october sky, the smell of october, and the taste of the fall rain

so it is october. its been a while... i havent written in this place in a while. i guess i tend to neglect the important parts of my live when im moving fast and running faster. the last little bit of time has been a journey. i feel different and my thoughts are starting to change. but somethings are always the same. they way that i brush my teeth has changed, due to this new electronic one. its amazing. i like it. funny how i never wanted to invest in one, and now im pretty sad that i waited so long.

i found out i really like to cook for people. its kinda funny how much happiness it brings to me. i am no master. and i dont really know much, but i do enjoy it a lot. although i pretty much have zero desire to ever work in a restaurant or own one. i just want to be a nice home cook. make nice meals for people i like. i like to have dinner parties. if you would like me to cook for you, ill make you something, just let me know.

i need to take a few steps back and get back to some basics. i can feel myself tying to run fast enough to fly and i can't fly too well so i want to ease off just a bit.

i started to play tennis a lot again and that is real real nice. im happy to be doing that. it clears my head and teaches me to be strong and amazing.

i am really not sure what is next what i should be thinking, what i want to be thinking. but i wanted to let some of the crazyness in my mind out. sometimes if i dont write for too long all the crazy just builds up and hides in my head. and that is when i know im in trouble. when it stops trying to get out. then i know. its starting to hide and i might not be able to find it again. and then i would really go crazy. and i dont really want to be crazy. i just want to be sometimes crazy. or a little bit crazy.

i really like long drives in the morning. sometimes it can get to be a lot. but i think i like a decent drive in the morning. when i work like 5-10 min from home, i just dont like the feeling. i need that morning drive and singing session to get me ready for the days work. tomorrow i get to drive to the cape. and although it might be a bit far, im looking forward to it. it's supposed to be nice, and fall is here, so im pretty excited to see all the nice cars on the road and colors of trees and follow the colors of the wind down to a place i have never been before.

i am starting to like fish more. pretty strange. but i guess its good. i just dont like the smell that much. fish is like a new adventure of cooking.

i wonder what truth looks like...

fresh feeling

I am not sure what I am doing or what i will be doing but things are starting to change. i am starting a new journey in a new land and getting some of my home back. i will be moving into a place that i can start to call home. i have a nice bubble to drive around in again. i miss driving and i love driving. although i am only good at getting lost, i am lucky enough to rely on special devices to help me get to those hard to find locations where i need to perform work and make money to pay for my personal bubble and home.

the special experiment that lasted 2 years has come to an end. a time capsule project. a cool person i met 2 years ago and I wrote a letter to each other after 2 encounters about whatever it was that was on our minds and relating to each other and our perception of the other. untouched it sat for 2 years deep in the proverbial ground under trees and waterfalls; gmail. at least it starts with a g. its pretty funny to read what i wrote. i was so much more arrogant back then. if you can imagine that. i mean sometimes i wonder how i have more then 1 friend with that amount of arrogance i have. i am not sure i would be my friend. anyways it was a great project, and i would recommend it if you ever meet a cool person.

nausea is such a crazy feeling. its so crazy. crazy is good right? good is not bad right? i am good at telling myself what is good yeahhhh?

good night friends.

memories of emotions

Who are you influenced by?

Everybody.

Artists of course, and if you want names, I would say Rockwell, Wyeth, Remington, Renoir, Rembrandt, Tadahiro Ueusugi, Kiraz, just to name a few, but I'm mostly influenced by everyday events. By the people that are around me, such as my wife and my daughter, my friends and coworkers, the barista at the coffee shop, and the cashier at the grocery store.

What is your inspiration?

In everyday life. In my daughter, my wife, my friends, my work. Sometimes I’ll be biking down the street and see something that I like and it will wind up in the next sketch. Sometimes it’s being at the supermarket or giving a bath to my daughter and she looks at me and smiles. It lasts for a second, but the memory of it stays with me for a long time. These are the things that interest me the most.

i have this obsession with interviews. I read them over and over again. i watch them over and over again. all my favorite people. from the people who play tennis well, to the art that i enjoy, to the writers that keep me living, to the academics who have the best minds, to the musicians who help me sing well and dance better. interviews are so interesting. i have always liked to write, i am not good enough nor do i try hard enough to have dreams of writing a book or anything like that. but something i have always kind of wanted to do is write an autobiography. not to sell, because i hope no one would want to buy it. but just something that my kids could read, or maybe close friends. i think people have such different and interesting perspectives on what goes on around them. 

