a snapshot in my mind

i was driving to the sandwich store to buy a few sandwiches. i like sandwiches. i stopped at a light and was kinda sad to see that the crosswalk light said walk and i had to wait for some people to walk by. to my surprise a father holding his little girls hand come running across my viewfinder. the girl sticks out her hand to say wait and thank you as she zooms by. the father mimics his daughter and then smile and laugh as they run across the street. tracing behind them is the wife and the mother with the look of happiness on her face. its this kind of confidence that can only be seen. that look on their faces. that innocence. It made me smile. if i was a painter i would paint this picture and it would be great. instead im gonna write about it here so i can revisit that snapshot in my memory another day.

what else you would be good at...

"life is amazing. It's interesting that there is a whole science to the way everything works."

its interesting to see how fast our minds can change. we can really desire and really want something now, and for the last 27 hours, but that can change almost instantly. the same can happen to something that has been wanted for 27 years. i am constantly thinking about what else i would be good at. im already pretty amazing at a lot of things, but i want to know what else i might be good at. what else i could be good at.

its strange because recently i have been thinking about how important it is to practice one thing over and over and over again in order to get better at it. the more time spent in, the sicker your going to be. and we all want to be down with the sickness and get trapped in the wrath of the darkness which we create with our hands and heads.

these days however, it seems that knowing a little bit about everything is just as sick. people being famous for being famous, ethnographers known for being everywhere shooting everything. just being versed in life is interesting and amazing. would it be cool to be that kid. that person that just knows everything that just knows that many cool cats.

would you want to be the art history kid that knows a bit about all art? or that art history guru of that one famous cat. you know the everything about that cat. both would be pretty nice. and like many things outside this world we can't have both. we can focus on that one thing for our lives and be the sickest. or we could focus on nothing and everything and be that kinda sick.

then again if i am looking at music, i think its pretty sick to be good at it all. looking at the two cats i like a lot, they both play a lot of instruments. they both record lawyering themselves in order to get that band like feel.

i used to think that i wanted to be the amazing that knows all amazing things. but more and more i want to be the amazing in that small amazing area. either way i will be sick. and i will have the darkness for your mind.

When things that usually go wrong go right its a sign

of sweet times.

if you know me, im as good with directions as i am with spelling. today i had to register my car. I recently bought a new one, and i had to transfer the ownership b/c it was used, and so i had to get an emissions test and register the car in my name. How do i get to the emissions office and to the department of vehicle registration in one try? and no wait at eater place. i am an amazing human being. I won the game today. an issaquah was very beautiful this morning. patches of fog flowing over the the forest and floating above the water.

on the other hand, i bought a tape deck adapter so i could listen to my ipod i just want to listen to bbiribbom bberibbom. but i lost that game. i have a cd player.

also i am seeing a lot of shadows again. people always tell me this is a bad thing. like as if im gonna go crazy. i just see all kids of things. shapes turn into people. usually dead people. sometimes they are just shadows of people, no vivid colors but a few earth shades. these days they dont startle me, they just appear sometimes.

im starting to miss a lot of things as well.

sometimes i wish i had one of those cool blog lines to end things with. other times i dont.

getting older and having questions

sometimes i scared of the next step. i'm never sure what is next and what should be next. Also i dont know if what is next is the right next.

right now i am pretty happy. its funny, the things that i thought would make me happy are not exactly what i think will make me happy anymore. its strange i realized im just as greedy if not more greedy then everyone else. i have this bad habit of putting myself higher then a lot of people, not like specific people, but just higher then your avg man. just a little manlier then the avg man. just a little bit more moral then your moral lion. i used to think i had to be distressful, whatever that is anyways. is it so when someone says mr. ryan what is your job, I can wow them with something they dont understand? I never wanted to say im a doctor. i did once want to say i was a lawyer but that was when i was in 5th grade. i think i would be a good archeologist. maybe i should have keept polishing rocks. at this point teaching kids is actually pretty fun. it is rewarding, and talking to kids everyday is, iunno more mind opening then i could have ever imagined.

I think soon, i will be off to more school somewhere more prestigious then my undergrad days. lets build that resume where i can tell people hey im pretty cool and not so avg. then get a cool job. some people get jobs b/c their parents want them to carry that prestige, but not me. my parents would be happy with anything that i was doing grated it was legal and morally correct in the eyes of my mother.

i spend to much fighting the system. we want to be that something else, that person that is not in the system. there is so much reward for being ahead of the system. like remember when that kid who is dressed slightly funny? then in 6 months he is the coolest kid ever? that was me. but im sure you have seen one before too. that is being ahead of the system. but still in the system; a predictor of that system. cool huh? or how about the ones that are not in the system at all and just always strange. they all help to define the system. we have to be aware of that system, and then we gotta tango with it (im gonna steal that). tangos are not fun, and really just shouldnt be around. unless you want to tango with me b/c im better then you and i will win.

the problems

in the road was a black piece of plastic. a passing car ran over it once. a boy named luka picked it up. it now rests on the top shelf of the bookcase in luka's library.

xmas lights and what they mean

So as i was driving home tonight, i was thinking a small amount as i passed houses with nice lights and slightly nice lights. I wonder what drives people to put up lights for xmas.

i was wondering if people who put up a lot of lights were generally better parents then those who didnt. assuming similar religious values. i guess money goes into that as well, but neighborhoods generally have similar income levels. i find it a little funny that dads will kinda self judge themselves verses the other dads of the neighborhood based on light amazinginess. even creativity. like just getting one of those huge blow up santa clauses, although a nice wow factor might be there, is it creative and respectable?

in one of the newer developments where a lot of new familys with young kids have moved in, have these huge santas. I thought it was pretty cool, until i saw one on every block. icicle lights? cool? im not sure what is cool and whats not. im not so sure i will ever even want to put up lights. maybe its better to teach our kids to conserve energy and not put up plastic lights.

maybe i should conduct a study one lights and successfulness of people who grew up in lighted houses vs not. or even large santaed houses vs just lighted houses.

do you go xmas light hunting on the eve of the big day? is there some cool ones?

get excited

I like people who can make me excited for the next chapter in my life. not many can do it, but there are those select few people who i know who always make me happy to see what might come next for me. I am pretty eternally thankful to a few people who never fail to share interesting words with me. they put things in perspective and challenge me to think more. they also probably know me a little too well, and tell me the things which i hide in the attics of my brain. but sometimes that is a good thing too. lets all get excited for that tomorrow, or for looking at the things in the attics.