changes

i dont feel like im very old, but i think i am finally at that stage where i feel younger then i am. i have to tell myself to be less playful and more serious. i dont want to do this. i really dont. but i think its time that i start thinking that way. 

just kidding. im gonna keep playing. keep dreaming. and keep chasing the fun in life. sorry. im just a chaser. im going to keep running and chasing until there is nothing left, or until i win.

transparency

the ability to see something is nice and good.

although i like interesting things. and interesting things are usually things that are not transparent. it is sometimes strange that transparent things are interesting. someone who might be completely transparent would be an honest thing. that honest thing might not be interesting. but if a tree were transparent it would be honest and amazingly interesting.

in our actions we can be transparent living creatures of this place. with endless wrongs going around us. with truth being manipulated constantly. would it be nice to have a some transparency? where things would just be done with honesty. everything would be visible. complete transparency.

is this wish for something uninteresting?  probably. in that case just send me a transparent tree so that i can gaze at it endlessly and forever.

rain is transparent. and i like rain. rain also washes away the film that covers this place. it can lead to a new start. after rain are clear skies. rain helps other living things grow. i wonder if rain would feed transparent trees? would transparent creatures thirst upon transparent rain? would a nice raspberry burst with transparent juice? if there was transparency we wouldn't have to rely on our scenes. scenes are just trying to see through things anyways. they just try to uncover that filth that sticks to the world with its deep manipulation and falsehoods. we are going to need a lot of rain to wash that filth from this place.

i like the sneeches. they put stars on there bellies and then remove them. once day stars on the bellies are the way to go. the next stars upon the belly are the wrong way. send me a star removing machine. and send me a star making machine. i will need both.

and a clear raspberry.

and a transparent tree.

and some water.

on the edge

Sometimes...

Sometimes its strange what we remember. The conversations we remember. the people we remember. the thoughts that ran through our heads. We can't seem to understand why certain things are important. Yet, I have such vivid memories of somethings.

I think i will always remember this. The speech I heard from a classmate during my 3rd year of undergrad. She stood brave in front of the class talking about how she felt as if she was teetering on the edge. She had not fallen off the other side, yet she was not on stable ground. She talked about the struggle to stay on the right side, the struggle of not falling, the constant battle which she had to stay right and do the right thing.

I think this is what makes some of us great. We never lose focus on that thing. We teeter constantly, but we do not fall. We stay true. We keep striving to do the right thing. We know that sometimes we have to sacrifice a lot to do the right thing,. Sometimes we just have to give up a little bit of the things that we want in order to do the right thing.

I know I strive to teeter longer. I know that I have almost fallen many times. But I also know that I don't want to fall into the darkness. I want to stay well, I want to be proud of the life that I will live. Now and in the future I want to stay teetering, stay challenged, and stay ready to take on the next step of the way. Every time I want to be reminded of the hard times when we might not know how to act.

I want to just be happy with all the choices I make. I want to just be able to look back on the choices which I have made along the way and be able to relive my life with a smile.

I just want to smile. a lot. and sometimes.

here we go

i like being in this new place.
i like meeting new people.
i like meeting new nice minds.
i like learning in this kind of setting again.
i like walking around new places endlessly.
i like not knowing what tomorrow will be like.
i like getting lost all over this city.
i like the youngness of this place.

i just hope i can find my place in this place.

Boston

Oh man.... Boston time.

So far i like it. we have fake hurricanes. grocery stores have price per unit of everything. i know how much orbit gum costs per 100 pieces. they dont like coffee without alcohol in it. pizza places are as common as cafes. there are no cafes. there is wi-fi in bars and pizza places. i need to study with a beer not a coffee.

i am already excited for winter. its a bit hot right now. but i am okay with it knowing that fall is just around the corner. I also feel like i went back in time slightly. I am in a classroom. I like that. I haven't been in a lecture hall since 2008.

So, maybe i am way off, but i think people in boston drink as many beers during the day as a person in seattle drinks coffee. the day i arrived i went to brunch with a friend and a bunch of her friends. seems how i flew out on the red eye, and i somehow lucked boxed my way to Boston on time, i was a little tired. i ordered a double espresso and a sandwich. the waitress asked me what shot i wanted in it, and i was confused. she asked again if i was sure i didn't want any bailys or anything. first cup of coffee of the day. i guess here i should just wake up with some blood and mary's.

well this post is pretty boring. way to informative and not interesting. but i should probably try to do something constructive from the futon of the living room of this apartment.

strange emotions

these days i feel like something strange has set over me. i am filled with emotions that are foreign to me. i feel some sort of teenage emotional angst, yet its not quite that. its just that i am filled with emotion with ease. i watch a movie and tears fill my eyes. i watch sports and can feel the compassion more so then ever before.

i am getting ready to make a big move again. across the country this time. time to leave the west coast. time to embark on a new school of thought. a new way of life. make some new friends. find myself in a new surrounding. i am excited and scared and emotional.

i guess i will be needing a magical pineapple to ready my mind for the new stage.

embarking on my past lives

as i move through life, being in new places, spending time with different people, working with different people, in different environments, doing new things, smiling in new locations.

i can't help but feel like im standing on some cusp. somehow i knew previously that my future still had a lot of variety in it. but right now i can feel some sort of end coming. i will start school again at the end of this month and i will be tracked into the area i want to be in. i will have a career. i will have a pretty defined area of work. i hope to still have a lot of crazy opportunities left in life, and i hope to live in some pretty crazy places. yet still, i somewhat know what i will be doing for a while.

knowing that i am about to climb over that cusp makes everything seem so much better. i am working with kids for the next three weeks and waking them up every morning. making them brush their teeth. seeing these naive innocent minds at work. this is something i will miss a lot. i feel truly lucky to have gotten time to share with so many children over the past 3 years. its been great and i know i will miss it so much. there is something about being around these little minds that is eye opening. i hope i can translate that energy into something in the future.

i guess i just want to remember these times. i want to know what it feels like to be in this moment right now. because i will soon be surrounded by suits. and i might have one too.

some people call me childish.

i like to throw rocks.

sometimes i like to sleep in the sun with rocks on my belly and eyes and mouth.

and these are my random monday morning thoughts.