famous

if i ever become famous successful and amazing. i am going to give it all up and live in a winter wonderland. or under a bee hive. or under the ocean. is it strange that the only reason i would want be famous and successful is so that i could give it all up. thats my dream in life.

i heard

D: What other plane can there be for the maker?

B: Logically none. yet I speak of an art turning from it in disgust, weary of puny exploits, weary of pretending to be able, of bing able, of doing a little better the same of thing, of going a little further along a dreary road.

D: and preferring what?

B: the expression that there is nothing to express, nothing with which to express, nothing from which to express, no power to express, no desire to express, together with the obligation to express.

D: but that is violently extreme and personal point of view, of no help to us in the matter of tal coat.

B: ---

d: perhaps that is enough for today.

----

That feeling that you get when u finish a book. where u just sit in disbelief that it is over. that that place you got lost in for a while is now gone. a lifetime lost. then its on to the next one. i like that feeling after you finish. although describing makes it seem like a bad feeling. its a good one. i am crazy words.

the places we have been

its funny to look back. all those places we have been. the places that felt right that were not so right. the things that seemed odd but were straight.

more then looking back its interesting to look at kids and see the things that they will look back at. i can see it with my reminisced mind and know how it might look to them when they reminisce it on the eve of there 25th. today she told me "i am had a living in the united states revelation"; meaning that she is ready to have a more positive outlook. shes 11 years old. im a little moved. she reminds me a lot of myself. she questions a lot. she also knows all the right things to say, and she always knows when she has made a mistake and justifies it well. shes a little to observant and perceptive. it scares me.

perception is bad.

i wish i could give some of mine away.

i also with i was 11.

a snapshot in my mind

i was driving to the sandwich store to buy a few sandwiches. i like sandwiches. i stopped at a light and was kinda sad to see that the crosswalk light said walk and i had to wait for some people to walk by. to my surprise a father holding his little girls hand come running across my viewfinder. the girl sticks out her hand to say wait and thank you as she zooms by. the father mimics his daughter and then smile and laugh as they run across the street. tracing behind them is the wife and the mother with the look of happiness on her face. its this kind of confidence that can only be seen. that look on their faces. that innocence. It made me smile. if i was a painter i would paint this picture and it would be great. instead im gonna write about it here so i can revisit that snapshot in my memory another day.

what else you would be good at...

"life is amazing. It's interesting that there is a whole science to the way everything works."

its interesting to see how fast our minds can change. we can really desire and really want something now, and for the last 27 hours, but that can change almost instantly. the same can happen to something that has been wanted for 27 years. i am constantly thinking about what else i would be good at. im already pretty amazing at a lot of things, but i want to know what else i might be good at. what else i could be good at.

its strange because recently i have been thinking about how important it is to practice one thing over and over and over again in order to get better at it. the more time spent in, the sicker your going to be. and we all want to be down with the sickness and get trapped in the wrath of the darkness which we create with our hands and heads.

these days however, it seems that knowing a little bit about everything is just as sick. people being famous for being famous, ethnographers known for being everywhere shooting everything. just being versed in life is interesting and amazing. would it be cool to be that kid. that person that just knows everything that just knows that many cool cats.

would you want to be the art history kid that knows a bit about all art? or that art history guru of that one famous cat. you know the everything about that cat. both would be pretty nice. and like many things outside this world we can't have both. we can focus on that one thing for our lives and be the sickest. or we could focus on nothing and everything and be that kinda sick.

then again if i am looking at music, i think its pretty sick to be good at it all. looking at the two cats i like a lot, they both play a lot of instruments. they both record lawyering themselves in order to get that band like feel.

i used to think that i wanted to be the amazing that knows all amazing things. but more and more i want to be the amazing in that small amazing area. either way i will be sick. and i will have the darkness for your mind.

When things that usually go wrong go right its a sign

of sweet times.

if you know me, im as good with directions as i am with spelling. today i had to register my car. I recently bought a new one, and i had to transfer the ownership b/c it was used, and so i had to get an emissions test and register the car in my name. How do i get to the emissions office and to the department of vehicle registration in one try? and no wait at eater place. i am an amazing human being. I won the game today. an issaquah was very beautiful this morning. patches of fog flowing over the the forest and floating above the water.

on the other hand, i bought a tape deck adapter so i could listen to my ipod i just want to listen to bbiribbom bberibbom. but i lost that game. i have a cd player.

also i am seeing a lot of shadows again. people always tell me this is a bad thing. like as if im gonna go crazy. i just see all kids of things. shapes turn into people. usually dead people. sometimes they are just shadows of people, no vivid colors but a few earth shades. these days they dont startle me, they just appear sometimes.

im starting to miss a lot of things as well.

sometimes i wish i had one of those cool blog lines to end things with. other times i dont.

getting older and having questions

sometimes i scared of the next step. i'm never sure what is next and what should be next. Also i dont know if what is next is the right next.

right now i am pretty happy. its funny, the things that i thought would make me happy are not exactly what i think will make me happy anymore. its strange i realized im just as greedy if not more greedy then everyone else. i have this bad habit of putting myself higher then a lot of people, not like specific people, but just higher then your avg man. just a little manlier then the avg man. just a little bit more moral then your moral lion. i used to think i had to be distressful, whatever that is anyways. is it so when someone says mr. ryan what is your job, I can wow them with something they dont understand? I never wanted to say im a doctor. i did once want to say i was a lawyer but that was when i was in 5th grade. i think i would be a good archeologist. maybe i should have keept polishing rocks. at this point teaching kids is actually pretty fun. it is rewarding, and talking to kids everyday is, iunno more mind opening then i could have ever imagined.

I think soon, i will be off to more school somewhere more prestigious then my undergrad days. lets build that resume where i can tell people hey im pretty cool and not so avg. then get a cool job. some people get jobs b/c their parents want them to carry that prestige, but not me. my parents would be happy with anything that i was doing grated it was legal and morally correct in the eyes of my mother.

i spend to much fighting the system. we want to be that something else, that person that is not in the system. there is so much reward for being ahead of the system. like remember when that kid who is dressed slightly funny? then in 6 months he is the coolest kid ever? that was me. but im sure you have seen one before too. that is being ahead of the system. but still in the system; a predictor of that system. cool huh? or how about the ones that are not in the system at all and just always strange. they all help to define the system. we have to be aware of that system, and then we gotta tango with it (im gonna steal that). tangos are not fun, and really just shouldnt be around. unless you want to tango with me b/c im better then you and i will win.