Tuesday, December 25, 2012

reflecting is writing

whenever i have these thoughts of reflect, of looking back on the past, all i can think about is how i can write them. although it may be nice, and may not be nice, if a knew a lot of people read these thoughts, but i know that very very few do. its more of a thing that i do for myself. a reflection that i jot down so i can remember and so that i can share with the people i love the most someday when i love those people enough to want to share what was my past and my past reflections. something that someone once said, a person i respect greatly, said that we never grow up. that we are always growing and the problems of today are always more difficult than the ones from yesterday. even as some of us become parents and even though we think being "grown up" is easy and somehow the teenage angst goes away, i think the growing up angst is stronger, and im scared to think about it, but i bet the parent angst is even stronger.

so what is going on with my head what are the thoughts that i have been needing to write down. the first is something i jotted down in my notepad a while back. its the idea that being in control is lame. its the idea that if we are in control that we know what we are doing that something good happens. that is a lame thought. knowing what we are doing is something i only want when i am 1 hour away from death. maybe even one minute away. with the thought that i know what i am doing i will have no reason to reach for more no reason to keep going no reason to want more. and that is lame, if lame is something that is real.

the next thought i have been really thinking about on the late is the strange something that makes humans, us, think that others are somehow less complicated than we are, I are. I know im crazy and my mind goes places that it should not and maybe a place yours does not. but somehow through this i think that somehow i am going through more than you. and that is silly. you are just as complex and your mind is going places that i can not understand and places i can not comprehend. yet my brain tells me that i am the only one. that i went to places you have not, which is true, but just because i went somewhere you did not go, doesnt mean that you didnt go to a place i have no been. you might laugh but cry inside. you might cry. you might want to cry but cant. i cant know. and that is something that something inside of me tells me that you dont know. but if i take a step back i know that you must have been there. must have been places i have no been. so why is it that we think we are the only ones. we always place us in places that we have only been, thinking that we are the only ones. i know, and know maybe too well, that it is easy to make the world, me against the world. i just am at a stage in life where this is so strange. maybe going along with my last offering, i just dont understand why humans have a hard time understanding. its something that should be natural. yet it is something that is not natural, or at the least, in places it is something that seems unnatural. something we dont want to do. i want to do it. i just wish it was easier sometimes.

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