that it will be safe forever. i hate the idea that so many great things were written in my notebooks from school, random notebooks in bags that i carried along my adventures, and i hate that they are there and i wont ever seen them again. i like the idea of writing things to be stored in pages that wont be read again. or probably not read again. although i have tons of notebooks with all kinds of trash written inside in boxes in at my parents house. no one should read that though. they might find out how smart i am. anyways, i started a daily note thing to myself for myself. to track my daily life and what i did that is important. i want it to be for me and only me. which is strange because im not usually like that. i dont like to make things for myself. i like to show off. but i feel like i need that right now. like i need the dinner time "what did you do today" but now it will be the night time "are you proud of your day today"

respectable people amaze me. when i meet someone that i respect its amazing. i feel like it is the reason we live. to find those treasures. and its almost like that is all i ever want. i want to be that person for some other person someday. i want someone to meet me and to feel like they learned something about truth just by a small short encounter. if we spend enough time with someone they will show of their good stuff. but we are all good at something, we are all living things. my real motivation is just to be a good. 

i feel myself wanting to like everything. i want to experience more. the things i thought i didnt like, i want to like. i want to acquire the enjoyment of all things. recently it has been things in the sea. i want to eat all the sea things. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

daily reminder to live

 Many times I go to sleep unhappy, bitter, worried, sick, happy, smiling, laughing, frowning, excited, ready. And so many times I wake up the same ways. But so many times when I am in one of those not so great moods I am reminded of goodness and reminded to be good and to feel good.

This morning it was a truck delivering the morning supply of Thomas Muffins, a food item a friend eats religiously.  Followed by the stretching and morning work out of a grandmother who I saw the previous morning.

It was a view of a familiar item that reminded me of a person who could use a few thoughts. It was the comfort in the familiar grandmother starting her morning the same way she did the day before.

I cant explain why, but without fail I will become more happy anytime I see the same person I saw the previous morning doing the same thing as the previous morning.  The joys of familiarity. The simple symbols my path as I navigate through the roads and streets that I will endlessly get lost in.

Good morning today for today is a nice day to explore.

More intensely.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

another adventure

And another adventures closes...

back from a journey to a place that feels like home although is so foreign. friends that i used to see daily for years only to be separated for years and than being reunited again in a land that was once home. great journeys great adventures and great niceness.

its strange how great friends dont change and do change. we all feel the bond that has always been there and that is great. we all feel like we dont change. but we all do change. and we all change together. its strange how that works. we are changing but it is easy to say we are not because we are friends and we understand how we change and the changes that take place. we change together freely and happily. its really not something that can be explained but it is something that is true.

11 nights and 12 days in the place i was born. 1 day on the west coast. sights and sounds from around. changing ambiance. traveling around and feeling. feeling the differences. knowing the differences. seeing some too. and the smells of different lands. i am excited to live longer. to live deeper. to adventure further. it is strange how right now i am as anxious as ever to continue this adventure and fly higher swim deeper and adventure more intensely.

i told a friend the other day that life is long. he said that is strange, people only tell me life is short. it took me back. he was right people often say life is short. but why? yes i will live today and enjoy today because today is the greatest day i've ever known. but life is long and what is ahead is great and we best be ready to take it on. new adventures are coming.

my mind is scattered always but some things are starting to look clearer. clarity is always nice. but so are scattered thoughts and ideas.

on this walk, for me, the most important thing is to always be searching. and the only thing i can say that i am searching for is truth and honesty. i can not tell u what those things are, but i can tell you how they feel. i will endlessly search for signs of these two things. and these two things drive me to always continue on and to hope that in this long life i can find a lot of realness. lets find it all. lets adventure deeply. lets run sometimes. lets explore endlessly. because the best part of this walk, is that this walk does not end. things that dont end are endless. and endless things dont use time, dont need time. and timeless things are raw. and raw is real. and real can not be seen, felt, smelled, tasted, or heard; because its real.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

first time in a long time...

I normally write when i need to. my brain tells my fingers to type. or my brain tells my hand to make illegible strokes on paper. which are at some later time deciphered and transposed into this place. i decided to make this place along with my earlier word documents and other blogs, liverjournals, and xangas, the place that i want my future unborn son and daughter to learn about me when i was less or more confused by life. I want to remind them that i was confused always too. sometimes i have thought that it would be good to allow them access to my entries as they reach the same date in their lives. for example my first day of university. i want them to read that entry on their first day. i want them to know what i felt like on my 18th birthday  on their 18th birthday. I think this is the greatest gift i can ever give to my future unborn mes.

the real pure uncut honest feelings that were really felt by me made for them. a connection and expression that i can only give them in this way. the only way i know how. the way i want to show them.

somehow my thoughts are longer, they are thinking further. i am not sure if that is because i just went on my first bachelors party trip for one of my closest ants, or because i have started to write two very very important speeches for two people that i will soon witness make the vow to enter the next stage, or a different stage, in the walk through life. As my conversations with close companions mature and continue  I find myself thinking further. I also have come to realize how important certain relationships are, and also how insignificant some are.

