why is your pencil in between you red pen and your black pen?

some people ask me why my pencil sits between my black pen and my red pen. some people think it looks funny. other people think its quite illogical for the logical brain which rests in my stomach. but i guess that is just how things are. the way that we like them. and that must be the right way. that way it should be.

not long ago a person asked me if i really think the things that i write. about if these ideas were my ideas. and who i was writing for.

it really took me back i didnt really know how to answer this question. i mean people have asked my why i write my blog and my standard response is to please my super wonderful 1 fan.

but i mean really? is this a real question? why would i write about things that i dont think, or ideas that are not mine. i thought it was quite obvious that i just write a journal kinda thing that makes my mind shut up if i sit down and write what ever my mind is yelling at my in side my peabrain. this is what i first wanted to say, but i felt a bit bad because i didnt know this person that well yet. so i thought about it, how to actually answer this question. in doing this brain exploration inside my head it was a quite insightful experience. i mean why would i write this for other people to see. all i do is talk about what i think, what i see, and more about me. i hardly talk of other people, i cant really teach anyone anything, and i really i dont do much of anything but blah blah blah along beep beep im a jeep.

So why. i think i have been writing some sort of journal thing for as long as i can remember. but my handwriting is horrible. i would think if there is anything that i am good at it is bad handwriting. i should be in the top 1% that along with my spelling ability. so writing in a journal with a lock (which by the way is a dream of mine) never happened. b/c i would write and not be able to read it. so naturally it has always been on the computer. i actually think better when i write on a computer b/c i am that kid. it started on word docs, random other blogs, liver journals, secret blogs, pretty much everything you can think of. but no days, i dont really care if people read what i write and sometimes its kinda fun when people read it. i dont know why i enjoy the fact that others might be reading my crazyness, but i kinda like it.

as to the things i write and why. i guess i write more just because sometimes it keeps me sane. my mind sometimes takes me on a writing extravaganza where it narrates what i should write. for example sometimes, like the previous entry, those were all things that were formulated inside my brain, and they played over and over again inside myself. as if i was narrating my own life for my own entertainment. it was analyzing things over analyzing things and at times just stating things. they really wouldn't stop, it was like my mind was reading a book aloud to myself that my brain wrote. so i wrote them down and jotted them here latter so someday i can look back and remember that moment in time.

for some reason i have this idea that these moments in time where my brain is going a little crazy are important times. like the feelings i had at those moments are real and different and that i should try to capture them some way. like how some people capture art. how the feelings that they have the people and culture around them, are all mashed up and laid out for someone to look at. as if we can trust our eyes anyways real eyes are fake eyes.

at times, and i think if you read much of what i have written or what i will write you will see that there are so many things that i think the world wants me to do, or the things the world tells me are the things that i should do. and then there are the things that i want to do. and i am always confused as to which are the things i want to do and which of the things the world wants me to do. there is this constant tension between them. and this is the game. i want to win, but i have not yet.

so i will continue to share my minds conversations with itself, sometimes it will be just a day where i am sleepy but my mind forces me to ramble, or times when i think of something profound and want to capture it, or times when i want to capture a time when i felt something strange and important. it will often be on rainy days because i love rain because rain triggers this automatic sensor that says ryan you will now write your brains out instantly with no looking back. i have also found that when i am most content i will not write and that is when i know i am failing. contentment is the biggest problem in life. its the more feared thing. and i hate it more then anything else in this megaworld.

last week i ate 5 plums. plums are amazing. i want to eat a raspberry too. do you know why its called a raspberry with a p. well my grandpa knew. he also knew everything. if i asked him a question he would find out. one time i wanted to know about the raspberry and he told me the next day. he had the biggest atlas i had ever seen, along with one of those dictionaries that were heaver then my head. he also could fix everything. and he also claimed that there was only one way do everything including how to wind up a hose and how to paint a house. when he died, he called me into his room, he was in his last few breaths, and the last thing he told me was how to paint a fence.

rawr rawr i want to be a dinosaur.