first time in a long time...

I normally write when i need to. my brain tells my fingers to type. or my brain tells my hand to make illegible strokes on paper. which are at some later time deciphered and transposed into this place. i decided to make this place along with my earlier word documents and other blogs, liverjournals, and xangas, the place that i want my future unborn son and daughter to learn about me when i was less or more confused by life. I want to remind them that i was confused always too. sometimes i have thought that it would be good to allow them access to my entries as they reach the same date in their lives. for example my first day of university. i want them to read that entry on their first day. i want them to know what i felt like on my 18th birthday  on their 18th birthday. I think this is the greatest gift i can ever give to my future unborn mes.

the real pure uncut honest feelings that were really felt by me made for them. a connection and expression that i can only give them in this way. the only way i know how. the way i want to show them.

somehow my thoughts are longer, they are thinking further. i am not sure if that is because i just went on my first bachelors party trip for one of my closest ants, or because i have started to write two very very important speeches for two people that i will soon witness make the vow to enter the next stage, or a different stage, in the walk through life. As my conversations with close companions mature and continue  I find myself thinking further. I also have come to realize how important certain relationships are, and also how insignificant some are.

A person who I admire deeply once told me, "young boy, someday you will understand that you cannot be friends with everyone, and that you shouldnt want to be. you should chose those who you want to be friends with and not waste your time with some people who aren't worth it." minis the young boy. i added that.

I disagreed, and I explained I would never be that. that i didnt want to be that. and somehow, although not surprisingly seems how she is pretty wise, i feel myself starting to gravitate to this idea. although i still don't want to believe it. and i dont. fully. i feel myself getting closer to that point. i feel myself teetering on the edge.

teetering on the edge. those are the best times in life. the times that mater the most. weather its that moment of do i want to cut my nails today or tomorrow. do i want a grapefruit or a kiwi. do i want to go to another country or do i want to stay here. do i want to go to the other side of the country or not. do i want to go on that trip or not. do i want to make that choice or not. these are the pivotal points in life. a first is coming. i introduced two mutual friends some years ago. they are getting married. and i have realized that the choice they made to play with me on that night changed their paths forever. they could have been teetering too, do i go to that place on this day or do i go to this place. it is sometimes choices. it is sometimes teetering. it is sometimes both. and both of these things mater. and are great. and lead me to ramble for years. and it is for this that i will still be doing this tomorrow.

"i once saw a very happy firefighter." i read that today.

Hiatus

Sometimes its the small hiatus that makes the big difference. It's a business trip at cape cod, spending the last day driving around and exploring those pieces of pure niceness. somehow looking at the sun collapse onto an unfamiliar body of water is nice and different. refreshing and revitalizing.

this weeks theme has been refreshing. a new place with some nice exploration. i have confirmed that beaches in the winter are number one. summer beaches are lame, seven thousand people on this beach would have been beyond bad. as i drove up to other beaches, flying by the thousand parking spots, to be the only kid watching the sun fall over the water, i could only imagine how horrible that sight would be if i had to share it with some other humans, or seven thousand beings. i want it alone. i want to be alone at that moment watching the scene alone by myself reflecting and being happy that i can share that moment with my self. winter is just so much better. all the crowds are at home watching the sun set on tv. or maybe they are at the gym or in some tropical horridplace along with the seven thousand that will be where i am on this glorious winter day.

strangely enough, only the cool kids showed up to the beach to watch the sun set on a winter day after a storm. those cool kids would be grandparents. pretty cool that at least those types still love the winter and hate people. i like grandparents.

it was a week where things just lined up. snow followed by a super storm to crash the cape. than the last day it all cleared for a glorious day of exploration and trek back home. a voice that was lost from singing too much on the long drive home. a nice feeling of feeling at home in my new home. connecting with people i care about and hearing good news. watching as people i care about and have spent certain time periods with, and seeing them follow their dreams and cross those big crosswalks. it warms me and i cant help but smile.

conversations

as i watched a teammate close out the last set of his match, i heard a peculiar question posed by one 11ish year old boy.

"Dad, are there more bugs in the world or people?"

dusty time

walking through memories hidden deep inside the many years of travels and adventures, there lie a fair amount of rooms, locations, attics, benches, windows, and tables where dust is collecting. these places wait patiently to be discovered again. they have a thin layer of snow and coldness to preserve them and suspend them in time and space. moments in time that wont go away; that cannot go away. some of them i have tried to erase, others i have tried to hide. some have threads of sun and brightness, others smell of rain and October. all the doors are unlocked. and as my next walk starts and as i continue to travel deeper into time, i still can come back to these places. i will open the door, remove the layers of dust, ice, snow, and rain. i will look out the windows. i will sit on the benches. lay in the rooms. rock in the rocking chairs in the attics. dine at the tables. and than i will close the door behind me, knowing ill be back again someday.

im not a fan of time; or at least age, calendar days, and weeks. i am a fan of the past, future, and now. the last year, or 52 weeks a lot of past has happened. and i think these things will have a lot of meaning for the future. and now i sometimes know its now because of those pasts. i guess all i want to tell myself on this morning of newness in some kind of fashion that i am not a fan of is that its new and its now and there will be more tomorrows and yesterdays and i like that i also like the places that i will constantly re discover weather those places haunt my mind endlessly or brighten my spirits they are my places; my rooms, my locations, my attics, my benches, my windows, and my tables.

