eating

eating is such a strange thing.

what do you do with things you like? maybe it is more natural then strange when we are young, and that at some point it becomes strange. when u see little kids eat things on the ground. putting everything they seem to enjoy in their mouth. maybe that is natural. we put what we like in our mouth to taste it and enjoy it and make it enter our bodies. but then at some point in time, we start to put things we like on shelves. we look at them. we might think about them. we might play with them. they might go in boxes and stay put away in barns in our backyards. or things that look like barns. as we get older, eating changes somehow. some of us become a word that i hate "foodies". if we have money we might spend time in nice restaurants. if we are too cool for that we might travel to hole in the wall places that we can lie to ourselves and call our special place or a cooler place because we are cooler then you. many people battle with eating issues. some of us claim to work out to eat. some of us eat to survive. no mater what food turns into for us as we age, it is not the same as the slightly stranger or maybe slightly more normal idea that we put things we like in our mouths. some people might face stranger or normaler ways of not eating animals or not eating unnatural things. some people might chose not to eat. i remember when i was old enough to know what dirty meant, i would still have the urge to put things i like in my mouth. sometimes i would do it knowing it was gross. some adults or at least older people still put things in their mouths. like tennis trophies. i like that. if i won a big tennis trophy that meant a lot i would want to put it in my stomach. or at least taste it. some people find comfort in cooking. some people find enjoyment in creating food for others. some people just love to eat nice food with nice people. some people lack taste buds or good ones and that might be sad or not sad. some food costs more. sometimes dirty foods taste nice. some people thing other peoples food is strange. what do you do with things you enjoy and like? i think i will try putting more things i like in my mouth again. i like rocks. maybe i should eat some. maybe that is why there is rock candy. for people who like rocks and therefore want to eat rocks. but dont want to die.

untitled

the places we end up in are unpredictable and great. somehow things end up right. they don't always. but that is the only way i can get from the places i have been to where i am now. and i can only hope that the places i will go are right and nice. when they are wrong then can we fix them? i am not sure about the answer to that question. but i do know that some things are not fixable. some things have no reason.some things are ending. we cant take back an end. it is the end. we can't fix the end. so the only thing i can really want is to go somewhere that doesnt end yet. and when the end comes i hope that all the non-end places i have been are good and nice. if all the non-ending places are good and nice then the ending place will be good and nice. i think. or at least most of the non-ending places are nice? at least half? one third? how about one? i am going to go with sometimes. it was cold today and i like the cold. it also snowed today. i like the snow. it also rained. i like the rain. it was dark cold rainy and snowy. that is a good non-ending place.

sporadic fun times with you and your mind and a piece of imaginary paper

random thoughts on a firday afternoon.

i think i have a new hero. i like meeting people that are heroic. that have done things their way and made a lifetime of stories. its just refreshing to encounter these people.

i saw a drawing today. it was a family kinda like mine. 3 kids. two parents. there were two boys and one girl. but in this drawing the girl was the oldest and there were two little boys running around. i have never thought about what it would have been like if me and my brother were the younger ones... would it have been fun?

i realize that my mind changes so much. but there are a few threads in the clothes that i wear that never change. i will always like earth tones. and i will always want to live the way that i picture life in my head. in the end. i just want to be able to write a book about my life that i would be willing to read eight times. if it is good enough to read eight times, i think ill be content and ready for my next life as a frog.

on fridays what are fun things to do? when i was little i think it was a time to eat out. watch movies. not sleep at eight o' clock. maybe play games. prolly bother my sister and brother until i got in trouble or they were so mad that i started to feel bad. at one point it was float night at the local swimming pool. with dairy queen to follow. it was going to cold beaches at night at another point. it was meeting too many people i didnt want to meet or really want to be friends with. now its just the day that seems peaceful and restless. as much as i love my fridays i resent them. fridays that involve singing are the best. actually singing is the best. i wish i was good at it.

a short story about a rock

one day i was walking along a rocky beach. i had no shoes on.i enjoyed feeling the rocks under my feet. i scanned the beach for the perfect rock. i would stop and pick up many, but none would be the perfect rock. some would fit nicely in my hand. some looked nice. some smelled good. some tasted nice. but none were perfect. 

i think sometimes rocks find their owners. 

i think sometimes i need to walk on that rocky beach for a long time. maybe a lifetime of endless walking and searching will lead me to perfection in a rock. finding perfection is something that i can not give up on. i won't sit still. i have to find the truth and the perfection. if there is a perfect rock, i will find it. i have to find it. and i have to eat it. 

thinking big

so we are this generation of younger people. each generation faces problems. and each generation adds something. slowly or maybe quickly generations are working together across the world to add value to the world which we tend to like living in. just looking at our generation and how we can help america, i wonder what choices will make this place better. we are the most diverse generation yet. we have the best technology available to us. god-like technology in fact. it has been pointed out to me that our generation has this godlike technology but old silly thoughts. i guess that gap is something that has always existed though.

i have always been one of those kids that didnt think he could make a difference. the one that didnt need to play with politics. that kid that hated watching the news because it only made his mother and his grandmother worry endlessly. now somehow i have transformed into someone who finds himself wanting to know more and more about the world he has been desperately trying to ignore. the people who write the books that i enjoy reading are telling me that my generation needs to go back to some basics and read more. we need to gain more understanding about the world we are living in. and we need to show more compassion and we need to be nice. if we could all just be a bit nicer and smarter we might have a better america. i want a better america. i hope our generation shines through and does some wonderful things. wonderful things are nice and sound lovely.

im kinda sick. and my hands might be shaking a little bit. im not sure how my head is working. but these are the words that fell out of my head on this night. this is a picture that was taken some summers ago. a smart little girl collected some objects from the beach and made an upside down word that might be important.

important times

i wanted to write about something serious. and i started to do that. i got pretty far. but it wasn't that fun. so instead i will write about when i used to stay awake dreaming about the things i loved. 

when i was scared in bed as most little children are at some point in time, i would think about going to a seattle mariners game. i would think about being next to my father. i would be eating peanuts. i would watch in awe as Griffey took the field. and i would be happy and dream about the next time i would be able to go to a game. 

when i wasn't scared. i would dream about soccer. i would play the whole game out in my head. i would dream about what i wanted to improve in. i would think about how i would be a better player. i would visualize it in my mind over and over again.and it was these thoughts that kept me awake deep into the night. after soccer there was tennis. i would do the same thing. i got better at both things. i also lost a lot of sleep thinking about getting better at these things. as with all things we want to be good at, i would have hard times. i would fail sometimes. and i would have to try harder. staying awake thinking about the things that i wanted to be better at lasted until some point in high school. although i can not recall the exact point in time when i stopped, this sensation has been missing for sometime. of course there were distractions. sometimes you would stay up thinking about a girl you were crushing on. or maybe a kid you wanted to beat up. or maybe about a weekend trip that was going to be fun. but life came down to getting better at the things i wanted to be good at. 

now it seems that the things that keep me up at night could possibly worse then the things i was scared of when i was a kid. i wish all i had to worry about was the boogie man entering from my window and eating my brain. now i have moved on to scarier times. i worry that i will eat my own brain and that is far more scary you see. if you have some time come read me a richard scarry book. i think that would help.  

on the refrigerator

there is a magnet that says

"do one thing everyday that scares you"

a nice lady once said this.

what will I do today that scares me?

and you?