Monday, December 26, 2011

i guess somethings don't seem right or fair

i came home pretty happy and feeling pretty lucky to be happy about returning to my home. i wrote about not knowing what home was or what it meant or what i thought home should mean. but i feel so lucky to  have a home to be going home to and having happy thoughts about that home. no mater how tainted those thoughts are or how tangled things might be at times; its home and i like home.

on the flight home, i was surrounded by babies. so many babies. a baby behind me kicking my seat. one in front eating some cool organic baby food. and one to my side who was not born the same as the other two. i realized that life is real hard and not predictable. parents want to be the best they can be. naturally we cant be the best. sometimes life is just not fair. sometimes we encounter not fun things. i hate not knowing what to say. i feel like i have been so lucky to not have run into many hard times. i mean of course there has been those not so fun moments in time. but overall, i feel lucky.

but i know a lot of people dealing with hard times. people i love dearly. people who would give anything for me. and they are suffering. and i dont like to see it. and i dont want to see it. and i dont know what to say. i dont know how i would deal with it. and i dont want to pretend to know that i would know what it feels like. or how i would even begin to look at the things they face.

as time consumes my life. as it runs its course and as it takes me from place to place. as life passes me by.

i just try to continue to find the good things. as much as things that i know and witness make me scared of this world. and make me scared of living more. i find the things that make me endlessly hopeful. the iconic scene in my head is the father tying his daughters shoe lace in a parking lot. i dont know why this is so vivid in my mind, but its just that one image that has burned itself in my mind, just as the perfect picture is burned onto the paper in the dark room. that one moment in time that seems like pure bliss. i want that moment to happen to me someday.

today my little 7 year old cousin tied my jacket together. and it was like the reverse of this feeling. i am just happy that i can live with endless hope for moments in time that i will really feel happy. that i will see the hope. the light. and the meaning.

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