Saturday, August 15, 2009

So the rain has started here, and I really like it. I think I could get used to the warm weather and heavy rains. Its nice to walk around in when u have an umbrella over yourhead, no time constraints, and can just slouch around in the water wearing some slippers. It’s a nice
feeling. It really is. Sometimes its these kinds of situations where the best thoughts seep into my head. Without warning or coherence, its nice to follow them around.

So today I went to a hospital for the first time in my life, when I wasn’t going there for a reason; I had no one to visit who was in the hospital. It’s the oddest place to be in. I cant really explain the feeling but it’s a little like how i feel in airports, its strange and awkward in that you can almost peer into the minds of the passerby’s brains. You know a little bit more about this mass of people then the normal passer by, and if your head is anything like mine, you constantly make up stories about everyone u see. Its just part of my character to try to see everyone and pretend I know them. Its kinda like my new age imaginary friends.

So as I walked around I saw a lot of people. And you could see it in everyone’s eyes a since of the importance of time, and the deep thought, and the narrowed thoughts that were probably running through their heads. It is so strange to me to know so much of what is going on inside the other peoples heads. So it makes me feel really awkward inside. Its just that powerful feeling where u feel like u can read someone u don’t know and will never know’s thoughts. And see there pain, and sorrow, and yet you cant do anything about it. At all. Nothing. That is an awkward feeling of helplessness. Its seeing scars, depression, sadness, tears, fear, hate, all those feelings that are indescribable. Its wanting to wipe them allawayandthennotbeingabletodoanything.

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I arrived about 40 minutes early so I sat in the Hyundai department store where I found a seat to sit and relax. It happened to be in front of the valet parking pick up. So I got to sit and watch many nice cars arrive and the owners drive off. It was a really nice experience. I really haven’t just sat, and watched people in a while.

Grandpa’s wearing topsiders volcom washed out navy shorts and a Burberry polo,
Grandmother’s wearing funky glasses,
Young Wives out with their daughters,
Husbands with their kids,

Time to sit and think while watching other people live a normal Saturday morning.

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I find it funny how different people attack the same problems. How different people want to think, how they do think, what they want to think, how they think they should think, the process in which to think, the right ways to think. I don’t want to think in a way, I want to think incoherently and travel endlessly through the parallel places those thoughts want to take me. Maybe that is all thoughts are, a parallel place which might be more real than this life we are actually thinking in. or of course it could simply be thoughts in some sort of structure which have been imprinted into my brain since entering whatever world this is.

When we are lost and wondering and looking for things, isn’t life nice? I feel like some people want to know everything and pretend to be found, or pretend to not be in search. And maybe they really are found and not looking. But I don’t think I will ever be like that. There is always something to find, always something which is confusing, always a reason to continue to wonder, always something to keep me awake at night, always always always.

Its strange though, I feel like I am growing older. I am not old, nor am I really a young kid anymore. Although I still feel like im 18, and I think I always will. Its some strange mental blockade, whenever someone asks me my age my initial instinct is to say 18, but then I realize I was 18 5 years ago. There I times I want to just be a married man, not really for love because im not sure what that is. But I want to have kids. I want to love them and care for them. And its such a dilemma because cant imagine being ready for that, and I want to do so many things in life that would be more difficult with kids. But I also don’t want to forget to have kids. Or be that oldfartfather. I just want to tie their shoes. I wanna buy them icecream. I want to dress them up in vintage nike clothes, with some vintage nike running shoes on. I want to teach them about life, I want to see their eyes absorb things in that beautifully na├»ve way that only little kids have the ablity to do.

I also want to be really old and wise. Like grandfathers walking around with that sort of confidence in their eyes that is just what it is.

Rambling Sunday thoughts. Sunday mornings are my days of rambles and un-coherent ideas that have been on my mind while I sleep and not know what they mean.
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