why is your pencil in between you red pen and your black pen?

some people ask me why my pencil sits between my black pen and my red pen. some people think it looks funny. other people think its quite illogical for the logical brain which rests in my stomach. but i guess that is just how things are. the way that we like them. and that must be the right way. that way it should be.

not long ago a person asked me if i really think the things that i write. about if these ideas were my ideas. and who i was writing for.

it really took me back i didnt really know how to answer this question. i mean people have asked my why i write my blog and my standard response is to please my super wonderful 1 fan.

but i mean really? is this a real question? why would i write about things that i dont think, or ideas that are not mine. i thought it was quite obvious that i just write a journal kinda thing that makes my mind shut up if i sit down and write what ever my mind is yelling at my in side my peabrain. this is what i first wanted to say, but i felt a bit bad because i didnt know this person that well yet. so i thought about it, how to actually answer this question. in doing this brain exploration inside my head it was a quite insightful experience. i mean why would i write this for other people to see. all i do is talk about what i think, what i see, and more about me. i hardly talk of other people, i cant really teach anyone anything, and i really i dont do much of anything but blah blah blah along beep beep im a jeep.

So why. i think i have been writing some sort of journal thing for as long as i can remember. but my handwriting is horrible. i would think if there is anything that i am good at it is bad handwriting. i should be in the top 1% that along with my spelling ability. so writing in a journal with a lock (which by the way is a dream of mine) never happened. b/c i would write and not be able to read it. so naturally it has always been on the computer. i actually think better when i write on a computer b/c i am that kid. it started on word docs, random other blogs, liver journals, secret blogs, pretty much everything you can think of. but no days, i dont really care if people read what i write and sometimes its kinda fun when people read it. i dont know why i enjoy the fact that others might be reading my crazyness, but i kinda like it.

as to the things i write and why. i guess i write more just because sometimes it keeps me sane. my mind sometimes takes me on a writing extravaganza where it narrates what i should write. for example sometimes, like the previous entry, those were all things that were formulated inside my brain, and they played over and over again inside myself. as if i was narrating my own life for my own entertainment. it was analyzing things over analyzing things and at times just stating things. they really wouldn't stop, it was like my mind was reading a book aloud to myself that my brain wrote. so i wrote them down and jotted them here latter so someday i can look back and remember that moment in time.

for some reason i have this idea that these moments in time where my brain is going a little crazy are important times. like the feelings i had at those moments are real and different and that i should try to capture them some way. like how some people capture art. how the feelings that they have the people and culture around them, are all mashed up and laid out for someone to look at. as if we can trust our eyes anyways real eyes are fake eyes.

at times, and i think if you read much of what i have written or what i will write you will see that there are so many things that i think the world wants me to do, or the things the world tells me are the things that i should do. and then there are the things that i want to do. and i am always confused as to which are the things i want to do and which of the things the world wants me to do. there is this constant tension between them. and this is the game. i want to win, but i have not yet.

so i will continue to share my minds conversations with itself, sometimes it will be just a day where i am sleepy but my mind forces me to ramble, or times when i think of something profound and want to capture it, or times when i want to capture a time when i felt something strange and important. it will often be on rainy days because i love rain because rain triggers this automatic sensor that says ryan you will now write your brains out instantly with no looking back. i have also found that when i am most content i will not write and that is when i know i am failing. contentment is the biggest problem in life. its the more feared thing. and i hate it more then anything else in this megaworld.

last week i ate 5 plums. plums are amazing. i want to eat a raspberry too. do you know why its called a raspberry with a p. well my grandpa knew. he also knew everything. if i asked him a question he would find out. one time i wanted to know about the raspberry and he told me the next day. he had the biggest atlas i had ever seen, along with one of those dictionaries that were heaver then my head. he also could fix everything. and he also claimed that there was only one way do everything including how to wind up a hose and how to paint a house. when he died, he called me into his room, he was in his last few breaths, and the last thing he told me was how to paint a fence.

rawr rawr i want to be a dinosaur.

re tracing and tracing

its the routine.

its finishing the book which was bought some day in 11th grade which sat on the bookshelf until many years later when it was finished on the bus bound for mopo where i would teach the 7th grader english who was bound for an american middle school later that month.

its passing by the mother who walked out of the hae jang guk restaurant who was speaking in a recognizable voice.

its the children inside the taekwondo school happily cheering and yelling while walking in the perfect summer night to teach some enlgish.

its watching a curious mother elevate herself on her tippy toes to see over a small guardrail to examine the playground which was under construction while holding the hand of her daughter who was happily licking her lollipop.

its talking about goals and dreams with the 7th grader.

its waiting for the bus which will take me back to shinchon while noticing everything i dont want to see.

