thankfulness

childhood memories, memories, and being a child. I was watching mad men and i am reminded of childhood through sally. I also recently asked my sister a question i had never thought of before, what her first memory of me was. i guess i should be happy with the response because it involves a large animal my favorite noun and my sister. it also awoken name calling that was good. we used to call each other different types of poop. but somehow whale poop was the best one. i felt sad that i never thought to ask her that before. it seems so important, and after learning what that first memory was, it is clear just how important it was. 

i usually dont watch tv. i really try to stay away from it. im like that stuck up kid that thinks tv is bad. i do watch a few things here and there, but i really try to stay away. recently i have been watching more tv than ever, not really sure why. well i think it is because i canceled cable and got a roku with hulu. its not good to have a whole season of shows in front of you. which got me thinking, i have this idea that tv is bad. it always sparks memories and ideas. and maybe it is trying to sell stuff. but i like to buy stuff. i mean reading is great. and it doesnt come with guilt. and it is cool and i can be stuck up saying i read stuff. but is tv really bad? i mean no one can make me think its good. i will continue and probably forever think tv is bad. i will still have one, and i will still watch some. but that i will still think it stinks. i just want to get away from the system. but instead i have placed myself in this place where i an in the system of trying to not be in the system. i guess that is me though.

the person i love sent me a gift. inside were lots of things, notes, candy, vitamins, pens, and notebooks. Today i realized this is the best gift to receive in my place right now. I started a new diary. its more of a me and my day diary. i like to write here because i can look back on it and i like that idea that others can read it and that it will be safe forever. i hate the idea that so many great things were written in my notebooks from school, random notebooks in bags that i carried along my adventures, and i hate that they are there and i wont ever seen them again. i like the idea of writing things to be stored in pages that wont be read again. or probably not read again. although i have tons of notebooks with all kinds of trash written inside in boxes in at my parents house. no one should read that though. they might find out how smart i am. anyways, i started a daily note thing to myself for myself. to track my daily life and what i did that is important. i want it to be for me and only me. which is strange because im not usually like that. i dont like to make things for myself. i like to show off. but i feel like i need that right now. like i need the dinner time "what did you do today" but now it will be the night time "are you proud of your day today"

respectable people amaze me. when i meet someone that i respect its amazing. i feel like it is the reason we live. to find those treasures. and its almost like that is all i ever want. i want to be that person for some other person someday. i want someone to meet me and to feel like they learned something about truth just by a small short encounter. if we spend enough time with someone they will show of their good stuff. but we are all good at something, we are all living things. my real motivation is just to be a good. 

i feel myself wanting to like everything. i want to experience more. the things i thought i didnt like, i want to like. i want to acquire the enjoyment of all things. recently it has been things in the sea. i want to eat all the sea things. 

daily reminder to live

 Many times I go to sleep unhappy, bitter, worried, sick, happy, smiling, laughing, frowning, excited, ready. And so many times I wake up the same ways. But so many times when I am in one of those not so great moods I am reminded of goodness and reminded to be good and to feel good.

This morning it was a truck delivering the morning supply of Thomas Muffins, a food item a friend eats religiously.  Followed by the stretching and morning work out of a grandmother who I saw the previous morning.

It was a view of a familiar item that reminded me of a person who could use a few thoughts. It was the comfort in the familiar grandmother starting her morning the same way she did the day before.

I cant explain why, but without fail I will become more happy anytime I see the same person I saw the previous morning doing the same thing as the previous morning.  The joys of familiarity. The simple symbols my path as I navigate through the roads and streets that I will endlessly get lost in.

Good morning today for today is a nice day to explore.

More intensely.

another adventure

And another adventures closes...

back from a journey to a place that feels like home although is so foreign. friends that i used to see daily for years only to be separated for years and than being reunited again in a land that was once home. great journeys great adventures and great niceness.

its strange how great friends dont change and do change. we all feel the bond that has always been there and that is great. we all feel like we dont change. but we all do change. and we all change together. its strange how that works. we are changing but it is easy to say we are not because we are friends and we understand how we change and the changes that take place. we change together freely and happily. its really not something that can be explained but it is something that is true.

11 nights and 12 days in the place i was born. 1 day on the west coast. sights and sounds from around. changing ambiance. traveling around and feeling. feeling the differences. knowing the differences. seeing some too. and the smells of different lands. i am excited to live longer. to live deeper. to adventure further. it is strange how right now i am as anxious as ever to continue this adventure and fly higher swim deeper and adventure more intensely.

i told a friend the other day that life is long. he said that is strange, people only tell me life is short. it took me back. he was right people often say life is short. but why? yes i will live today and enjoy today because today is the greatest day i've ever known. but life is long and what is ahead is great and we best be ready to take it on. new adventures are coming.

my mind is scattered always but some things are starting to look clearer. clarity is always nice. but so are scattered thoughts and ideas.

on this walk, for me, the most important thing is to always be searching. and the only thing i can say that i am searching for is truth and honesty. i can not tell u what those things are, but i can tell you how they feel. i will endlessly search for signs of these two things. and these two things drive me to always continue on and to hope that in this long life i can find a lot of realness. lets find it all. lets adventure deeply. lets run sometimes. lets explore endlessly. because the best part of this walk, is that this walk does not end. things that dont end are endless. and endless things dont use time, dont need time. and timeless things are raw. and raw is real. and real can not be seen, felt, smelled, tasted, or heard; because its real.

first time in a long time...

