Sunday, November 23, 2008

number one

"I will now shut my eyes, stop up my ears, and withdraw all my senses. I will also blot out from my thoughts all images of corporeal things, or rather, since the latter is hardly possible, I will regard these images as empty, false and worthless. And as I converse with myself alone and look more deeply into myself, I will attempt to render myself gradually better known and more familiar to myself."

My time in Washington is up. I have been here since I was a small child, went to pre-school here, elementary school, middle school, high school, and attended university here. That's a lot of school, and two periods in my life are coming to an end, the one where I go to school, and one where I live in Washington. Will I miss it? I guess so. Will I miss the people here, the connections I have made, the serenity, the air, the greens, the mountains, the rain, the gloom, the flashes of sun, the overcast perfect days, the land where perfecting loneliness is easy, a place where its okay to be laid back and easy going, the way the water is choppy on the right of the bridge and calm on the left, the way that the light shines in on my face in the mornings, the way my house smells, the feeling of my bed, the west coast charm, the parking lots; I will miss a lot.

Its not so much about what I will miss, I could paint that picture for years, its more about what those things will mean to me when I really miss them, and can't find them. I wonder what it will be like when I land back down in this place, drive down the 405 and see things that shouldn't be there – that were not there before. It will have changed. I want to take everything I have done here, and learned here, the way of life that seems constant and normal to me, and mix it up. I want to be thrown into craziness, I want to feel uncomfortable and awkward; I want to feel alone in a new world. I want to get lost for a while, and then find things I never knew. I want to feel the cold comfort of the in-between. I want to write a beautiful story, paint a abstract mural, create a sculpture, design the best chair ever, be funny, learn to spell, understand, and be a cool cat.

I am going to leave behind a lot of stuff. My belongings, my friends, my family, my toys, all the things that thus far in life have helped to define me – my style. There is this weird sort of comfort in our home – that place where we store everything familiar. Maybe there is value in what is not familiar, maybe it will be motivating to see new things.

Perspectives are everything, and I need more.

There are some things I do not need more of.

My mother is getting nervous about me leaving. So she constantly gives me all this worldly advice. So this winter break she wants to teach me to spell, she is convinced that this new book she is reading about phonetics is the key to my inability to spell. I told her that at some point she will have to realize that I am a pretty incompetent being, and that some things I will never be good at. She didn't understand.

From these random thoughts of un-useful lists, and memories scattered through my rambled mind and attempts to answer questions of existence, I think I have achieved… nothing. Which might be the best and most complete answer.

On a day near to me, I will be fighting to save the night, fight the break of dawn, watching the log on the fire, wishing for time to stand still, and to save tonight.

~ ~ ~

Thanksgiving is near, December is near, and the Holidays are coming. I like apples again. And celery has become quite tasty. I also love mushrooms. McDonald's value menu has slid down the list, I really want to eat the KFC box meal. I haven't played tennis much at all, and I have been playing more basketball then ever before. The NBA is getting exciting. I have seen a lot of good movies lately. Apparently I listen to the same music I have always listened to. I am like an old attic. I have been amazed recently, surprised, and sometimes feel like an oddball. I think I was a weird kid.

I have trouble sleeping.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like?

Will the rain come? Wash away what once was? Put smiles on my face?

Oh yea… I ran out of shaving cream, its not that fun to run out.

I love the classic crest toothpaste, it's the best.

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