the above comes from interviews of a guy that i have recently really enjoyed. his art is very emotional and story telling and i like that. i really liked his work and couldn't really figure out what it was that drew me to liking it so much. but when i started to read his interviews and what not, i think i figured it out. he seems to be really taken back by random people in our daily lives, people that we might only encounter once, but that leave some kind of lasting memory or emotion. simple stuff like a smile or laugh. its strange the memories that imprint themselves on our minds. real things of value. value is nice.  

shifting

the seasons seem to be changing again. the humidity is coming out the heat is going to come along soon as well. it reminds me of other times. no mater how much i hate the heat and  humidity, it reminds me of some good times. and i think i can learn to like it. maybe. i used to hate warm rain too, but now i like it. not as much as cold rain, but warm rain is completely different and nice too.

normally i make those big shifts in the winter. i have always made the largest biggest and scariest choices in the winter. but i think this year its going to be the summer. i can feel a real shift coming along and for once it might be in the warm times. it might be a little scary though, i mean i hate the heat and i want to make a big time choices in the times i love deeply and endlessly. seems dumb. but dumb things are always good things. without being a little dumb, i would be pretty boring. maybe i am already boring, but i might be more boring. who knows maybe i will start to enjoy heat and sweating. i guess i do like sweating, just not when im not supposed to be sweating. if we are ever not supposed or supposed to be doing anything. i dont think i am very certain about what we are supposed to or supposed to not be doing. and if it is really that important. sometimes its strange that i have these feelings of what i am supposed to be doing. someday i hope to do the things that i want to do. not sure what those things are yet, but it might involve sweating a lot. and maybe not. i kinda like it when sweat stings my eye balls. i also like when sweat dries with salt everywhere. it reminds me of the great salt lake where salt is dried everywhere. i like when water dries and leaves marks of something. not sure why but its kinda nice. although im sure that that is also supposed to be gross. im just trying to transition into what i want to be and transition away from what im supposed to be.

who do you enjoy talking to?

for me... i think i do the best talking with myself. i am too stubborn to listen to others advice. so i enjoy listening to myself, because if i follow my own advice i can still be stubborn. its like i didnt lose.

its kinda funny, because i enjoy listing to others. and a few people enjoy talking to me. i think some people find it easy to tel me things? maybe not... but there are a few kids who like talking to me. i like trying to listen and doing my best doing that. i kinda realize that i have a hard time telling others things. kinda strange. some things are so easy to share, while other things are so hard. i guess it should be like that for everyone.

i guess what i am trying to say is that i will always be a child who is nervous and fit for fear

sometimes i wonder about fear. some people say that fear is failure. some people say fear motivates them. some people say fear is only for children. RZA says in his book tao of the wu that enlightened men do not fear. i guess i dont want to be enlightened. i think fear can be silly at times. but i cant deny the power of fear. depending on where you stand, fear can be perceived differently. my biggest fear as a child were silly things. like a man entering from my window and taking me away. i would think happy thoughts to fight off the bad ones. i also had a stage where i feared that we were like ants to something else. the way that i could play with ants, i thought maybe someone else could play with me. that was scary. i remember one of my childhood friends was most scared of an armageddon like event.

today i think i am most scared of being content. i dont want to reach the end of the tunnel. its all in the chase. i dont want to feel comfortable. i want to always feel like im falling like i need to grab something like i need to reach higher like i need to run faster like i need to yell louder like i need more. i dont want to sit still for too long. i dont want it to always be noisy. i want silence. but i want confusion. i want new experiences. i want to constantly change.

i guess what i am trying to say is that i will always be a child who is nervous and fit for fear.

a short story about dreams and fun

there was once a girl named cloud. she seemed to understand how everything worked. she seemed to understand what the past was supposed to mean and what today meant and what tomorrow was going to mean. she liked enjoying nice things and simple things. she could laugh nicely and softly. she could also cry softly and quietly. she wrote beautifully. she had an eye for the world and she loved. she understood that her heart could never be full, so she lived to always fill it with more. she was not sure what she ultimately wanted to accomplish, but she was always running or walking or walking quickly through the journey. always slowing or stopping to find the importance.she found laughter in the strangest places, she found beauty in hidden lands, she found tears in all that mattered. she understood everything and nothing. she was spontaneous. she painted thoughts. she liked rocks.