A person who I admire deeply once told me, "young boy, someday you will understand that you cannot be friends with everyone, and that you shouldnt want to be. you should chose those who you want to be friends with and not waste your time with some people who aren't worth it." minis the young boy. i added that.

I disagreed, and I explained I would never be that. that i didnt want to be that. and somehow, although not surprisingly seems how she is pretty wise, i feel myself starting to gravitate to this idea. although i still don't want to believe it. and i dont. fully. i feel myself getting closer to that point. i feel myself teetering on the edge.

teetering on the edge. those are the best times in life. the times that mater the most. weather its that moment of do i want to cut my nails today or tomorrow. do i want a grapefruit or a kiwi. do i want to go to another country or do i want to stay here. do i want to go to the other side of the country or not. do i want to go on that trip or not. do i want to make that choice or not. these are the pivotal points in life. a first is coming. i introduced two mutual friends some years ago. they are getting married. and i have realized that the choice they made to play with me on that night changed their paths forever. they could have been teetering too, do i go to that place on this day or do i go to this place. it is sometimes choices. it is sometimes teetering. it is sometimes both. and both of these things mater. and are great. and lead me to ramble for years. and it is for this that i will still be doing this tomorrow.

"i once saw a very happy firefighter." i read that today.

Saturday, February 2, 2013


Sometimes its the small hiatus that makes the big difference. It's a business trip at cape cod, spending the last day driving around and exploring those pieces of pure niceness. somehow looking at the sun collapse onto an unfamiliar body of water is nice and different. refreshing and revitalizing.

this weeks theme has been refreshing. a new place with some nice exploration. i have confirmed that beaches in the winter are number one. summer beaches are lame, seven thousand people on this beach would have been beyond bad. as i drove up to other beaches, flying by the thousand parking spots, to be the only kid watching the sun fall over the water, i could only imagine how horrible that sight would be if i had to share it with some other humans, or seven thousand beings. i want it alone. i want to be alone at that moment watching the scene alone by myself reflecting and being happy that i can share that moment with my self. winter is just so much better. all the crowds are at home watching the sun set on tv. or maybe they are at the gym or in some tropical horridplace along with the seven thousand that will be where i am on this glorious winter day.

strangely enough, only the cool kids showed up to the beach to watch the sun set on a winter day after a storm. those cool kids would be grandparents. pretty cool that at least those types still love the winter and hate people. i like grandparents.

it was a week where things just lined up. snow followed by a super storm to crash the cape. than the last day it all cleared for a glorious day of exploration and trek back home. a voice that was lost from singing too much on the long drive home. a nice feeling of feeling at home in my new home. connecting with people i care about and hearing good news. watching as people i care about and have spent certain time periods with, and seeing them follow their dreams and cross those big crosswalks. it warms me and i cant help but smile.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


as i watched a teammate close out the last set of his match, i heard a peculiar question posed by one 11ish year old boy.

"Dad, are there more bugs in the world or people?"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

dusty time

walking through memories hidden deep inside the many years of travels and adventures, there lie a fair amount of rooms, locations, attics, benches, windows, and tables where dust is collecting. these places wait patiently to be discovered again. they have a thin layer of snow and coldness to preserve them and suspend them in time and space. moments in time that wont go away; that cannot go away. some of them i have tried to erase, others i have tried to hide. some have threads of sun and brightness, others smell of rain and October. all the doors are unlocked. and as my next walk starts and as i continue to travel deeper into time, i still can come back to these places. i will open the door, remove the layers of dust, ice, snow, and rain. i will look out the windows. i will sit on the benches. lay in the rooms. rock in the rocking chairs in the attics. dine at the tables. and than i will close the door behind me, knowing ill be back again someday.

im not a fan of time; or at least age, calendar days, and weeks. i am a fan of the past, future, and now. the last year, or 52 weeks a lot of past has happened. and i think these things will have a lot of meaning for the future. and now i sometimes know its now because of those pasts. i guess all i want to tell myself on this morning of newness in some kind of fashion that i am not a fan of is that its new and its now and there will be more tomorrows and yesterdays and i like that i also like the places that i will constantly re discover weather those places haunt my mind endlessly or brighten my spirits they are my places; my rooms, my locations, my attics, my benches, my windows, and my tables.