Saturday, January 10, 2009

number four



"Imagine: inside, in the nerves, in the head - that is, these nerves are there in the brain.... (damn them!) there are sort of little tails, the little tails of those nerves, and as soon as they begin quivering... that is, you see, I look at something with my eyes and they begin quivering, those little tails... and when they quiver, then an image appears... it doesn't appear at once, but an instant, a second, passes... and then something like a moment appears; that is, not a moment - devil take the moment! - but an image; that is, an object, or an action, damn it! That's why I see and then think, because of those tails, not at all because I've got a soul, and that I am some sort of image and likeness. All that is nonsense! Rakitin explained it all to me yesterday, brother, and it simply bowled me over. It's magnificent, Alyosha, this science! A new man's arising - that I understand... And yet I am sorry to lose God!"

Its weird to think about growing up with no biological people around me. Parents that don’t share the same genes. Siblings that don’t look like you. Aunts, uncles, and cousins all of whom don’t share the same biology. How has that shaped who I am as a ryan in this world; I am still unsure. However it is puzzling to think about.

What would it be like to have that other fifty percent or so of shared wavelengths, those moments when one notices similarities between one another, not by chance or upbringing but by shared genes? What is it like to look at ones brother and see the resemblance on their face? Its not saddening for me really, however it does make me wonder…

I guess I have really never thought about such a thing. Many other thoughts which may be correlated to, or similar to have entered my mind and passed, but this specific thought has never entered my thoughts.

I guess most of all I wonder how this shapes my thoughts verses that of another. Never having those moments of similarities must have some impact on how I work as a being. Does it make me more attentive to the feelings of others, constantly looking for similarities? Does it make me come to the understanding that I am indeed different from everyone else, and help to understand these differences? Or does it numb my mind, and dull my senses?

I sincerely want to know for a second what it might feel like to meet someone of similar genes as me. However, maybe it is these differences which have made me who I am now. I am kind of a big fan of mine – I like me.
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