its the thrown away kite in the pile of trash.

its the mother jumping rope with her overweight elementary school son.

its walking back to the bus stop to wait for the bus which will take me back to shinchon noticing everything while not wanting to notice anything.

its putting on some music to drown the sounds of the almost perfect summer night in hopes to stop noticing the things which dont need to be noticed.

its walking across the intersection to get back to shinchon where two young women carried away with laughter jumping in place because they were so overcome by that laughter all seen through my eyes while drowned out in the same music which i have always listened to.

its passing the young lady talking on the phone who naively wore her emotions on her face while talking to a loved one. the expressions which no one should see, the expressions which should be saved for her to wear only in the privacy of her own home.

its seeing these things without sound as if life were a stop motion motion picture with the songs which i have always listened to as the soundtrack.

its walking up the stairs where the man who gave me the notebook which was attached the english flyer where this was all written.

its riding the bus from shinchon to the place where i will wake up tomorrow.

its looking on to the places where i ate dinner, the cafe where i was reading after dinner, the bus stop which i stood at this morning, and finally arriving back at the front gate of the place where i will wake up tomorrow all seen while riding the bus retracing my steps of the day in fast forward.

and then its receiving a small notebook attached to a flyer for english academy while on the way to teach the 7th grade boy english where this would all be written on for the first time.

reading books

do you read books?

well these days i read a ton of books. today i read about 20. I read books with my little friends daniel and brian. they are going to be in kindergarten and in 2nd grade this coming September. I dont think i have read more then 10 little kid books since... well when i was a little kid. Its amazing. little kid books are sweet, and sometimes they are better then big kid books.

why? well one thing is that you can read 20 in 1.5 hours, while being a babysitter at the same time. this is key, because you see when i read big kid books sometimes i am either anti social or i never finish the book. with little kid books you always finish and you always win. sometimes they rhyme too. if you havent i recommend going to your little cousins house, your old bookshelf, the library, the local elementary school, garage sale, or lie to your friends and say your pregnant to score some good books as gifts. i like to lie because its fun.

anways. i like to read little kid books. on a more serious note, i am really surprised how much i have learned by interacting with young children so many hours a week. i feel like i am in physiology classes all the time. its really amazing how deep you can see inside a 11 year olds brain in say comparison with a big kid. they are just so naive and they dont try to hide things from your smarter mind. or at least they are bad at hiding things. its fun to see through them, you can judge ones character so spot on, and if your like me and like to make everything a competition, well you always win. b/c you are a big kid and they are not. its amazing to see how their mind works, and especially fun when they think they can trick you. they are so helpless its funny. okay thats a bit mean, but really so interesting to work with little kids 10+ hours a week. its an experience alone that has made being here worthwhile.

well although not sunday morning thoughts, tuesday night thoughts work okay sometimes too. welcome to hump day. another sweet day of the week.

bump on through to the hump of the day that wednesday is for all to bounce with and enjoy.

sunday morning thoughts

if you could enter my brain one day a week, i would recommend sunday mornings. there is something glorious about sunday morning thoughts. they take me back, take me forward, and sometimes tell me to sit still. although i have made a pact with myself to never ever sit still, sometimes on sundays i lie to myself and sit still. i love to lie to myself. even if its just for a moment. on sundays everything is possible. its that day that familys can share, the day when others wrap up and set up for the new, the reflection day, the lazy day, the rainy day, the big newspaper day, the big breakfast day, the sports day, the bbq day, its just well... its sunday. I guess for these reasons and more sunday morning thoughts are winners.

finding things

i like to find things. i want to find more things. do you want to find things? do you want to find things with me? would you like me to help you find things? do you want to help me find things? what is better then finding things? do you like to hide things and find things later? do you like to loose things? do you like to find things that were not lost? do you want to help me hide things and find them later? do you want me to ask my friend to help you find things? do you somethings ask animals to help you find things? what animal is the best at finding things? do you think aliens are good at finding things? what if nothing was ever lost... then i could never experience the act of finding things. i do not like that thought.

i met someone

today i met someone.

i asked her how old she was, she said she had about 63 years left

i like meeting people.

lets remove something -- i dont want to add anymore

what if the world existed just as it does today but i removed all the mirrors in the world? when you went to buy a new t shirt you could not look in the mirror. when you wanted to check your teeth for fun stuff stuck on them, sorry you cant. when you wanted to look inside ur brain through a mirror image of yourself, again... nahp.

would the world be much different? Sure you could use a still lake or puddle to see yourself, and yes of course there are many ways to see yourself. but lets just eliminate mirrors.

If i could remove one material object/thing in this world i would remove mirrors. what would you remove?