reflecting is writing

whenever i have these thoughts of reflect, of looking back on the past, all i can think about is how i can write them. although it may be nice, and may not be nice, if a knew a lot of people read these thoughts, but i know that very very few do. its more of a thing that i do for myself. a reflection that i jot down so i can remember and so that i can share with the people i love the most someday when i love those people enough to want to share what was my past and my past reflections. something that someone once said, a person i respect greatly, said that we never grow up. that we are always growing and the problems of today are always more difficult than the ones from yesterday. even as some of us become parents and even though we think being "grown up" is easy and somehow the teenage angst goes away, i think the growing up angst is stronger, and im scared to think about it, but i bet the parent angst is even stronger.

so what is going on with my head what are the thoughts that i have been needing to write down. the first is something i jotted down in my notepad a while back. its the idea that being in control is lame. its the idea that if we are in control that we know what we are doing that something good happens. that is a lame thought. knowing what we are doing is something i only want when i am 1 hour away from death. maybe even one minute away. with the thought that i know what i am doing i will have no reason to reach for more no reason to keep going no reason to want more. and that is lame, if lame is something that is real.

the next thought i have been really thinking about on the late is the strange something that makes humans, us, think that others are somehow less complicated than we are, I are. I know im crazy and my mind goes places that it should not and maybe a place yours does not. but somehow through this i think that somehow i am going through more than you. and that is silly. you are just as complex and your mind is going places that i can not understand and places i can not comprehend. yet my brain tells me that i am the only one. that i went to places you have not, which is true, but just because i went somewhere you did not go, doesnt mean that you didnt go to a place i have no been. you might laugh but cry inside. you might cry. you might want to cry but cant. i cant know. and that is something that something inside of me tells me that you dont know. but if i take a step back i know that you must have been there. must have been places i have no been. so why is it that we think we are the only ones. we always place us in places that we have only been, thinking that we are the only ones. i know, and know maybe too well, that it is easy to make the world, me against the world. i just am at a stage in life where this is so strange. maybe going along with my last offering, i just dont understand why humans have a hard time understanding. its something that should be natural. yet it is something that is not natural, or at the least, in places it is something that seems unnatural. something we dont want to do. i want to do it. i just wish it was easier sometimes.

conflicts and forgiveness

i think we all run into a lot of conflicts as we walk and run. some conflicts are natural some are nice some are motivating some might make us break down some might make us throw things or tear apart things. some conflicts have no answer and are endless. some are easily solved through compromise and sacrifice. conflicts seem to make choices for me. 

sometimes i want something so very bad, but i can't have it. it can't be that way. and i know that i can't solve the conflict now. but that doesn't mean that i don't think time will mend it and a sort of pathway will slowly appear. in hopes that someday the conflict might dissipate. 

conflicts sometimes need forgiveness. while conflicts sometimes have no answers or seemingly so, forgiveness is easy. its a choice. i can forgive my sister for anything. but i don't know if i can forgive you for anything. but i can. 

forgivness can solve so many conflicts and its almost too easy. peace of mind can be obtained. it can even be given. 

just two words that seem to be swarming around in my pea brain for a while.

~ ~ ~

on another note. the coastal skies are too good. morning sun on morning water with morning skies. night time clouds and colors with night time water and an almost angry and hopeful tint. something about being on the water is different. and than there is the forest sky. middle of the forest with black clear skies and perfect stars. i always thought i wanted to be a city kid. i am thinking i am more of a country kid. maybe both at some point. i like morning drives. i like night time drives. i like the city sometimes. but i like being away from it too. i can feel myself pulling away from some of the things i wanted to be or thought i wanted to be or things someone told me i should be or something that some voice told me i should be. i am not sure if this transition is a better me or a fake me. i could have it all wrong. which is usually the case when it comes to directions. i am always lost. but i think i know where im going. which is the good part... right? 

october sky, the smell of october, and the taste of the fall rain

so it is october. its been a while... i havent written in this place in a while. i guess i tend to neglect the important parts of my live when im moving fast and running faster. the last little bit of time has been a journey. i feel different and my thoughts are starting to change. but somethings are always the same. they way that i brush my teeth has changed, due to this new electronic one. its amazing. i like it. funny how i never wanted to invest in one, and now im pretty sad that i waited so long.

i found out i really like to cook for people. its kinda funny how much happiness it brings to me. i am no master. and i dont really know much, but i do enjoy it a lot. although i pretty much have zero desire to ever work in a restaurant or own one. i just want to be a nice home cook. make nice meals for people i like. i like to have dinner parties. if you would like me to cook for you, ill make you something, just let me know.

i need to take a few steps back and get back to some basics. i can feel myself tying to run fast enough to fly and i can't fly too well so i want to ease off just a bit.

i started to play tennis a lot again and that is real real nice. im happy to be doing that. it clears my head and teaches me to be strong and amazing.

i am really not sure what is next what i should be thinking, what i want to be thinking. but i wanted to let some of the crazyness in my mind out. sometimes if i dont write for too long all the crazy just builds up and hides in my head. and that is when i know im in trouble. when it stops trying to get out. then i know. its starting to hide and i might not be able to find it again. and then i would really go crazy. and i dont really want to be crazy. i just want to be sometimes crazy. or a little bit crazy.

i really like long drives in the morning. sometimes it can get to be a lot. but i think i like a decent drive in the morning. when i work like 5-10 min from home, i just dont like the feeling. i need that morning drive and singing session to get me ready for the days work. tomorrow i get to drive to the cape. and although it might be a bit far, im looking forward to it. it's supposed to be nice, and fall is here, so im pretty excited to see all the nice cars on the road and colors of trees and follow the colors of the wind down to a place i have never been before.

i am starting to like fish more. pretty strange. but i guess its good. i just dont like the smell that much. fish is like a new adventure of cooking.

i wonder what truth looks like...