I normally write when i need to. my brain tells my fingers to type. or my brain tells my hand to make illegible strokes on paper. which are at some later time deciphered and transposed into this place. i decided to make this place along with my earlier word documents and other blogs, liverjournals, and xangas, the place that i want my future unborn son and daughter to learn about me when i was less or more confused by life. I want to remind them that i was confused always too. sometimes i have thought that it would be good to allow them access to my entries as they reach the same date in their lives. for example my first day of university. i want them to read that entry on their first day. i want them to know what i felt like on my 18th birthday  on their 18th birthday. I think this is the greatest gift i can ever give to my future unborn mes.

the real pure uncut honest feelings that were really felt by me made for them. a connection and expression that i can only give them in this way. the only way i know how. the way i want to show them.

somehow my thoughts are longer, they are thinking further. i am not sure if that is because i just went on my first bachelors party trip for one of my closest ants, or because i have started to write two very very important speeches for two people that i will soon witness make the vow to enter the next stage, or a different stage, in the walk through life. As my conversations with close companions mature and continue  I find myself thinking further. I also have come to realize how important certain relationships are, and also how insignificant some are.

A person who I admire deeply once told me, "young boy, someday you will understand that you cannot be friends with everyone, and that you shouldnt want to be. you should chose those who you want to be friends with and not waste your time with some people who aren't worth it." minis the young boy. i added that.

I disagreed, and I explained I would never be that. that i didnt want to be that. and somehow, although not surprisingly seems how she is pretty wise, i feel myself starting to gravitate to this idea. although i still don't want to believe it. and i dont. fully. i feel myself getting closer to that point. i feel myself teetering on the edge.

teetering on the edge. those are the best times in life. the times that mater the most. weather its that moment of do i want to cut my nails today or tomorrow. do i want a grapefruit or a kiwi. do i want to go to another country or do i want to stay here. do i want to go to the other side of the country or not. do i want to go on that trip or not. do i want to make that choice or not. these are the pivotal points in life. a first is coming. i introduced two mutual friends some years ago. they are getting married. and i have realized that the choice they made to play with me on that night changed their paths forever. they could have been teetering too, do i go to that place on this day or do i go to this place. it is sometimes choices. it is sometimes teetering. it is sometimes both. and both of these things mater. and are great. and lead me to ramble for years. and it is for this that i will still be doing this tomorrow.

"i once saw a very happy firefighter." i read that today.

Hiatus

Sometimes its the small hiatus that makes the big difference. It's a business trip at cape cod, spending the last day driving around and exploring those pieces of pure niceness. somehow looking at the sun collapse onto an unfamiliar body of water is nice and different. refreshing and revitalizing.

this weeks theme has been refreshing. a new place with some nice exploration. i have confirmed that beaches in the winter are number one. summer beaches are lame, seven thousand people on this beach would have been beyond bad. as i drove up to other beaches, flying by the thousand parking spots, to be the only kid watching the sun fall over the water, i could only imagine how horrible that sight would be if i had to share it with some other humans, or seven thousand beings. i want it alone. i want to be alone at that moment watching the scene alone by myself reflecting and being happy that i can share that moment with my self. winter is just so much better. all the crowds are at home watching the sun set on tv. or maybe they are at the gym or in some tropical horridplace along with the seven thousand that will be where i am on this glorious winter day.

strangely enough, only the cool kids showed up to the beach to watch the sun set on a winter day after a storm. those cool kids would be grandparents. pretty cool that at least those types still love the winter and hate people. i like grandparents.

it was a week where things just lined up. snow followed by a super storm to crash the cape. than the last day it all cleared for a glorious day of exploration and trek back home. a voice that was lost from singing too much on the long drive home. a nice feeling of feeling at home in my new home. connecting with people i care about and hearing good news. watching as people i care about and have spent certain time periods with, and seeing them follow their dreams and cross those big crosswalks. it warms me and i cant help but smile.

conversations

as i watched a teammate close out the last set of his match, i heard a peculiar question posed by one 11ish year old boy.

"Dad, are there more bugs in the world or people?"

dusty time

walking through memories hidden deep inside the many years of travels and adventures, there lie a fair amount of rooms, locations, attics, benches, windows, and tables where dust is collecting. these places wait patiently to be discovered again. they have a thin layer of snow and coldness to preserve them and suspend them in time and space. moments in time that wont go away; that cannot go away. some of them i have tried to erase, others i have tried to hide. some have threads of sun and brightness, others smell of rain and October. all the doors are unlocked. and as my next walk starts and as i continue to travel deeper into time, i still can come back to these places. i will open the door, remove the layers of dust, ice, snow, and rain. i will look out the windows. i will sit on the benches. lay in the rooms. rock in the rocking chairs in the attics. dine at the tables. and than i will close the door behind me, knowing ill be back again someday.

im not a fan of time; or at least age, calendar days, and weeks. i am a fan of the past, future, and now. the last year, or 52 weeks a lot of past has happened. and i think these things will have a lot of meaning for the future. and now i sometimes know its now because of those pasts. i guess all i want to tell myself on this morning of newness in some kind of fashion that i am not a fan of is that its new and its now and there will be more tomorrows and yesterdays and i like that i also like the places that i will constantly re discover weather those places haunt my mind endlessly or brighten my spirits they are my places; my rooms, my locations, my attics, my benches, my windows, and my tables.