Tuesday, May 7, 2013

first time in a long time...

I normally write when i need to. my brain tells my fingers to type. or my brain tells my hand to make illegible strokes on paper. which are at some later time deciphered and transposed into this place. i decided to make this place along with my earlier word documents and other blogs, liverjournals, and xangas, the place that i want my future unborn son and daughter to learn about me when i was less or more confused by life. I want to remind them that i was confused always too. sometimes i have thought that it would be good to allow them access to my entries as they reach the same date in their lives. for example my first day of university. i want them to read that entry on their first day. i want them to know what i felt like on my 18th birthday  on their 18th birthday. I think this is the greatest gift i can ever give to my future unborn mes.

the real pure uncut honest feelings that were really felt by me made for them. a connection and expression that i can only give them in this way. the only way i know how. the way i want to show them.

somehow my thoughts are longer, they are thinking further. i am not sure if that is because i just went on my first bachelors party trip for one of my closest ants, or because i have started to write two very very important speeches for two people that i will soon witness make the vow to enter the next stage, or a different stage, in the walk through life. As my conversations with close companions mature and continue  I find myself thinking further. I also have come to realize how important certain relationships are, and also how insignificant some are.

A person who I admire deeply once told me, "young boy, someday you will understand that you cannot be friends with everyone, and that you shouldnt want to be. you should chose those who you want to be friends with and not waste your time with some people who aren't worth it." minis the young boy. i added that.

I disagreed, and I explained I would never be that. that i didnt want to be that. and somehow, although not surprisingly seems how she is pretty wise, i feel myself starting to gravitate to this idea. although i still don't want to believe it. and i dont. fully. i feel myself getting closer to that point. i feel myself teetering on the edge.

teetering on the edge. those are the best times in life. the times that mater the most. weather its that moment of do i want to cut my nails today or tomorrow. do i want a grapefruit or a kiwi. do i want to go to another country or do i want to stay here. do i want to go to the other side of the country or not. do i want to go on that trip or not. do i want to make that choice or not. these are the pivotal points in life. a first is coming. i introduced two mutual friends some years ago. they are getting married. and i have realized that the choice they made to play with me on that night changed their paths forever. they could have been teetering too, do i go to that place on this day or do i go to this place. it is sometimes choices. it is sometimes teetering. it is sometimes both. and both of these things mater. and are great. and lead me to ramble for years. and it is for this that i will still be doing this tomorrow.

"i once saw a very happy firefighter." i read that today.
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